


How to Fall in Seven Days

by captainryuugazaki



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Male Character, Blood, Broken Families, Cats, Christianity, Depression, Drinking, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Male Character, HIV/AIDS, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Mild Kink, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Violence, OCD, Original Character Death(s), Panic Attacks, Religion, Religious Content, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Same-Sex Marriage, Sexual Content, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Smoking, Stray Cat, Unrequited Love, Violence, Widowed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-06-05 07:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 79,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6694222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainryuugazaki/pseuds/captainryuugazaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Momo is loud, bold and brash, with a job he loves and a daughter from a broken relationship whom he adores. Aichirou is quiet, sad and delicate after his late husbands death, with a passion for photography and a love for all things cats. How will these two personalities find the home of a lost kitten together, and how does this cause them to fall in love? An innocent tale of two broken people finding new friendships and new love. </p><p>Tags to be updated!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - Is this yours?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nagisa_Hawkzuki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nagisa_Hawkzuki/gifts).



> Hey! so this was originally a writing exercise set to me by my friend @nagisa_hawkzuki (whom I've gifted this to) and I decided to make it into a full fic.   
> This tale will be seven chapters long (hence the title), so it won't be a long fic.   
> I hope you enjoy this tale!   
> Happy reading! xo

**Monday.**

This was the _third_ time it had happened. Dirty paw prints. Missing food that he had left out for that night. Clumps of cat fur on the windowsill. Momo came home from work everyday to find at least two or three cats sat in his front yard. Watching him. Judging him. He often left them alone, unless they were desecrating his favourite roses with shit or leaving half eaten mice on his doorstep, only then would he chase them off. He had his own dogs, one border collie named Toffee and one Jack Russell named Sundae, completely different dogs but they got on well with each other and with, apparently, next doors cats. They often played with them upon seeing them, and Momo often had to keep the cats from coming into his house, following his overly friendly pups indoors. 

On that particular day, he was extremely tired - he picked up his daughter, the happiest girl in the world, who was so full of energy for such a small child of six-years-old after ballet and took her out to eat. She bounced up and down on the leather seats in the booth, bright red hair bouncing with her, chatting to her father non-stop about school and ballet and what her friends said and her mom when Momo asked, golden eyes bright with excitement. She loved her dad so much, but it wore him out how much she did. She was so full of love it was bursting at the seams, her heart glowing with it whenever she saw him, smile big and gappy, rosy cheeks dimpled to perfection. He wondered how Gou did it. Everyday, with this small girl who was so full of love and wonder and happiness and excitement about the world. How she wasn't worn out. How she bought her up by herself. Not counting school holidays and every other weekend...

Again, sidetracked. The cats. 

Momo must have left his window open ajar or something, because when he finally got inside his home, ready to take a bath and get straight into bed, a tiny cat, no more than a kitten, who was very soft and jet black, was sat quivering in his kitchen sink, of all places. Momo scanned the place for paws or fur or shit, but there was nothing. He dropped his bags on the kitchen table and slowly approached the baby in his sink. 

"Hey," he said, as gently as he could, which was not his forte - he was loud, bold and brash. That's probably where his daughter got it. "Come here, little kitty."

The small baby was so petrified it could only let out a small mew and continue to quiver as Momo got closer. He wrapped his hands around his body and lifted him off his tiny paws, holding him close. "There! I hope my dogs didn't scare you!"

The baby wasn't much for conversation. Just quivered in his arms.  Momo knew exactly where the poor thing had come from. He found an old towel and a box for the tiny kitten, plopping it inside with a small, soft toy and a blanket wrapped around his back. Sighing deeply, he left his house and knocked next doors door.

A shortish, slender man with pale skin and silver hair answered the door, smiling straight at him. "Hello! Momo, right?" he asked, voice soft, pushing his owl glasses over his face.

Momo nodded, tapping the box. "Guess what's in here?" he grinned, and his neighbour titled his head. "What?"

Momo lifted the lid to reveal the tiny kitten, was shaking even more in the cold. His neighbour cooed at the sight, lifting him into his warm chest and kissing his head. "Who's this, then?" he breathed, and Momo didn't know whether he was talking to him or the cat, nose nuzzled into his fur.

"Well... I thought he was yours." he said with the sort of smile you only give strangers and acquaintances. "He... Isn't?"

He held the kitten in his hands, one underneath his bottom, the other on his back, looking right at him. "No! I would remember him otherwise. He's gorgeous." he looked back at Momo, who was looking very concerned. "Why? What's wrong?"

Momo shook his head. "I don't... I found him in the kitchen sink. My kitchen window was ajar. He must have climbed in... Cos, Jenny next to me has budgies, and I don't think he would have crossed the road. And he's too little to have gone so far as two houses away. So, I thought..."

Shaking his head solemnly, he set the kitten back in the box. "He's not mine. Sorry." he leant against his door frame. "Maybe you could stick up posters. And if no one comes for him in a week... Take him to a shelter! Don't worry, he'll go fast, he's a baby." 

Momo stared into the box, the kitten kneading the blanket with his tiny paws and purring lightly. He was still shaking. He sighed. "I can't take care of him, my dogs'll have him for breakfast." he said quietly, leaning the box on his hip and stroking his soft back gently. 

"Oh, of course..." His neighbour furrowed his brow. "Leave him with me."

Momo raised his head, smiling at him. "You sure?" he bit down on his lip. "Would I be able to check on him? If that's okay?"

His neighbour gave him the most radiant smile he'd ever received, so warm and welcoming, finding himself getting drawn in by his lovely blue eyes and glowing skin, blinking at him in a trance. "Of course it is."

Momo was shocked to hear him speak, breaking the spell. "Oh... Yeah! OK! Good! Um... Here..." he handed him the box. "You can keep his blanket, he seems to like it."

They stood there in a short, awkward silence - before his neighbour smiled in that special way again. "You want to come in?" 

Momo would have loved to come in. To sit at his table and drink tea and talk about his many cats, and why he had so many cats, and why he lived alone in a two bedroomed house, and why he'd never seen him outside really ever and why he had two cars outside, but one he never used... "Sorry, I can't." Momo said with a smile. "I promised my daughter I would call her. And I have to take my dogs out. Thank you for taking him, though."

Another wonderful grin. "Don't mention it." as Momo turned away, he called out. "Aichirou, by the way!"

Momo turned at the gate, blinking at him. "What?"

"My name. Aichirou." he fiddled with the handle on his door, shrugging a little. “Ai for short.”

Momo nodded, raising his hand to wave. Aichirou, or Ai, wiggled his fingers back and disappeared indoors with the box containing the mysterious cat. Momo left with an odd feeling that this week was going to be a bit of a weird one.


	2. Tuesday - Sticky Marmalade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It's underneath Marmalade.” Ai announced, and Momo found himself laughing.  
> “Marmalade?”  
> Ai picked up the fat, old, ginger cat off of the bookshelf, holding her to his chest. “Marmalade!” he kissed behind her ear, and she began to purr loudly, closing her eyes in content. “My pretty old kitty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly this was p hard for me to write as I have family members with OCD and depression (including myself) so its a sensitive subject, I hope i don't come across as stereotype-ish bc this is what I know or have known.  
> Anyway, i hope u enjoy!  
> Happy reading xo

**Tuesday.**

Work was hard. As a personal trainer/sports coach, you would think his job would have some kind of lease. It didn't. He worked at gyms, worked at middle aged women's homes, worked at swimming pools - then he had to travel to many different schools in his area to teach at after-school clubs. This wasn't hard when he would be teaching five-year-old kids soccer, to be honest, but sometimes he wished he had the weekends to himself. Today, however, he was exhausted. After doing aerobics with two older women who often sat with him afterwards and fed him cake, he zoomed off to do a spinning class for school kids, then taught a football lesson at the same school. He was home by two, which was when he received a call off of Gou when he was about to take his dogs out.

  
"Maddie's sick." she sighed down the line - an impatient one. "I can't leave work. Can you pick her up?"

  
Momo obliged, sticking his dogs in the back of the car and driving to his daughters school. It was small and clean and had chickens in the courtyard where their reception was sat opposite. He watched one very auburn chicken settle down to roost on a bail of hay as he waited for Maddie. This made him smile for some reason. Then he thought about getting his own chickens. Then he remembered that Ai's cats would eat them. Probably.

  
Thinking about Ai made him smile, warmth filling his chest as his soft face beaming and clear blue eyes glittering played havoc in his mind. That's all he could see - until his daughter with her bright, thick hair in bunches, green uniform dress rumpled and a snotty nose wound her arms around his leg and begged him to take her home. She was full of mucus and her cough made her sound like a barking dog in the back of his car, and began complaining that her mother made her go to school even though she was sick.

  
“Didn't you tell her?” he asked, passing her yet another tissue through the gap between the front seats.

  
She nodded, hair bouncing, wiping her running nose on the tissue. “Mommy said I had to go cos I would miss reading time and I'm not very good at reading.” she sounded very sorry for herself, all bunged up and sleepy. “I fell asleep instead of having play time. Then the nurse called Mommy, then Mommy called you.”

  
Momo pulled his lips into a straight line, brow furrowed. “She should have called me this morning if you were sick.” he sighed, watching her in the rear view mirror. “Sorry about that, Maddie, you could have had the day with me.”

  
She sniffed, hard. “It's OK, daddy, it's not your fault.” she sighed deeply. “Can we watch a film after dinner? I want to nap first.”

  
Momo smiled gently. “Sure. What do you want to watch?”

  
But she had already fallen asleep.

  
As soon as they got home, he carried her to her own bed and tucked her in. She sniffed and snuffled but nothing could be done about her poor nose.  
He settled down in the lounge and flicked on the TV, surfing the channels – it was only when he had settled on a programme when he realised.

  
Toffee and Sundae were still in the car.

  
He ran back out in his slippers, going to his dogs rescue, who were still panting happily and their tails wagged furiously when Momo reappeared. Just as he was letting them out, he heard a door open over the waist-level fence, and his gorgeous neighbour stepped out, wearing a large blue sweater covered in cat hairs and black jeans, also covered in cat hairs.

  
Followed by, of course, about ten cats.

  
Momo raised his head, snatching a look at the short, now suddenly attractive man he was next door to. He had a mug of something hot in one hand, book in the other, bright eyes behind his lenses scanning the pages, lifting the pastel coloured mug once in a while to take a sip. This made him smile. He was too nervous to call out to him though, and he was hoping for a quick escape, but--

  
"Momo! Hey!" he called over, smiling over at him. "You OK?"

  
Momo flashed a winning grin at him. "I am. Are you?" he pulled both dogs out of his car, one under each arm. "Left them in here by accident."

  
Ai laughed. "I know. I saw you roll up with your little girl. She looked really poorly." he said, concern in his voice.

  
Momo, knowing and ignoring the fact that he dodged his question, answered honestly. "She's sick. I think it's the flu. My..." he paused, trying to think of the right thing to say to describe his relationship with Gou. Friends with benefits was not one of them. "Ex. My ex is picking her up later." 

  
Ai nodded, smiling - that damn smile again - and was about to say something else when Sundae wiggled out of his arms, followed by Toffee, and they galloped straight into the road, barking like mad.

  
Momo sighed.

  
Of course they did.

  
He broke out into a run, trying to catch them as they chased birds and yapped at cars. When he thought he had one, the other escaped him, and the one he almost had a hold of ran after them. 

  
"Here, here, pups!" 

  
Momo, as well as his animals, turned their heads, ears pricked up at the sharp whistle. Ai was standing with a bag of... Cat treats? He shook it, the rustling sound of assorted cat biscuits and filled nuggets that tasted of artificial fish must have sounded like the calls of God, as they bounded towards him in no time at all and were soon sniffing about his legs.

Momo grabbed them both by the collar, crouching down and clipping on their leads, as Ai stood smiling, again, looking like the sunshine itself, his cat food bag close to his chest. "There. I knew they'd come running."

  
Momo sighed deeply, pulling Sundae back as he tried to get into Ai's house. "Thank you, Ai. They're usually better than this."

Ai crouched down and rubbed a now calm Toffee on the head. "Don't mention it. You're good boys, aren't you?" he beamed, and Momo couldn't help but stop breathing for a moment or two and take in his radiance. 

  
He thought he could never feel anything but lust for anyone before. Apparently this was becoming untrue.

  
Ai stood tall again. "Jet's doing good, by the way!"

  
Momo had a brief panic moment - who? What? Why? How? Where? - then he realised who he was talking about.

  
"You called him Jet?" he smiled, rather amused at this.

  
"I decided it was for the best to give baby a name. Just temporary. Unless you want to change it? He is... Ours, for now, I suppose." Ai said gently, almost awkwardly, watching him with those wonderful eyes of his that reminded him of clear skies and sunny days. 

  
Momo grinned cockily, and he swore he saw Ai take a double take - or he just imagined it. "Jet's good. Maybe we could put out some flyers... Tomorrow? Unless you want my daughter to come along." 

  
Ai blinked, once, twice - before smiling in that special way and nodding his head. "If she isn't too sick. It could be fun."

  
They decided to meet at four. Momo thought he could kill two birds with one stone and walk the dogs, too. Maddison woke up with a giant sneeze, but she looked way better after a nap. Her cheeks were a bit flushed and she was still full of snot, but she was bouncing up and down in her bed when Momo told her about the baby kitten he'd found yesterday, her golden eyes wide in excitement, long lashes framing them beautifully.

  
"I want to see! I want to see!" she clamoured, clapping her hands in sheer delight. "Is he very very small?"

  
Momo nodded, coaxing her out of bed and shoving her shoes back on over her little socked feet. "Yes, so if you see him you have to be very gentle. He's shy." he grinned at her. "Unlike you or me."

  
Maddie giggled in dizzying excitement. "Can I see now!? Can I!?" 

  
Momo looked at his watch. It was close to four, so he nodded. "Sure. Let's strap up Sundae and Toffee first." 

  
Momo held both dogs and Maddie's hand as they walked down the path from Momo's house - but Ai was already outside, stapling a poster to a lamppost right outside his home. Maddie ran ahead, standing on her tip toes and craning her neck, trying to see what the kitten looked like. She couldn't, so in her frustration she jumped up and down, trying to read it. Ai smiled kindly at her. 

  
"What's your name, sweetie?" he asked her, crouching to her height.

  
“My name's Maddie.” she mumbled bashfully, fiddling with the skirt of her dress. "Are you looking after my Daddy's cat?" she whispered, unable to look at him.

  
Ai's smile widened – he couldn't help it, she was adorable. "He's lost his owner! He's no ones at the moment." he handed her a few flyers. "Would you like to help us find his family?"

  
Maddie looked down at the picture, eyes immediately sparkling. "He's so tiny! Oh! Can I see him! Can I!" she begged, a grin plastered on her face, one that looked exactly like her father's. Cheeky, winning, dazzling. 

  
Gorgeous.

  
"Of course." Ai promised, knocking off the last thought. "Where's your daddy, then?"

  
As if by magic, Momo appeared with two dogs on tow, one trotting alongside him happily, the other pulling him forwards excitedly. Ai stood straight again, watching him as he locked his garden gate, trying to juggle two dogs, a bunch of keys, his phone, his wallet and a garden gate lock all at once, a small smile on his face. Maddie ran back to him, offering him some help. He handed her the calmer of the dogs, the little Jack Russell named Sundae, who sat beside his daughter and waited patiently. 

  
Ai had watched Momo live his life through his lounge curtains ever since he'd moved in. He knew it was dreadfully nosey of him, but he couldn't help it. As soon as he moved in, his loud voice was all he could hear for at least two weeks straight. It was so full of joy and laughter and promises of better days. He was so young and hopeful. Even though he had a daughter, he still seemed to be loud and arrogant whenever he could. 

  
His own four walls were so bleak. Full of sadness and heartbreak. The house next door had been empty for quite a while, and Ai had never felt so alone. But as soon as Momo arrived, the lonely house had been full of happy noises through the plaster thin walls – loud music, his dogs barking, his daughter's laughter, his friends voices. He'd been watching him through his tiny window, living his loud, unapologetic life with him. Whenever he thought he looked a little sad, he wanted to tell him to keep going. Don't give up. You're so young, so energetic, so free. A day later he would be back to his old self.   
He knew all about his daughter, his 'ex', his brother, his little mom and massive dad. His friends. His dogs. His hatred for his many cats. How his beaten up old car always broke down during winter, how he'd never bought a girl home since he'd moved in. The same girl, at least. 

  
He didn't seem like the type to fall in love.

  
Which was a shame. 

  
Because, everyday, he would get glimpses of his wild orange hair, or his glowing amber eyes or his winning grin through his tiny window into his neighbours life, and he couldn't help but fall in love a little more. He often debated whether he was falling in love with his life, or falling in love with him.

  
"All set?" Momo was suddenly in front of him, hair ruffled and cheeks flushed, ready and waiting.

  
Ai handed him some flyers. "Let's find Jet's mom or dad." he smiled shyly.

  
It took them an hour to post around their flyers, Maddison handing her dad or his friend spare ones if they ever ran out, and once they had finished, Momo got a call, once again, off Gou.

  
"How is she?"

  
"She's better," He smiled as she hung onto Ai's big sweater whilst he stapled the last flyer to a tree. "She's still sniffly, but she's running around with the dogs."

  
"Oh." Gou said gently, and there was a long, awkward pause at her end of the line as she listened in to the sounds in the background. "Who are you with?"

  
Momo couldn't help but smile. She's had another man in her life since Maddie was two, and he's been left in the dust by so many people he couldn't even count, all because he had a daughter. 

  
She sounded a little jealous.

  
Maybe.

  
"Oh," Momo began vaguely, watching Ai from behind. It was as gorgeous as his front. "Just... Just a friend."

  
Gou hummed. "Just a friend, huh?" she giggled. "Sounds like it."

  
Momo grinned. "Hey, he is, all right? I found a kitten and he's taking care of it. We're trying to find his owner. We're neighbours." 

  
"Oh! My brothers friends with him! You never told me!" she began, voice accusing. "Ai, right?"

  
Momo swallowed. 

  
Her brother. 

  
He's scary.

  
Really fucking scary.

  
When Gou first found out she was pregnant, she'd only just started college. She was almost nineteen.

  
Momo was in senior year. He was seventeen.

  
Technically, Gou was in fault. He was young and impressionable, according to the law. 

  
Technically, it was rape, and it was her fault.

  
But, because he's a guy, he was held responsible. As always.

  
Her brother came to his home with his sister and almost beat him up. But Gou said it was fine. She didn't like college anyway. And she wanted the kid, because she didn't believe in abortion. Momo didn't say anything. He didn't think he had the right to.   
Rin kept a close eye on him throughout her pregnancy, even though they weren't together, nor were they planning to get together. They were just friends.   
Rin had always been the big elephant in the room for about six or seven years now. 

  
Always in the corner.

  
Always watching.

  
Maddie loved him, though.

  
He was a good guy. Soft, kind and sensitive. Always giving and always loving.

  
He just loathed Momo. 

  
And that, he'd always thought, was fair enough.

  
"Right." Momo muttered. "So... Friends..."

  
"Yeah! The best of friends! They've known each other since they were kids." he could feel her beam through the phone - but her voice softened a little. "It's a shame what's happened to his husband, though."

  
Momo froze. Husband? He was married? He bristled a little, his stomach turning. "Husband?" he mumbled, biting down on his lip. "I never see him."

  
Gou was quiet for a little bit. "No, Mo... He... He died. A few years ago. Before you moved in, I think." she said quietly, as if Ai was in the room with her. "It was horrible. His husband and Rin were best friends, and Ai just cut him and everyone else off since he died. He hasn't been right for over three years. He was the love of his life. Mo, please be careful."

  
Momo swallowed, palms beginning to sweat, body growing hot. He looked back at the man with the wonderful smile. He was smiling now, at Maddie, as she demonstrated to him her new little manoeuvres she learnt in ballet class, jumping over Sundae and doing a perfect pirouette in her little school dress and Mary Jane shoes. Ai clapped, beaming at her in a soft, charming way. 

  
"No..." Momo said softly, chewing the dry skin on his lip. "Don't worry. I will."

  
"Good." she sighed softly then. "Anyway, I'm just leaving work. I'll be there in... Fifteen? Twenty minutes? Half an hour at the latest, if the traffic's bad."

  
Momo smiled sadly. "Course. See you soon, doll."

  
"Bye-bye, hon!"

  
As promised, Maddie got to see the baby kitten. She was very careful with him, her small hands very, _very_ gentle against his tiny back, calming his shakes and shivers with her soft, slow strokes. 

  
Ai's home was identical to his in size - it just looked smaller with all the cats. It wasn't that he had that many - "About eight, but some come and go." - but they were all crowded in the lounge, in many beds and cat scratching posts and cat trees and things. It didn't even smell like cat - it smelt like pine and blossom, and his home was so neat and tidy he wondered if he had a cleaner. He wished his home was like this - his smelt like wet dog most of the time, and he never had time to clean to this extent. It was moderate. Though, as long as he and his daughter were comfortable, it didn't really matter what state it was in.

  
"It's really... Neat, in here." Momo managed, not wanting to sit on his pristine white sofa, just in case he marked it. 

  
Ai smiled a little too tightly, not the same smile he normally had, which bedazzled Momo into nothing. "I... I have a lot of time, on my hands." he nodded, and Momo noticed he was wringing his hands. "I-I work for myself, and it's... slow, at the moment..."

  
Momo stuck his hands in his pockets so he didn't start playing with them too, his whole body vibrating with nerves as Ai stood beside him in all his cute and warm glory. "What do you do?"

  
Ai motioned to the pictures he had collaged on his wall. "Photography." he said quietly, rubbing his arm. "I... I am a retired kindergarten teacher, actually."

  
Momo stepped over his daughter, who was sat in the middle of the floor with the cat in her lap, ignoring the awkward conversation her father was having with this man, and examined his photographs. "Retired?" he asked, smiling at the pictures of his many cats. "You could still do it. How old are you? You're in your late twenties, right?"

  
Ai swallowed, throat dry. "Twenty-five. I got... Leave. And... I never went back." he said quietly. He delved into his jean pockets quickly and squirted what looked like hand sanitizer into the palm of his hand, before rubbing vigorously, looking as if he were shaking.

  
Momo winced at this, wondering if he was making him nervous with all the questions.

  
Be careful. 

  
"These are amazing, though." he desperately tried to change the subject, taking in the images. "Do you sell them? Or..."

  
Ai perked up a little. "Well... I do photography for weddings. And modelling agencies. I did a Victoria's Secret shoot last month. Some of those girls were breath taking. Some were a bit too young... Some were way too thin. I did ask one girl if she was eating properly, and she said that she wasn't really allowed to eat that much, which broke my heart. She was only just eighteen, too. Tiny girl. Gorgeous eyes. Size two. Can you believe that?"

  
Momo sighed deeply. "I can." he looked down at his daughter, who was now lying back with the kitten on her chest, who was playing with a mouse toy she was dangling over his head. 

  
Ai was almost able to read his mind. "I hope it gets better soon. Maddie's a young girl. By the time she's a teenager being a healthy size will be considered fashionable." he smiled shyly, fiddling with his glasses. “She's a smart girl. She'll know what's right and what's wrong.”

  
Momo smiled weakly at him. "I hope so." he watched her giggle as the kitten leaped for the toy, little face as gorgeous as the first time he saw it when she was just a newborn. "My princess will be gorgeous no matter her size."

  
A cat mewed in response. Momo jerked around, startled. A white cat with a black nose and black fur on their legs that made them look like they were wearing stockings sat up in bed, yawning and shifting it's tail this way and that. 

  
"That's Princess." Ai giggled, rubbing his arm. "She's a bit snooty, though, so don't touch her. She'll scratch your eyes out."

  
Momo smiled fondly at the cat named Princess as she stretched herself out like the cartoons did - butt in the air, legs all the way out, tail twitching. He then looked back at the pictures, scanning them. "These are incredible, you know. You're very talented." he crouched down, taking in the beautiful nature shots of flowers and bees. “I love the colours. They're all pastel like. Suits you.”

  
Ai practically buzzed with pride, gripping his arm tight as he felt his heart swell. "Thank you." he whispered, pale cheeks going rosy. "My..." he stopped himself, biting his lip, hard.

  
Momo turned his head, raising his eyebrows. "Huh?"

  
Ai shook his head, smiling shyly. "Nothing." he looked to the floor. "Just... Thanks."

  
Momo shrugged. "No prob."

  
Soon after this comment, a horn went off outside. It was Gou.

  
"Mommy's here!" Maddie cried, sitting up quickly and setting the cat carefully back in his bed, patting his head gently. "Bye-bye, little baby. I'll see you before you go, I promise. Be good! Ai's very, very nice for keeping you." 

  
Momo held out his hand. "Come on, princess, moms waiting." he took her hand. “What do you say to Ai for letting you see the kitten?” 

  
Maddie grinned widely, again, just like her dad, which made his heart soar. “Thank you very much! Can I come back and see him again?” she said gently, blinking her pretty golden eyes at him.

  
Ai couldn't help but go into teacher mode, crouching to her height and smiling softly. “Of course you can! You are welcome round any time! If your mommy lets you.” he leant in closer and whispered into her ear. “Be very good for her and maybe she'll say yes.”

  
Maddie giggled. “I will!”

  
Ai held out his pinky finger. “Pinky promise?” he smiled.

  
She hooked her tiny finger around his. “Pinky promise!” she smiled, cheeks dimpling.

  
Ai kissed her forehead, which made her giggle, and stood to full height again, to see Momo's face full of what looked like adoration, or love. They caught each others eye, and they shared a private smile, eyes searching each others, reading every thought and every feeling in that moment – when Gou pressed down impatiently on the horn again, which broke them apart.

  
“Come on, then, Maddie, let's get you to your mommy.” Momo squeezed her hand.

  
Ai bit down on his lip as he watched him leave. "Uh..." he began, and Momo turned around, smiling at him. "Yeah?"

  
Ai swallowed, throat dry. "You can... Come back, if you want, when you've dropped Maddie off... I... Um... have more photos..." he didn't look at him. He looked at his hands instead, ringing them nervously.

  
Momo grinned widely. "I'd love to." he shrugged, and Ai found himself grinning back, eyes shining behind his lenses and cheeks going pink, which made Momo's heart leap in his chest.

  
Ai had dug out three or four portfolios by the time Momo had returned, stacked on the coffee table with a thin film of dust on each, which Ai brushed off with a clean dust cloth and quickly disposed of it, not wanting to soil himself with old dirt and sad memories.

  
"Whoa," Momo grinned, wiping one down himself, much to Ai's dismay, as he watched the dust land on his floor, thinking about how he would have to hoover that as soon as Momo left. He ran this thumb over the title 'College Portfolio'. "Impressive."

Ai couldn't help but pry a little bit, and the question had been on his mind since he'd met Maddie. "I know this is... maybe a bit personal, but... Maddie's mom..." he began, leaning forward in his seat. "She's... Gou Mastuoka, isn't she?"

  
Momo sucked air in through his teeth. "You caught me red handed." he grinned at him, raising his hands, as if guilty of something. "She told me you were friends with her brother."

  
Ai winced a little, so subtle Momo thought he'd imagined it. "Ah... Yeah... Not... Not really... Not anymore." he said softly, a sharp pain knotting in his chest.

  
Momo furrowed his brow. "Why not?" he asked, unaware of how insensitive he was being.

  
Ai winced again, as if he'd gone to slap him, shoulders squaring up a little, obviously uncomfortable with the question. "Well... I just... Stopped talking to him... We didn't fall out, or anything. He's a lovely guy. I just couldn't..." he stopped again, pressing a trembling hand against his mouth.

  
Tears began to well in his eyes.

  
Momo widened his own, going into panic mode. "Ai, shit, sorry, I didn't mean to--"

  
"Please, don't." Ai said quietly, closing his eyes as the tears dried. "Don't apologise. It's not your fault."

  
Momo stood feeling useless, watching him try to compose himself - and fail, almost breaking down again, tears beginning to fall behind his lenses as his heart visibly broke in front of him.

  
What did he do when Maddie was close to tears?

  
He tickled her.

  
Inappropriate. 

  
What did he do when his sister was crying?

  
He kissed her forehead and held her until she stopped.

  
Also pretty inappropriate.

  
What about with Gou?

  
He slowly sat down beside him, reaching out and taking his shaking hand in his. Ai dropped his head, moving his free hand over his eyes, feeling pathetic. Momo was used to Gou's head in his shoulder at this point, her tears wetting his shirt, but Ai was having none of it. He reached up and patted his arm.

  
What?

  
_What was that?_

  
Momo swallowed, voice hoarse. "Hey, look, there's no need to be so upset--"

  
"I... I know..." Ai breathed, letting his hand drop from his face, but he still wouldn't look at him. "He would probably still take me back."

  
Momo cocked his head. "Take you back?" he said softly.

  
"You know. As a friend." he smiled shakily, sniffing a little. "It's stupid why I cut him off."

  
Momo shook his head, remembering their hands were still entwined and squeezed it tight, but his were beginning to get a bit sweaty. "No... He would have understood."

  
Ai squeezed his hand back, grip surprisingly strong and safe, shocking him momentarily, his skin tingling. "I... I guess... You know, right?"

  
Momo genuinely had no clue. "Know what?"

  
Ai laughed nervously. "About my husband. Well... Late husband, now." he saddened as he said it, gripping onto Momo's hand hard. "It was all over so quickly. Newly wed, a year after college, a small ceremony. We went on our honeymoon. It was the last day. And... There was a horrible storm. He got caught in it... As quickly as I was a husband I was a widow. Just like that."

  
Momo watched him say these words, his sky blue eyes full of tears, soft voice full of desperation and sadness. It broke his heart. And because of this...

  
"All of my friends reminded me of him. I broke off with them. I loved him so much, I couldn't be reminded of him. It broke my heart. I know, it was stupid of me. They would have helped me. All of them." he wiped his eyes with his free hand as tears began to fall. 

  
Momo bit down on his lip. "How long..." he didn't want to finish the sentence. He didn't really know how to.

  
"Three years." he whispered, dropping his head once again and staring at their entwined hands. “Three years last month.”

  
Momo shook his head. "You haven't spoken to anyone for three years?" he breathed, completely dumbfounded.

  
How? How has he been so alone for so long? In this tiny house that held so many memories...

  
Momo felt like crying, too.

  
Ai just nodded. He sniffed. "That's why I have so many freaking cats." he mumbled, wiping his nose with a clean tissue from his jeans' pocket.

  
Despite the atmosphere and his new friends tears, Momo laughed. He laughed because he wanted to cry. He laughed because it was the only thing he knew what to do. And then Ai laughed with him. Although full of tears and shaken, he laughed. It was a soft, gentle sound, beautiful and full of a lost kind of joy. 

  
"Well, I'm here." Momo smiled, squeezing his hand once again. "If you want to talk."

  
Ai nodded, wiping his eyes. "Thank you." he whispered, voice sad.

  
"No prob." Momo shrugged - then looked back at the table. "Anyway... Your photos."

Ai blinked the fresh tears away, looking back at his portfolios. “Oh... yes.” he said so delicately Momo was sure if he held onto his hand any harder he would break him.

They both looked down at their entwined hands, then back up at each other. “As much as I like holding your hand...” Ai began, smile nervous and sweet.

Momo blinked at him – before letting go, avoiding his eyes, blushing like mad. “Uh, yeah, sorry.” he said, everything in a fluster. “Which would you suggest?”

Ai rested his hands on his knees, still feeling shaky and sad, but he managed to pick out his favourite. “My college one is probably the best. I was actually trying, I suppose. I had joint honours – photography and youth work. Then I did teacher training.” he looked up at Momo, who looked very surprised, which made him giggle. “What is it?”

Momo just shook his head, picking up the portfolio he suggested and opening it up. “I mean... you're just... smart.” he shook his head again at the beautiful photographs before him – they were of a lake on a frosty, sunny morning, the colours bright and happy, even the dark colours looked... light. “And talented. And beautiful. How?”

Ai pushed his glasses up his nose, cheeks flaming, rubbing his cold, clammy hands on his legs. “Uh, no, I'm not, I just... I get on, and... doing what you love helps, you know?” he smiled shyly up at him. “As for beautiful, well... I've never been called that before.”

It was Momo's turn to go red, yet again. “What? Did I say that?” he laughed it off, flipping the page, not really taking in the images on those pages, too flustered to notice.

Ai smiled sweetly, fiddling with his glasses again. “Yes.” he said so delicately once again, Momo's heart flipped. “Thank you. I think you're beautiful too. In your own way.”

Momo swallowed, wanting to desperately change the subject. “Uh--” he began, his voice cracking in his throat, something that hadn't happened since he was at least seventeen, sweat beading on his forehead. “How did you... uh... take that one?”

Ai knew he was avoiding his compliment, but he didn't comment, just leaning a little into him and pointing out things in the photograph. Momo wasn't really listening – he was concentrating on the warmth of Ai's side in his, how sweet he smelt, how soft his skin felt on his. So many sensations all at once almost sent him mad – but Ai pulled away after he was finished explaining, smiling at him. “So, it wasn't exactly an easy photograph to take.” he shrugged happily. “Would you like a drink?”

Momo nodded, mouth so dry he couldn't speak. “Tea, please.” he croaked out, and Ai nodded, getting up rather daintily and walking into his kitchen, followed by a fat, black cat who had been snoozing on the back of the sofa behind them.

Momo flipped through page after page of his college work, unable to take his eyes off his beautiful artwork, all the perfect lights and shadows and balance of colours and focus - he could stare at it all day. No wonder people wanted him so bad.

He came across a few pictures he didn't want to look at too much, however.

A man with eyes as blue as the Mediterranean sea in the summer, and hair so dark it looked like midnight was a running theme over a couple of pages.

He kind of reminded him of Jet. The same blue eyes, the same dark hair. It looked soft, falling over his eyes in some photos, all ruffled.

In some, he was smiling, not at the lens, but at Ai, behind the camera. In some, he was looking off into the distance, eyes dreaming. Some of him sleeping, some of him wound in their bed sheets, completely bare, the light from the slats in the blinds illuminating and casting shadows over his big muscles and tan skin.

They were beautiful. All of them.

He looked big and scary, but if someone as quiet and delicate as Ai was married to him, he must have been as soft as a kitten underneath. He looked as if he would probably kill you if you got on the wrong side of him – but his eyes, a soft, teal colour, ones that reminded him of a sad puppy, were kind, gentle, understanding.

He probably made Ai feel like the most loved and protected person in the whole world.  
Ai returned with two mugs (both, of course, had cats on them), smiling down at him. “Are you OK?”

Momo nodded, quickly turning the page to more nature studies. "Yeah." he smiled weakly, tapping the page he was on, but all he wanted to do was turn back and stare at his late husband more.

He was gorgeous. Obviously in love with Ai. So, so in love with him. It was in his eyes when he smiled at him - bright, alive, his smile jumping off the page - it was such a lovely sight. Momo turned back quickly, eager to get another look, needing to feel the emotion, needing to drink in the love and affection and passion that were represented in these pictures. 

This was probably a poor representation of how it really was.

His half smile only told half the story. 

His sparkling eyes only showed half his soul.

His naked body only representing their true passion and desire for one another, their comfort and lack of insecurities, deep and eternal fires in their guts. 

None of it could have measured up to the real thing.

And Momo was jealous.

How did he take that picture when he was in bed, birds eye view like that? Was he straddling him? Hovering over the bed? Why could he imagine Ai touching his chest to make him blush? Kissing his stomach? His neck?

Momo blushed himself. He was being stupid. They had been married. And it was natural to feel the jealousy. Maybe. He'd never felt like this over anyone else before.

Why? Why did he want to put himself through this? Why did he have to start falling for a man who was stuck loving his dead husband? 

Why did he have to fall for anyone at all?

He was happy on his own, he always has been. He has friends and his family and his daughter and his job. He met interesting adults and kids everyday. He had his dogs. 

He had every kind of love there was. 

Apart from what he felt for Ai. 

Not platonic love. Not lust.

But it fizzed in his gut and bubbled over like a shaken can of soda whenever Ai smiled or laughed or brushed his hand or listened to him, his wonderful eyes on him at all times. 

He knew his face flushed and he couldn't muster up a proper sentence, his palms sweating and nerves wrecking him into nothing. 

He'd literally met him properly yesterday.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

Ai looked over his shoulder. "Oh." he said softly, voice soft and sad.

Momo broke out of his daydream and blinked at him once, twice - before slamming his hand on top of the photos (why?) and looking straight at him.

This was a mistake.

His eyes were misted over like lakes in early January, head in his hand, looking a little lost in the pictures on the page.

It took a while before he spoke again.

"His name was Sou." he began, still staring at the pictures. "Sousuke Yamazaki. We were best friends until high school, when I asked him out on a date. I was surprised when he said yes. He liked to swim, but he hurt his shoulder and couldn't do it any more. He was a total momma's boy and he loved all of his friends. We were really close with them. We didn't go to the same school, but Sousuke knew them through Rin. They came to his funeral... And I never spoke to them again." he sighed shakily, still staring at the photographs. “There were four of them, I think--”

"Nagisa, Rei, Mako and Haru." Momo suddenly interrupted, eyes wide. "I'm friends with them."  
Ai raised his eyes, blinking at him. "You... You are?"he said softly, heart thumping in his chest, having not heard their names in so long.

Momo nodded, grinning. "Yeah! Nagisa and Rei are together, and Makoto and Haru are married. They're not too far from here actually. You could see them, if you wanted." he shrugged.

Ai blinked, wide eyed. He'd missed so much. He had no idea. Makoto and Haru were married. How could he have missed that? Their own wedding? He could have done their photographs for them. And Rei and Nagisa? How could he have not seen that coming? They'd all changed so much, seemingly without him knowing. He would love to see them. He _needed_ to see them. He... needed _them_. He could go. Organise a night out – Nagisa and Rei, Makoto and Haru, maybe Rin too, and himself and...  
He looked back at Momo, who was smiling patiently at him. He swallowed – before shaking his head, removing the scenario from his mind.

"I couldn't." he said gently, lowering his eyes to his hands, which were knotted together. "They'd hate me."

Momo shook his head. "No. No, they wouldn't. They understand." He reached over and lay one hand over Ai's. They were sweaty and hot against his cold, dry hands, and Ai wanted to pull away - but he didn't, because it was... nice. He tingled in appreciation, a sudden surge of adrenaline causing him to unlock his hands and take Momo's instead, linking their fingers and brushing his thumb. 

Momo was blushing when he looked up again.

Blushing.

Ai couldn't help but giggle. He matched his hair, his freckles brightening up with him. 

It was Momo's turn not to look at him.

Ai circled his fingertip along the inside of his wrist, making his hair stand on end.

Why was he doing that?

"You're very kind." Ai said softly, continuing to cause Momo some kind of odd pleasure with his gentle fingertips. "But I don't think so. They have their own lives now. I bet... I bet Rei and Nagisa want to get married, and Haru and Makoto probably have kids to take care of, and I wouldn't want to burden them."

Momo shook his head, ignoring the goosebumps and the fizzing in his tummy again. "They talk about you! They want to know how you are. They want to see if you're OK. Why not call them?"

Ai shook his head again, feeling like a stubborn toddler. "No. I can't." he whispered.

Momo nodded. "Fine. I will." 

As Ai was about to protest, Momo pressed his finger against his lips, shaking his head.  
"You need them." he said quietly, moving away his hand and smiling sadly at him. "You know you do."

Ai didn't say anything, because he knew he was right. He needed his friends more than anything in the world. But... Something was stopping him. A nagging at the back of his mind, one that told him that no one really cares about him, not any more, not since he cut them off. They hated him for it. He wasn't the only one grieving. He wasn't the only one who loved him. But he's acted as such. He'd been so selfish and so alone for so long he didn't think that his friends could ever stand to see him any more. That they'd forgotten about him. 

They hated him.

Ai had to suppress the urge to push Momo away and start to clean - anything, anywhere – as his anxiety riled up. He suddenly felt how sweaty Momo's hands really were, how his own hands were now sweaty. They were swapping fluids, and he could feel it seeping into his bloodstream.

How long?

How long had they been like this?

Momo had touched his lips.

Where had his hands been?

He's been putting up flyers and holding his dogs and his daughter had a cold. When was the last time he washed his hands? Would he catch it? Were his dogs carriers of something?

He was silent during this internal panic, staring off into space. Momo watched him. 

As if he knew.

"Are you okay?" he asked, blinking at him. "What's wrong?"

Ai pulled away from him, grabbed the baby wipes that he always kept in the right corner of his coffee table and rubbed away the sweat and warmth, letting the clean chemicals fill him with relief.

“I'm fine,” he said softly, rubbing his hands with some vigour. “Just... a... a little uncomfortable.”

He wiped between his fingers, the back of his hands, his wrists, then pulled out a clean wipe and wiped his lips – and a rush of peace filled his lungs, letting out a sigh.

He was okay now.

Momo felt awful. It was because his hands were clammy, wasn't it?

He couldn't help it.

He got nervous around him.

It was natural.

Momo stood then, closing the portfolio, hiding his husband away between the pages. "I'm gonna go." he said softly, setting the album on the coffee table. “I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Ai squeezed the wipe between his hands. "Uh, sure..." he watched him shrug on his jacket, which he had hung up on the back of the living room door, which Ai appreciated. "Are you... Going to call them?"

Momo blinked at him. "Do you want me to?" he asked, tucking his hands in his pockets.

Ai desperately wanted to say no. His whole being rejected this idea of seeing his old friends. They would judge him and ridicule him and ask why they couldn't grieve but he could, why was he allowed to cut them off and never speak to them again and--

"Yes." Ai said quietly. "I would."

Momo nodded with another fantastic grin, one that dimpled his cheeks perfectly. "Okay then." he was quiet for a bit, brow a little bit furrowed, as if he was thinking something through. "I'm free all day tomorrow. Are you doing anything?"

Ai didn't answer at first. He didn't know how to.

If he lied, Momo would know. 

And he would hate him.

He wouldn't understand his routine, he wouldn't get it.

There was no way to explain his behaviours, or why he did it. If he avoided Momo until the afternoon, when he'd finished his routine, would he ask what he'd done that morning?  
He was the nosy type, he had no filter, no boundaries. He was opinionated and unapologetic, as he had so often judged through his living room window, so the question of 'what did you do this morning?' was unavoidable with someone like Momo. 

Ai nibbled his lip, playing with the now dry wipe in his hands. 

Wait.

Ai suddenly began to panic, a random thought hitting him hard.

Was he...

Asking him out? On a date?

No. He couldn't be.

He wasn't gay, right?

Ai nibbled his lip. “No.” he said softly, fiddling with his glasses.

Momo smiled again, shrugging his shoulders. “OK. Do you want to do something? We could go for a walk, if you wanted.”

“Uh...” he swallowed, tugging the dry skin on his bottom lip. “Like... a date?”

Momo turned slightly pink. “Only if you want it to be.” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ai fiddled with his glasses again, trying to muster up the courage to say these next few words. "But...” he began, looking at the floor. “You're not gay." his mouth was moving before he could stop it, blurting this stupid thought out - before covering his mouth with his hand, eyes wide, face going a dark shade of red. 

Momo was quiet for a very long few seconds as his words settled - before he burst into peels of laughter, clutching his stomach, as if it was the funniest joke in the world. Ai was quiet for a little bit, before he began to laugh too, despite himself, Momo's snorts and cackles contagious, loud and beautiful. His walls rang with the sound, bouncing off them and filling him with happiness and all of the things Ai had been missing for such a long time. This noise he was only used to being on the other side of the wall – and suddenly his own home was filled with it, a sudden burst of his own little bit of joy. Such a simple thing like Momo's laughter bought him so close to feeling alive again.  
He didn't want to go a day without hearing it.

Momo wiped his eyes, still chuckling. "How do you know?" he eventually snorted, rubbing his stomach where it ached. "I slept with one girl."

Ai shrugged. "You don't have that... Vibe." he then smiled at his unamused expression. "You know! That gay vibe!"

"No." Momo grinned, shaking his head. "I don't know."

"Exactly! You only know about the gay vibe if you're gay. You can just look at someone and know." he stared right at him, as of studying him, Momo enjoying this to no end. "You're not gay."

Momo shrugged. “Well, no. I'm not.” he smirked.

Ai blinked. He was being so vague about this. "But... You..." he struggled, not wanting to say it.

Momo shrugged. "I dunno. I like what I like, I guess." he flashed his cheekiest grin. "You still haven't said anything about tomorrow."

Ai went pink. He likes what he likes...

And he was one of them!

He barely knew him! They met each other yesterday! All because of that tiny cat! And he's asking him out! On a date! Ai swallowed.

Say yes.

Yes yes yes!

"I'm... I'm free." he stammered, wringing his hands again.

"Good." Momo smiled. "Where do you want to go?”

Ai was dizzy with excitement - and worry and panic and nerves... “Uh...” he rubbed his lips together. “Surprise me.”

Momo raised an eyebrow. “OK. Sure.” he grinned again. “Are you sure you trust me?”  
Ai widened his eyes, heart leaping. “Should I?”

He began to laugh at this. “That's your call.” he took out his phone. “Could I have your number? I'll text you details when I know what we're going to do.”

Ai nodded, and he only just realised that he had a big smile on his face when his cheeks began to ache. “Uh, yeah... Uh...” he patted around the sofa, his jeans, glancing over the coffee table and his bookshelves, all the usual places he put his phone (clean, germ-free places), beginning to panic – when he spotted a silver corner poking out through the thick stomach fur of Marmalade, his oldest cat. He and Sousuke adopted her together when they moved in with each other.

“It's underneath Marmalade.” Ai announced, and Momo found himself laughing.

“Marmalade?”

Ai picked up the fat, old, ginger cat off of the bookshelf, holding her to his chest. “Marmalade!” he kissed behind her ear, and she began to purr loudly, closing her eyes in content. “My pretty old kitty.”

Momo watched him scratch this cats head with adoration in his eyes, Ai's face so full of love for an animal he had 'about eight' of. It was incredible. He had put all his love that he felt for his friends and his lover into his cats, who gave him only limited affection in return, came and went as they pleased, maybe never coming home. But Ai loved these soft animals so much, all because he had no one else to put his love into.

And Momo definitely wanted to change that.

They swapped numbers, and Ai leant against his front door, arms wound around himself in the cold, Momo standing on the doorstep. “You couldn't walk me home, could you?”

Ai rolled his eyes behind his lenses, making Momo chuckle. “Funny.” he then smiled at him. “Are you going to call them, then?”

Momo nodded, smiling encouragingly at him. “Of course. And you're definitely gonna come see them?”

Ai hesitated – then nodded, hugging himself tight. “Yes.” he said in that very delicate way he does. “I'll see you tomorrow then, I suppose.”

Momo nodded. “Yep. Say goodnight to Jet for me.”

Ai smiled gently. “Of course. Goodnight, Momo.”

He waved, and walked into his own yard. Ai was still standing at his door when he unlocked his own front door. “Goodnight, Ai.” he smiled, and shut the door behind him.

He leant against the back of it, head tilted to the ceiling, eyes closed.

_He did it._

_He asked him out._

_A DATE! HIS FIRST DATE IN MONTHS!_

Momo screwed up his eyes and clenched his fists and couldn't help but let out a sort of laugh, sort of yelp. He covered his face in his hands and doubled over, laughing some more, a big grin on his face, and when Sundae approached to see what was going on, he scooped him up in his arms and squeezed him to his chest.

"Do you know," he began, holding his dog at arms length. "How fucking happy I am?"

Sundae said nothing in response, just stuck his tongue out and began to pant at him. Grinning, he kissed his head and set him back down again.

He was surging with happiness, whole body glowing. 

This was the kind of happiness he'd been missing.

All this excitement and adrenaline and whooshes of love filling his chest, sending him on a ridiculous high. 

He couldn't sleep, or relax, that was for sure. It was only about ten at night, and he had some things to do. 

First things first: call his friends.

He sat down crossed legged on his sofa and rang Rei first. Nagisa was usually at work in the evenings in the week, because he preferred it. He never slept, anyway. He was a constant fountain of energy, much like his daughter.

Rei answered after the third ring. "You do realise it's ten o'clock in the evening, right?" 

Momo laughed. "Nice to hear from you too. How's everything?"

"Great. Work's hard, but everything else is pretty good." he said. "And you?"

"Good! And I am my usual self. Obnoxious." he laughed as he could feel Rei bristle from the other end of the line. "You said it, not me."

"Yes, well, you are obnoxious. But you're sweet about it." he chuckled. "Anyway, was there a reason why you called? You never call unless you want something."

Momo snorted. "You're not wrong." he rearranged himself, building up the confidence. "So... Aichirou."

Rei was quiet. He then said: "Yes. What about him?"

Momo fiddled with his t-shirt. "He's my neighbour. Has been for as long as I've been here, actually." he didn't want to tell him about the date. They were just friends to anyone else, at the moment. Maybe to themselves, too. "And... He wants to see you. And Nagisa."

Rei breathed in deeply. "Right."

There was a long, awkward pause, before Rei spoke again, voice irritated. "I have so many questions that you probably don't know the answer to, and I don't expect you to know the answers either, but I don't want to ask Ai. He's in a mess. You know that, right?" 

Momo nodded, before realising he couldn't see him. "Yeah. I know. But it's not his fault--"

"I know that." Rei said quietly. "He cut us off when he needed us most, and now, what, three years later? He wants to see us all of a sudden?"

Momo blinked. Rei sounded angry. Upset, even. 

"Do you know in that first year when we hadn't heard from him I was so wound up Nagisa and I split up? I didn't want to be happy because it was clear Ai wasn't. Nagisa was at a complete loss. He thought he was dead. Those horrible six months after the funeral was what teared us all up. Ai isn't at fault. He obviously didn't know how to handle it. But cutting us off wasn't the right thing to do. Where were you, when this happened? Don't you remember?"

Momo was travelling, with his brother and sister. They were in India when Nagisa messaged him online, telling him about a friend who had died. He sent his condolences, but he didn't know them and he didn't really care. Not then.

"Anyway..." Rei continued, sighing deeply. "Why are you calling for him?"

Momo ummed and arred for a bit, knowing now why Ai _didn't_ want to call. "He knew you were going to ask questions... But he wants to see you, face to face. Maybe he'll answer them if you're all there."

Rei was quiet for a bit. "Sure." he eventually said, slowly and surely. "Okay. I'll let Nagisa know. He's just getting ready for work, actually, do you want to speak to him?”

“Yeah, sure.” Momo smiled, and as the phone was being passed through the house, Momo blew out air from his lungs he didn't know he'd been holding. Christ. Rei was not happy with him.   
Nagisa was soon on the phone, who, thank God, was happier than his disgruntled boyfriend that Ai wanted to see him. 

"What? He wants to see us?" he cried, his excitement buzzing down the line. "Oh, my God! When? It's been so long!"

“Yeah.” Momo said sadly. “He just wants to talk to you.”

“Oh, gosh. Is he ready to? I mean... he hasn't really spoken to anyone for--”

“Three years last month.” Momo finished for him, sighing deeply. “We talked about... you know... today.”

Nagisa was quiet for a little bit. “Is... Is he OK?” he whispered, voice tiny and upset. “He's not still... y'know... ill, is he?”

Momo blinked, unsure on what he meant. Ill? “What do you mean?”

“Oh, dear.” Nagisa said softly. “Um... I don't think I should tell you, but...” he struggled on the other end of the line. “He has been really damaged by Sou's death... I mean, we all were, but... his mental health really deteriorated, y'know? There was that horrible time when we all thought he'd _died_. He just went quiet. Then his sister called. He was in hospital.”

Momo bit down hard on his lip. “And?”

“He was diagnosed with depression and OCD. He might have gotten better, I don't know. But... Mo, I would be careful, he's so delicate. You've not tried anything, have you?”

Momo swallowed, his mind flitting back to the times when he'd cleaned his hands in front of him, especially when they were outside – his hands were red raw from rubbing in the antibacterial gel, blaming it on the cold. He even cleaned his daughter's hands for her, not for his benefit, of course, but he just assumed it was because she got a bit of dirt on them, not because she wanted to hold his hand. How neat his little house was, all clean and symmetrical, why it smelt of disinfectant, the blossom spray to cover up the smell of bleach. Why he wanted them to take off their shoes at the front door, why he dusted off those portfolios, why he wiped his hands after they'd been holding them. _How could he have not seen a problem with that?_

“Mo?” Nagisa called him back to Earth. “Sorry, I have to get to work. Are you OK?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. Um, could you or Rei call Mako or Haru for me? He... he wants to talk to them, too.” he said slowly, biting down on his thumbnail.

“Sure! See you later, Mo.” Nagisa dismissed, and he put the phone down.

After receiving all of this knowledge, he tried to decide on a safe and clean place to take Ai on their date – but his mind kept thinking and thinking about the things he's done. Why does he have so many animals if he's obsessed with keeping the house clean? He was always covered in cat hair, did this not bother him? Is that why he didn't go out so often? Was he scared of catching something? The depression was understandable, but why OCD? He was thinking so hard he didn't notice his phone buzzing in his pocket.

 **Gou x:** hey sorry to be an awful bother but could you take Maddie to your mom's tomorrow? I know you're super busy... sorry! Xxxx

Momo sighed deeply, running his hand through his hair.

 **Mo x:** hey yeah no probs, have u let her know she's coming?xxxx

 **Gou x:** course I have! She's fine with it, she loves our Maddie. Thank you my darling, you mean the world! Xxxx

 **Mo x:** sure sure, no problem doll xxxx

So, now he had to work around this, too. Sighing deeply, he pulled out his laptop and started some research.

After about an hour of planning, he texted Ai the details.

 **Momo:** hey! So I have decided where we're going. I'll pick you up around eleven, and make sure you bring your camera and some comfy shoes. Let's hope its a nice day tomorrow x

 **Ai:** Right! That's fine. Where are you taking me? X

 **Momo:** that's for me to know and you to find out. X

 **Ai:** Oh gosh! Okay. I'll be ready, then! X

 **Momo:** it's not very exciting, but I thought you could use a nice day out x

 **Ai:** don't say that! Anything with you must be exciting. I'll start packing my camera then! X

Momo went to bed the happiest he had ever been that night, and found himself dreaming of living with Ai and Maddie and his fat cat named Marmalade, in a small, clean house next to a cute little Elementary school in which they both taught in. Ai taught Maddie photography and Momo taught her to swim with the pool they had in their backyard, and every so often, a small, black cat with the same coloured eyes as his late husband came to visit them, sitting on their garden fence and watching them with a glint in it's eye.


	3. Wednesday: Very Red and Very Ginger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mo, I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me that,” Ai said gently, reaching up and patting his arm. “And I can tell you now that you have nothing to worry about, because I think you're incredibly handsome.”  
> “Come on,” Momo dropped his hands, letting him take one in his. “You didn't see me when I was thirteen. It was bad.”  
> Ai shrugged. “Maybe it was. But that doesn't matter. You're a lovely person and whether you are very red and very ginger I will still like you.”  
> Momo laughed out loud, running a hand down his face. “Wow, thanks, Ai. You know how to make a man feel special.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi  
> sorry if this chapter isn't very strong? like i wrote so many different endings to this and i couldn't pick one i liked and UGH  
> so i just ended it simply i guess.  
> this will be the last chapter until june! i have exams that i really should be studying for WHICH I HAVEN'T BEEN AT ALL HAHAHA A  
> I just wanted to get this out of the way so to speak so i can concentrate on exams!!! gotta love 'em lmao  
> Again, this was rather upsetting for me to write. Idk, I've lived with behaviors that you're about to read and when you're a kid they're super scary to witness. Maybe that's why I struggled to get through it. idk. sorry if it's not as good as the other two.  
> anyways, happy reading!! xo

 

**Wednesday**

 

Gou looked rather radiant that particular morning, standing in her tight, black pencil skirt, silky blouse and black stockings, her red painted toenails visible through the thin nylon. She had her hair down for once, curled loosely around her shoulders. She smiled at Momo when she answered the door, one that made her look as if she was always happy to see him, light pink lips parted a little to reveal pearly white teeth.

“Good morning, handsome.” she greeted, kissing his cheek.

Momo kissed her cheek back, catching a whiff of her flowery perfume she's worn since she was a teenager, a smell that was always caught in her hair or her clothes, and sometimes Maddie smelt of it too, maybe after a hug or a kiss off of her mother. It was the smell that made him miss her, leaving a little ache here and there when he remembered their short-lived affair. He still loved her, but it wasn't in the same way as he used to, and it probably never will be again. Still, there were feelings there, but they were mere scars. They managed to surpass them, for their daughter. And now they were the best of friends.

“Good morning, beautiful.” he grinned. “You look wonderful.”

Gou flicked her hair over her shoulder, smiling sweetly at him. “Thank you! Want to come in?”

Momo glanced behind him to see if her boyfriends car was there. She caught this and grinned. “He's not here.” she crossed her arms over her chest. “He's been taking early shifts recently.”

Momo smiled sympathetically and took the offer of going into her home. It was sleek and modern, but it was filled to the brim with pictures of Gou's inspirational quotes, weird novelty items she'd picked up from various thrift stores and jumble sales, and family photographs, even one of him and Maddie still hung above the kitchen door from when she was a baby, which he was pretty chuffed about. He assumed her boyfriend wasn't happy about that, however.

“I'm in late today, they called me literally as you rolled up, so I could have taken her. Sorry.” she scratched her forehead with her short, manicured nails, knitting her brow together. “I keep making you do things.”

Momo shook his head. “Don't be stupid. She's my daughter too. You know I'll help with whatever I can.” he then gestured at the picture he'd been staring at. “I love that picture. I have that in the exact same place at mine, too.”

Gou raised her eyes to the same photograph, face softening. “It is a lovely picture of you two. She looks so happy.” she smiled then. “James doesn't like it, but I won't let him take it down. He thinks he's her father. It's like he completely ignores the fact that you exist. He's a bastard for that.”

Momo made no comment, just scoffed a little bit. Gou sighed, letting her shoulders drop. “Sorry. I shouldn't talk about him with you.” she glanced over at him – he was still looking at the photograph, but his face was disgruntled. “Don't worry. He's not going to touch it.” she nudged him playfully. “Drink?”

They sat in the kitchen together, Gou leaning against the counter top with her second coffee of the morning, Momo sat at the breakfast bar with a mug of tea, the two of them mostly talking about Maddie. Every now and again, Momo would get a text from Ai, and he always replied to it, which annoyed Gou, especially when she was talking. “Who is that?” she said after about the fifth text, furrowing her brow.

Momo didn't look up. “Huh?” he mumbled, tapping out a message with a small smile on his face.

“Who are you texting?” she demanded, a little frustrated. “It's not your work is it? I'm not making you late?”

“What? No,” Momo shook his head, placing the phone on the tabletop. “I don't have work today. It's Ai.”

Gou blinked at him, eyes wide. “Ai? He's actually talking to you? But... he hasn't said a word to my brother for years, why does he suddenly want to get to know you?” she covered her mouth with her hand. “I didn't mean for that to sound rude, but, you know! Why?”

Momo shrugged, shaking his head. “I dunno, but he seems to like me. We're actually going out today.” he smiled, a little too smugly for Gou's liking.

“Like a date?” she raised her eyebrow, a little sceptical.

Momo shrugged again. “Well, I guess so. But I'm not going to try anything, honestly. I know about his... you know.” he widened his eyes at her, motioning with his hand. “Illness.”

Gou nodded slowly, sipping her coffee. “Hmm. I mean, he's a sweet guy! I'm not trying to stop you, Mo, I mean, as long as you're careful, and you know for sure he likes you, I say go for it. He's just... a bit weird.” she said the last part behind her mug, not looking him in the eye.

Momo pulled his mouth in a straight line, furrowing his brow. “Well, his husband did die and he does have OCD, Gou, I'm sure you would be a bit weird around people, too.” he snapped, suddenly very defensive over him.

“Whoa!” she held up her hand, a little scared of his tone. “Sorry! I didn't mean to offend. Just... he is.”

Momo didn't reply, just sipped his tea, trying to think of something to change the subject, when his phone buzzed beside him.

 

 **Ai:** Are we staying out for long? Would you like me to make a picnic? Though, it really depends where we're going! X

 **Mo:** yes! That would be lovely X

 **Ai:** OK! I'm really excited :) x

 

This made his smile widen, in which Gou cleared her throat at, making him look up at her. “You know, dating someone with a mental illness can be very hard.” she said, very slowly, watching him with a stern gaze.

Momo raised an eyebrow. “I'm sure I'll be able to cope.” he muttered, replying to Ai's message.

Gou cleared her throat once again. “I mean, it must be hard... talking to him about things like that... All the questions...”

“What is your problem?” Momo interrupted her slow, drawled out rambling with another snap of the tongue. “Are you jealous or something? Because if you are then you can tell me.”

Gou was shocked at his anger, pretty eyes wide in fear. “What? No! I'm not! Not jealous at all!” she sipped her coffee again, avoiding eye contact at all costs. “You just... You're just... It's not fair on Maddie if you start dating!”

“OK, so you're going to lay this all on our daughter now, right?” Momo snapped, narrowing his eyes at her. “Real mature. I know you're jealous, which is stupid, because we've never been together, and you've told me yourself you don't love me like that. So why are you suddenly trying to stop me to pursue happiness in my life? Is it because James, who is an absolute cock by the way, isn't giving you what you want? Because I could have told you that for free, ever since I met him. Gou, he's a dickhead and you know it. If you're jealous of me because I think I've found someone better than what you have, I think you need to sit down with lover boy and tell him exactly how you feel, or it's just going to get worse.”

Gou was very quiet, shocked at his outburst, heart thudding in her ears – before she began to cry, tears rolling down her cheeks in black streaks as her mascara melted, dainty shoulders shaking and heart aching with the horrible truth. “I think he's having an affair.” she blurted, unable to hold it in any longer. “He doesn't come home when I-I need h-him, and he n-never answers h-his phone a-and he's st-started on Maddie a-and that's why I w-want you to take care of her m-more because I-I'm scared, Mo! I-I'm so so scared he'll do s-something to me or her... I-I'm sorry, I'm a terrible mother. And friend. And everything!”

Momo blinked. Out of all the things that could have happened today, this one he wasn't expecting. And it was only nine in the morning. He stood slowly, unsure on what to do. Again, much like last night, feeling useless as someone's heart broke right in front of him. He grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter and handed it to her.

“Sorry,” she whispered, dabbing her eyes gently with the tissue, sniffing daintily. “I didn't mean to take it out on you.”

Momo rubbed her back gently, watching her carefully. “Why didn't you tell me?” he said softly, taking her tissue from her shaking hand and blotting at the black on her porcelain cheek. “You gotta kick him out. He's not making you happy.”

She watched his eyes with sorrow, eyes watery. “Why did I ever leave you?”

Momo didn't know what to say. His head was suddenly filled with all the love he used to feel for Gou after those few words, a feeling he'd managed to lock away in his heart and never touch again. But seeing her cry for a man who didn't care, her words that were so full of sincerity he couldn't help but feel all the love he'd had done in the past, chest growing tight. She was beautiful, every single part of her.

He opened his mouth, about to speak, but she got there first.

“Listen to me! I'm a mess!” she sighed deeply, blinking back her tears and breathing in deeply. “We better get Madison ready.”

“Gou.” Momo said softly, watching her busy herself with breakfast. “She can get ready at my mom's, let's talk.”

“No, no, that wouldn't be fair on your mom. She's nice enough to look after her.” she said quickly, folding up a tea towel, keeping her hands busy. “Could you wake her up, please?”

Momo tightened his lips. “Gou--”

“Please.” she said firmly, finally looking him in the eye, daring him to say another word.

Momo opened his mouth to argue, but the look on her face made him close down the conversation as quick as it had started, and he left her alone, making his own way through her home.

Maddie was curled up in her pretty pink princess bed, only her eyes and hair visible as her duvet was pulled up over her nose, snoring softly through her cold. Momo smiled, a warmth filling his chest as he watched his daughter sleep. He sat at the edge of her bed and pressed a hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her awake. “Maddie...” he whispered, watching her stir. “Time to get up.”

She mumbled something of a complaint into her fuchsia sheets, voice soft and tired. Momo leant in closer. “Come on, sleepyhead, your grandma's waiting.” he smiled, kissing her head.

She pushed his face away, soft brow furrowed. “I wanna stay here!” she whined, pulling the duvet over her head. “Bad daddy.”

Momo knew he shouldn't laugh, but he couldn't help himself, her stroppy attitude something she had inherited from her mother, who had said near enough the same things to him when he's tried to get her out of bed. “Come on, princess!” he poked her side, making her squirm. “I'll tickle you.”

“No!” Maddie cried, but she still didn't move.

Momo poked her ribs again, and she snorted. He began to tickle her then, fingers scrambling over her stomach and sides, making her squeal, kicking her legs and pushing at his hands. “Stop!” she giggled, trying to roll away. “Look! I'm out!”

As she tried to escape his tickles, he grabbed her waist and sat her on his lap, making her giggle again. She pushed her thick bed hair away from her face and frowned at her dad. “I'm sick, daddy! Why do I have to get up?” she crossed her arms over her chest, making Momo laugh.

“Don't you want to go to grandma's?” he asked, digging around in his hoody pocket for a tissue, as her nose was running quite badly.

“I want to stay here!” she protested – then she wiped her nose on her pyjama sleeve.

“Madison!” Momo scolded, finding a bit of tissue in his jeans and wiping her nose for her. “Use a tissue!”

Maddie said nothing, just sniffed.

“Look, now you have to get changed.” he sighed, lifting her off his knee and standing her on her bedroom floor. “I'll get you some clothes, go brush your teeth.”

Maddie, still stroppy, reluctantly complied, stamping into the bathroom and slamming the door shut.

“Don't slam the door!” he shouted after her, and he didn't know if he got an insult back or not, but he would have let it slide anyway. Only because, every time she did call him a silly playground name, he almost always laughed.

“Who's slamming the door?” Gou called upstairs, sounding a little bit peeved.

Momo sighed. “It's fine, don't--” he began, but she was already off on one.

“Madison, what have I told you about doing that?”

Momo stepped outside of Maddie's room, and Gou was leaning against the bathroom door frame, arms crossed. Her eyes were bright red, like she had been crying all this time. Momo didn't make a comment, though.

Maddie, rather grumpy after being woken up so early even though she wasn't going to school, answered sharply. “I don't want to go to grandma's!” she snapped, leaning against the door to stop her parents coming in. “I want to stay with mommy!”

Gou pressed her hand to her forehead, sighing deeply. “I can't stay, Maddie, I have to go to work. Daddy's busy too, there's no one to look after you.”

“Granny can come here!” she cried, rocking back and forth on her heels, shoulders thudding on the door.

Momo sighed deeply. “She can't, she's not very well, Maddie, you know that.” he scratched the back of his head. “Look, if you come out and get dressed like a good girl I'll get you pancakes for breakfast.”

Gou shot him a look. “No you will not!” she hissed, narrowing her eyes at him. “She can't have sugar! She'll be off the walls for your mother!”

“Yeah but... if it gets her out.” Momo smiled with a shrug, and Gou sighed irritably, knocking on the door.

“Come on, Princess, out you come.” she sweetened her voice, trying to stay calm.

“No! You can't make me!”

And that's when she locked the bathroom door.

* * *

Sitting in the middle of his living room floor, crossed legged with Jet in his lap, Ai searched through one of his oldest cameras he'd dug out from underneath his bed. He had a big box full of little, individual boxes which held all of his older, more dated cameras, which he'd stored very carefully and were still in peak condition. This camera in particular was one in which he received for his seventeenth birthday off of his father, whom he never really saw, or spoke to any more, since he'd practically disowned him after announcing his engagement to Sousuke. He didn't know if it was because he was gay, or because he didn't like Sousuke, but, either way, he didn't really miss him. He was a bit of an ass hole, anyway.

On the camera were pictures of his sister, his old dog named Dee-Dee, who died only a few years ago. Pictures of old buildings in his neighbourhood, of carnival lights and beautiful stars. Then he came across pictures of his old friends, his heart swelling. One of him and Nagisa sat on a beach, their heads together, sunglasses over their eyes, smiling at whoever was taking the picture. He remembered Nagisa's hair smelt of vanilla and his freckles were in full bloom, and on that day he had given Ai a friendship bracelet, promising him that whenever he felt alone, he should look at that bracelet and remember that he was loved, even if it was just by him.

Ai hadn't seen that bracelet since Sousuke had died.

There was one of Rin and Sousuke, the two of them standing with surfboards, soaked with sea water, laughing with each other. Ai realised this must have been a sneaky shot on his part. It was a lovely picture – the setting sun shining on their skin, smiles so happy and real. Ai was smiling to himself at the young image of his late husband. He still loved him. Of course he did. But he was ready to move on now. Wrap the memory of Sousuke up in a little box in his heart and lock it away – he would keep the key, but only for the right times. He needed to look forward, now, and he no longer looked into teal eyes, but ones of amber and gold.

He skipped the image to one of Haru and Sousuke sitting on the beach together – no talking, just sitting, watching the sea. They had never seen eye-to-eye, and sometimes Ai wondered if Haru even liked him. But he did turn up to his funeral, and comforted Ai as he cried with a pat of the hand and a few wise words he couldn't remember with tears in his own eyes. Makoto was as upset as Ai was – the two were very close, despite only knowing each other for a few years, and he and Ai shared memories and stories solemnly at his wake, sipping endless cups of tea that Ai's tears sometimes plopped into.

Ai found a picture with Sousuke and Makoto in. They weren't at the beach (he couldn't really remember the time at the beach properly – just that it was hot, and he and Nagisa ate a _lot_ of ice-cream and took the piss as they watched the other boys swim), but in a park near their school. It looked like summer, and the two of them had their shirt buttons undone to their chest, sat on a park bench with cold drinks in their hands, Makoto grinning in that wonderful way he does as Sousuke talked, as if he was telling the funniest story in the world. He could see, just behind them, Rei and Nagisa sat on the swings in the park. Well, Nagisa was hanging upside down whilst Rei watched on, which was a little hilarious. Ai skipped a close up photo of Nagisa and Rei on the swings, the photo of ducks and the photo of pretty trees, to one of Sousuke, Nagisa and Rei feeding the ducks he'd taken a photograph of a few moments prior. Nagisa was holding what he could only describe as some kind of food over a ducks head, almost teasing it, whilst Rei was just tossing bread into the water, watching Nagisa with a small smile on his face. Sousuke was holding his middle finger up at Ai as he took the photo, grinning at him. Ai distinctly remembered sticking his tongue out at him afterwards, which earned himself a play fight, a tight hug around the waist and a light kiss on the lips. He blushed as he remembered this – Nagisa had wolf whistled and took a picture on his phone, which may still be drifting around on his Facebook account somewhere, and Rei had complained about public displays of affection.

Ai nibbled his lip, looking at the photograph for a very long time – before sticking his new memory card into his old camera and moving all of the photos he had of his friends onto it.

“Right.” he whispered, ejecting the card and setting the camera down on the floor. “Let's do it.”

Jet jumped out of his lap as he stood upright, and followed him to his desk, where his PC was sat. As soon as he sat at his desk chair, Jet hopped back onto his lap, curling up and purring against Ai's stomach as he absent mindedly ran a gentle hand over his back. He loaded up all of the old pictures, played around with them a little bit to edit the colours and light balance, making them look a little clearer, as if they were taken on one of his newer cameras rather than one that had the quality of a calculator. He then opened his old Facebook account, one he hadn't touched for a good few years. It automatically logged him in. He had more notifications and messages than he'd really hoped for, but, ignoring this, he uploaded all of the photographs he'd found and tagged the friends in them.

 

'Some lovely pictures from high school. I hope some of you remember these, because I don't!'

 

He hovered over the 'post' button, chewing his thumbnail. Should he? What would be the repercussions, the comments? Maybe he would get messages asking questions he knew for a fact he wouldn't be able to answer.

 

Why have you ignored us for so long?

_I don't know._

Why do you want to talk to us now?

_I don't know._

Why were you allowed to grieve? Why couldn't we?

_I don't know._

Why did you cut us off?

_I don't know._

Why are you ill? What happened to you?

_I don't know. I don't KNOW._

It's been three years, why aren't you better?  
_I don't know!_

He meant a lot to us too, you know. He was our friend too.

_I know._

Why are you so selfish, Aichirou? Why did you leave us in the dark?

_I don't know._

Why didn't you let us help you?

_I don't know._

We're your friends.

_I know._

We love you.

_I know._

So why? Why did you let this happen?

 

Ai shut down his PC. He didn't know if he posted the pictures or not, he couldn't remember. But there were tears filling his eyes and an ache in his chest as he thought about how much his friends loved him, or at least used to. Jet pushed his head against his stomach, and Ai picked him up, holding him against his chest and letting his sadness wet his fur, nuzzling his nose into his softness. Jet continued to purr, comforting him, distracting him from his broken mind. He was about to stand up, to tidy his things away and forget the last half hour or so didn't happen, when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

 

 **Mo:** hey. My daughter has locked herself in the bathroom and we cant get her out. Might be a bit late, sorry x

 **Ai:** oh no! Is she okay??? Have you called the fire department??? x

 **Mo:** calm down! She's fine. A little distressed, but we all are. Gou's bf is coming round to get her out, he's a something or other, can't remember what she said, but he'll 'fix' it, lol x

 **Ai:** okay, as long as she's okay! Don't worry about the date, if you can't make it, I understand x

 **Mo:** you're not getting out of it that easy, mister. Her bf's just come, so I'll be back in about half an hour. Be ready! X

 **Ai:** okay. Will be :) x

 

Ai had laid out all that he needed on the kitchen table, lined up in the order he had written on his list, just to be that extra bit of careful. The row went as follows:

  * Satchel (big)

  * Antibacterial gel (2)

  * Tissues

  * Hand cream

  * Phone

  * Wallet

  * Keys

  * Diary

  * Deodorant

  * Gum

  * Extra sweater

  * Prescription sunglasses

  * Glasses case

  * Glasses cloth

  * Umbrella

  * Camera

  * Camera bag

  * Camera lenses




He managed to fit all of this inside of his satchel with ease, so used to packing things he usually never really needs, but takes anyway, as a 'what if' scenario almost always popped up in his head whenever he was on a trip, which is why he didn't go out much. He was scared that he would forget something, or that if he felt dirty would there be somewhere where he could wash his hands? He didn't like public bathrooms because he didn't trust them. They hadn't been cleaned by him so they weren't clean. _Anything_ that hadn't been cleaned by him weren't properly cleaned. You could catch anything in a public place, especially on public transport or in bathrooms. Grocery shopping was the worst. He always had to get the things at the back, as they had most likely not been touched by anyone else, and he never bought fresh as that had been touched by other people, and it was out in the open. Anything could of landed on it. He didn't like anyone else cooking for him, he hated fast food restaurants, he hated clothes shopping, always conscious that someone else had worn that t-shirt or that sweater, and what if they had an illness, or they didn't wash? He hated sleeping in other peoples beds, even when his sister, who understood his illness fully, let him watch her wash his sheets and clean her hands before changing the spare room bed whenever he stayed over – he still never touched the bed, and often stripped those sheets and slept on ones he'd bought from home, _still_ not able to sleep in it comfortably knowing that his sister might be a carrier of something, or she hadn't washed it properly.

 _Everything_ had to be in his control when it came to cleanliness and hygiene. _Everything_ had to be done in a certain routine in a certain way in a certain place in his very uncertain life. He believed that the only thing he had control of was his hygiene.

When Sousuke died, he realised that nothing about life was in his control. It was all fate, or destiny, or a serious of unfortunate events, and then you die. He could not control a single thing that happened to him. If he could, he decided that Sousuke would still be alive, he wouldn't be sick in the head and he would still have the friends he did before.

But that's not how life works. So, his therapist had decided for him a few years back, that his only way of controlling what he couldn't, was keeping himself and everything around him clean. When he was really bad, he often had thoughts of 'if I hoover the whole house three times today, then my mother will live another week'. He'd gotten better in that aspect, but the impulse to clean, to control what he could in life, was still there. And as he was packing all of these things, in order, in his bag, he had the impulse to scrub the oven, even though he had done it already that morning, because he felt that if this date didn't go well, Momo would hate him. He would really, really hate him. So, if he scrubbed the oven once more, the date would go well, and Momo wouldn't hate him.

He packed the rest of the things in his satchel, slipped on a clean pair of rubber gloves, and got scrubbing once more.

He was only halfway through scrubbing when his doorbell rang.

“No.” he breathed, sitting back on his heels. “He can't be here, not yet! Not now, not yet!”

He ignored the doorbell, continuing his strenuous rub down in double quick time, sweat beading on his forehead.

The doorbell rang again.

And then again a few moments later.

Then his phone began to ring, which he ignored, too.

Silence for a few more moments, then his phone buzzed as a text was sent through.

 

 **Mo:** where are you?? I told you to be ready!! x

 **Ai:** bare with me x

 

Ai knew he couldn't keep him waiting, but he also knew if he stopped cleaning the oven, the date would go horribly wrong, and he would end up being hated by yet another person he desperately needed in his life, to keep him in check and not letting stupid thoughts like these ones control his life.

He felt a bit sick as he did it, but he set the sponge down in the bucket and peeled off the gloves. He then slowly, surely, backed off, shaking as he did so.

_You're gonna screw it up, you're gonna screw it up, you're gonna screw it up, you're gonna--_

“Hey!” Momo beamed at him as he opened the door – before furrowing his brow. “Are you OK? You're chalk white.”

Ai did feel incredibly sick, now, the thoughts getting the better of him. “I'm sorry... Um. I... I have to finish something, before we go.” he whispered hoarsely, rubbing his hands together.

Momo raised an eyebrow. “Sure. Do whatever. I have to check on the dogs, anyway, so I'll come back in five.” he watched his eyes carefully. “Are you sure you're OK?”

Ai nodded, giving him a weak, unconvincing smile. “Yes. Just... I'm sorry about this.”

Momo shook his head, shrugging a little. “It's fine! See you in a bit, all right?” he smiled gently at him. “I'll text you when I'm done.”

Ai nodded again, and closed the door slowly as Momo walked away, humming some kind of pop song under his breath as he went, swinging his keys around his finger. Ai pressed his back up against the door, breathing out deeply, the sick feeling lightening up a little bit.

He'd never thought Momo was like that – like he knew everything that was wrong. That he could look you in the eye and read all your thoughts, all your problems, and not be afraid to confront you about them, either. He swallowed. He didn't want him to know about his freak habits and the unconscious thoughts that made him clean his hands without even paying attention to it any more. It just... happened. Like blinking or breathing. He just did it, and only realised what he'd been doing when he'd ran out of antibacterial gel and his hands were red raw from scrubbing at them all day.

He was doing it _now,_ standing behind his door, rubbing the clear gel into his hands, stinging the cracks and cuts in his dry skin. He stopped himself, gripping his hands tight.

_What am I doing?_

He had to stop, right now. Whatever it took, however much pain or withdrawal he had to go through, _he had to stop._

_But if you stop, you'll be out of control again. Nothing will go right. Someone else might die, and it'll be all your fault. You need to clean to control._

Ai was back on his knees in front of the oven, scrubbing away as his thoughts, once again, got the better of him.

He finished as soon as the text from Momo came through.

 

 **Mo:** you ready? :) x

 **Ai:** yes, i'll be out in a sec x

 

He pulled on his jacket after tidying away his cleaning products, grabbed his bags, kissed Marmalade, Jet, Ginny, Jasmine and Noodles goodbye, and left the house after looking back three or four times, checking he hadn't forgotten anything. He then stepped outside his house, after locking his house three times, just like every time, just to make sure he'd locked it, to see Momo leaning against his beaten up old car, tapping away at his phone, hand in his pocket. Ai couldn't help but smile, chest filling with all sorts of excitement, nerves, and fear. A rush of adrenaline hit him like a tonne of bricks, and he walked towards him, smile wide.

“Hey!” he greeted as Momo looked up. “Where are we off to, then?”

Momo blinked at him – he looked completely radiant, his pretty smile lighting up his big blue eyes, his whole being almost knocking him backwards. He looked _amazing._ Well, better than he did a few minutes ago. Not only in his outfit, but his whole self. He gripped his bag with his small hands, blinking at him behind his lenses. “Momo?”

Momo was bought back to Earth, only realising how long he'd been staring when Ai's voice, edged with concern, broke through the little spell he'd had on him. “Yeah.” was all he said, still unable to find any words.

Ai tilted his head, clearly confused. “So?”

Momo furrowed his brow at him. “So what?”

That was when Ai began to laugh, the most genuine, happy little giggle he'd ever heard in his life, his shoulders bouncing and lips parted into a big grin. Momo, once again, was knocked off his feet, heart fit-to-bust, unable to take any of this 'Ai-being-cute' stuff. It was killing him.

“I asked where we were going.” he still had the smile plastered on his face, unable to contain it around him.

“Oh, right,” Momo rubbed his head, tearing his eyes away from him. “You'll find out when we get there.”

“OK! Exciting.” Ai picked up a little basket that seemed to have been at his feet this whole time. “I made a picnic. I didn't really know what you liked, so I just bought a bit of everything. I'm a vegetarian, so I don't really have anything in the way of meat--”

“It's fine.” Momo smiled, taking it off of him and sticking it in his boot. “I'll literally eat anything. I used to eat Maddie's baby food when she wouldn't.”

Ai raised his eyebrow, and Momo pointed at him. “Hey, don't judge me, OK. It got her eating it because I was eating it.” his eyes drifted to his hands, which were knotted at his front. “Man, your hands look sore.”

Ai hadn't put the gloves back on when he went back to cleaning the oven, and even though it was only disinfectant soap and hot water, it seemed to have really hurt his hands. He didn't really notice it, though. Momo had hold of them before he could make up an excuse, running his thumbs over the cracked skin. “Do you have any hand cream?” he asked gently, brow furrowed in concern. “I think I do, actually--”

“I've got some.” Ai said quietly, not looking at him, but at his hands instead, how large they were against his own, soft and warm and freckled. His nails were bitten down the quick and ink spotted some parts of his hands. He didn't notice this yesterday, and he didn't know why he was noticing this now. Maybe because there was nothing else to really look at.

“OK.” he rubbed them once more, before bringing them to his lips and kissing them softly, which made them both blush like mad. “As long as they don't hurt.”

“No.” he whispered, too shocked to say anything else after that unexpected move on Momo's part.

“Right.” he squeezed them and let go. “Let's get going, then.”

* * *

 

Ai was laughing at Momo's recount of that mornings events as they drove down almost deserted roads and empty streets, everyone either at work or in school, it seeming like they were the only people in the world – and right then, in that moment, it really felt like it.

“Gou's boyfriend got all this equipment out, and Gou was threatening to call the fire department, and I was just stood there watching them like 'what the fuck is going on?'.” he shook his head, a big grin on his face at the ridiculousness of it all. “Maddie was having the time of her life. The more she heard James call if she was OK the more she laughed. Like, genuinely laughed at him. She's been around me way too much.”  
Ai couldn't stop giggling. “You don't like him much, then?” he smiled, teasing him a little.

Momo scoffed, making Ai snort. “He's an absolute dick head. Honestly. No idea what Gou sees in him.” he sighed deeply, shoulders relaxing. “Sorry, this was supposed to be a positive trip.”  
“Don't worry, I'm having the time of my life right now.” Ai grinned at him, pushing his glasses up his nose.

Momo couldn't help but smile back, just stealing a quick glance of his perfect smile on his perfect face. “So,” he began, trying to suppress the urge to call him beautiful again, as the slip of the tongue yesterday was more than embarrassing. “What did you do this morning?”

And there it was. The awful, awful question that Ai knew was coming since yesterday. He did prepare for this – he stayed up for most of the night thinking up excuses for this question. Like, he slept in. Or he went for a jog. Or he drove to the park to take some pictures. Or he took some commission shots. Or he got some more work. Or he travelled to Europe and back. Either one was as believable as the last.

“Um...” he began, looking into his lap, where his camera was sat. “I... found some old pictures.”

“Like black and white old?” Momo asked, glancing over at him.

Ai shook his head, stroking his camera bag. “No... Some pictures of our friends from high school. I guess you didn't know them then.”

Momo shook his head. “Nope. I mean, Gou knew you lot, obviously. But I never met them until we started seeing each other, and that was a load of fun. They obviously liked me, otherwise they wouldn't talk to me. And I only knew Nagisa and Rei cos Makoto and Haru had gone to college by then. Still – we're all pretty good friends, I guess.” he shrugged. “I never saw you, though.”

Ai shook his head, smiling shyly. “I skipped a grade.”

Thank God he'd pulled up to a red light, because he'd thrown his arms up and put them on top of his head. “You're so friggin' smart.” he breathed in disbelief, staring at him with wide eyes. “I never finished high school. Why are you talking to me?”

Ai giggled then, shrugging his shoulders innocently. “I don't know. I like you.” he leaned towards him, and for one mad moment Momo thought he was going to kiss him, but he only poked his freckled cheek. “And you're cute.”

Momo grinned like an idiot, someone as beautiful as Ai calling him such a precious word, especially when it came out of his mouth, in his lovely voice. Cute. He'd never been called cute before. “Is that all?” he teased, but that was all he needed, really.

Ai smiled, eyes drifting to his lips, then back into his eyes, a desire to kiss him rolling over him all of a sudden. Momo couldn't help but notice that quick look at his lips, blue eyes now glinting as they looked into his. They watched each other for a few seconds, asking and answering silent questions as they searched through each others gaze, and all of a sudden Ai's lips were on his, his lips a feathers touch, soft and gentle, barely there, and gone as quick as they came, but it was enough to cause Momo's heart to skip a beat and his face to burn, chest bursting with so much feeling all he could do was continue to stare back into the eyes he'd found himself falling in love with. Momo wanted to kiss him again. And again. And again.

But Ai didn't look as if he felt the same way.

“Sorry.” Ai whispered, sitting back in his seat, no longer looking him in the eye, hand to his lips.

Momo brushed his lips with his knuckle, trying to wipe away the tingles he'd left behind. “Don't be.” he said softly, willing the longest red light on this earth to go green. “It was... nice.”

* * *

 

They didn’t talk for the rest of the journey, the air thick with an awkward tension which was impossible to ignore. Ai did speak, however, when he noticed Momo was following the signs that read ‘Nature Reserve and Animal Sanctuary’.

“Where are we going?” he asked, and he didn’t know why, as he already knew – and it was his favourite place in his city to visit.

There was nowhere else like it – it was all cold, grey buildings and boring, cracked roads – but there, it was nature upon nature, luscious greens and bright blues and pastel pinks, a photographers dream. Waterfalls that smelt of rain after a storm, sunshine that warmed your back and rainbows that shone the brightest colours you’d ever seen. Then there were the beautiful sanctuaries they kept for birds and reptiles and little animals like rabbits and chicks. They often held education days for Elementary schools, teaching them about nature, the environment, how to take care of it and what they could do. That was how he discovered it – his Kindergarten class had planned a trip there a few weeks before they broke up for summer. Ai had encouraged them to bring a disposable camera with them, and gave them a list of things to take pictures of, like leaves, flowers, any kind of bug or animal they could find. His class was only little – there were about twelve of them – and he only needed one other chaperone, who was a very young mother of one of the kids. There was only a little bit of an age difference between them, so getting along wasn’t too hard. It was one of the best trips he’d been on with the kids. They enjoyed hiking over the rocky hills (in partners, of course), following the river that was overshadowed beneath a canopy of huge trees, wild flowers growing all around the bank. They hopped over stepping stones in the streams, asked questions about how they grew that big and what kind of flower was that and ‘will you bring your special friend here, Mr. Nitori?’. He’d always grinned at this question, finding it a little funny that they called his fiancé his ‘special friend’. He’d always nod his head and take their hand before they walked into the river or fell over into a mud puddle. The thing was, he never _did_ take Sousuke to this place. And that was probably why he felt he could go there without his thoughts following him. There were no memories here. It was a safe, happy place.

The only reason why he went now was for the nature walk. Always discovering new trails and new things to photograph. He didn’t like going to the sanctuaries. He’d always hear children laughing or talking loudly, tugging their parents sleeve or shouting their teacher’s name.

It left a bit of an ache in his heart.

“Well,” Momo began, squaring his shoulders, prepared for a bit of criticism. “I thought long and hard about where we could go, seeing as you gave me no indication as to where you'd _like_ to go, and I stumbled on this Nature Reserve site. Maddie was talking about going with her class in a few weeks, and I thought it'd be... nice?”

Ai blinked at him. “Nice?” he began to giggle. “Why'd you say it like that?”

Momo shrugged. “I... I don't know.” he turned into the lane that lead into the reserve. “What do you think?”

Ai tilted his head, fiddling with his camera bag. “I...” he began, rubbing his lips together. “I think you're a mind reader.”

Momo couldn't get him to explain, as he, as the driver, kept getting bombarded by rangers and environmentalists, asking what he was doing here and where he would like to go and what he would be up to that afternoon. Ai watched him stumble out answers, one after the other, none of them making sense, but he supposed it was to get them out of the way. One man in his fifties asked why he'd decided to drive that day.

“You know, a car like that is adding to our Earth's climate.” he said, politely enough, hand atop of the car roof, leaning into the open window.

Momo cleared his throat, not wanting to sound rude, but it came out like that anyway. “It's my only way of transporting two people at once. Unless you're suggesting I ask my date to bike themselves five and a half miles?” he smiled, leaning back in his seat to reveal Ai fiddling with his glasses, not enjoying this confrontation.

The man smiled at Ai. “Well, a healthy way to spend time together in a relationship is exercise. Don't you agree, sir?”

Ai blinked at him, rubbing his hands together. “I mean... I can't ride a bike, so...” he said softly, not looking him in the eye. “And we have a picnic in the back.”

Momo snorted (again, not meaning to be rude). “I'm not carrying him and a picnic on a bike just to save a little bit of carbon monoxide. And anyway, we get enough exercise in the bedroom. Thanks, anyway.” he smiled at him and drove off, sighing deeply. “I hate people like that.”

Ai's face was burning red at the 'in the bedroom' comment, and _now_ he had the image of Momo, all tan, muscular, sweaty and naked in his bed, with his arms wrapped around him, kissing all over his neck and grabbing his ass--

“Ai.” Momo was grinning at him, hand on his cheek. “Are you OK? You're really burning up.”

They were already in a parking space, underneath the shade of a huge oak tree, no cars either side of them, almost as if they were in complete isolation from the outside world. He'd felt like that a lot when he was with Momo. It was a very strange feeling to have.

“Y-Yeah,” he stammered, voice small, trying to get rid of the steamy vision in his head, unable to look him directly in the eye. “W-Why?”

Momo shook his head, pressing the back of his hand against his neck, cold against warm, sending tingles straight through Ai's body, a gasp leaving his lips at his light touch, stomach knotting.

“Sorry! Didn't meant to scare you.” he mumbled, removing his hand, much to Ai's disappointment. “Just checking your temperature... Maddie doesn't like it either – my hands are either too cold or too hot.”

Ai wanted to argue that he _did_ like it – and he suddenly, for some reason, wanted his very cold hands _all over_ him, not just his neck – but he felt that was too weird, even for Momo, so he just shrugged. “It's OK.” he blinked at him then. “So... Wanna go?”

“Yeah! I'm really excited to see it.” he grinned, making Ai want him all over him even more. “Have you been here before?”

It was Ai's turn to smile, big an wide, knocking the wind out of Momo's lungs. “Hundreds of times. Mo, it's my favourite place in the world.” he watched him carefully, blue eyes reading his. “How did you know?”

Momo wanted to stop time and stare into his earnest eyes forever. Cornflower blue that reflected the light in the most delicate way, setting off his pale complexion and making him look like the most innocently beautiful person he'd ever set eyes on. He wanted to stay, in that moment, for as long as he could, but he himself ruined it by saying: “I don't... I didn't... Know.” stammering like an idiot.

Ai touched beneath his chin. Was he pulling him in for another kiss? Was he going to linger longer, so he could really feel his lips, his tongue, the connection between them? Or was he just making it up?

“Of course you didn't.” Ai smiled, doing that _painful_ eye slide from his lips to his eyes again, as if he was teasing him. “It was a coincidence, I suppose.”

He then pulled himself away, once again breaking the tension between them, Momo only just noticing how hard his heart was beating, his once cold hands now clammy with anticipation, left without the gentle touch of his lips he needed so badly.

“Right,” Ai began collecting his bags at his feet. “I'll show you my absolute favourite trail. There's this place where you can sit and watch deer, and if you're _really_ quiet, they'll come so close. I haven't been able to get a good photo yet, but _maybe_ we will today, because it's quite quiet, isn't it?”

All Momo could do was nod. “Yeah... Uh... do you like that I took you here? I mean... you've been here a ton, and I--”

“I love it! And the best thing is I get to show _you_ all my favourite places!” he reached out and took his hand, not really noticing that it was now warm and sweaty, although Momo was painfully aware. “This'll be so great. Come on!”

* * *

 

Ai's favourite trail was very quiet – there was barely anyone there, especially as the car park looked rather busy for a Wednesday afternoon. There were small, decorated bridges over the river, stepping stones in streams, the air damp with the smell of dew and soil, the sun slipping through the cracks of the huge trees that hung over paths and the river banks, giving them a lovely bit of shade. Ai often paused to take photographs of new things he'd found, sometimes stopping Momo of making any more noise with his hand as he spotted a small animal or bird perch close to them on a branch or a rock, creeping ever so slowly and ever so quietly to take a snapshot. Momo didn't mind. He liked watching him, his soft face scrunched up in concentration as he tried to get a good shot, pink tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth, then his face of triumph as he took the perfect one, walking back and showing Momo, asking him which was the best one. There wasn't much hiking involved in this trial, although Momo did take a little bit of a detour from Ai's usual route to climb up a steeper, rockier hill, which lead to the near edge of a cliff, with a better view of a huge part of the forest they were walking through.

Ai breathed the air in deeply as the light wind blew back his hair, eyes closed, smile on his lips, letting the sun warm his skin as he relished in nature. Ai opened one eye to see where Momo had got to, and found he was sat with his legs over the edge of the cliff, hands sat behind him, head back, his own eyes closed, as if he was drinking in the sunshine. Ai found himself crouching, his camera to his face, focusing in on this moment and how wonderful it was. Momo's subtle freckles seemed to glow in the Summer sunshine, his tan skin golden and wild hair almost glowing, a picture perfect moment. He managed to get one, before Momo noticed Ai was being a little quiet, and turned his head, catching him in the act.

“Oi!” Momo grinned as Ai took another photo, who was smiling as wide as he was. “Pervert.”

“What?” Ai laughed, removing the camera from his face. “Just capturing the moment.”

Momo rolled his eyes, sitting forwards and squinting at him through the sun. “You've been doing that all day. Come sit down here.” he brushed his hands, the sand from the rock getting everywhere.

Ai looked at the floor. It was covered in all sorts of dirt. Who knows what could have been up here? Maybe an animal? Like a bear. Bears aren't clean, are they? Though, he didn't know if there even were bears here. Still, he wouldn't let himself risk it. He already felt a little unclean after crouching down in so many places, and he hadn't even touched the floor. He was suppressing the urge to clean his hands well, but he knew he would slip up and something would trigger it. He wanted to do it _right now_ , but he couldn't properly, not whilst Momo was looking at him like he was the most important person in the whole world.

“No, let's keep going. You still haven't seen the waterfall yet!” he tried, desperate to distract him, but Momo wouldn't budge.

“I'm pooped, Aichirou, and I do sports for a living.” he patted the rock beside him, encouraging him – then something hit him.

_He's still sick. OCD. Remember? Idiot._

“Here,” Momo shrugged off his jacket, shook it out, and laid it down beside him. “Now you won't get dusty.”  
Ai blinked at him, this kindly gesture not properly registering. “But, your jacket will get dirty. You don't want a dirty jacket.” he said softly, so shocked he almost wanted to cry.

Momo shrugged, sitting back again. “I don't mind. It's too hot to wear it, anyway.”

Ai trod carefully over to where his jacket was laid out for him. He crouched down, straightened out the sleeves, smoothed out the body and slowly sat down, knees first, then bum, and finally crossing up his legs, careful not to touch the ground, sitting perfectly in the middle. Momo sat forward and moved a little closer, so Ai's knee was touching his thigh. They looked over the forest in a companionable silence, letting the distant sounds of children laughing and birds singing break it up for them. Ai then let his head fall into Momo's shoulder, which was warm and broad, believing now that his safe place seemingly happier now he had someone else to share it with. Momo wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him a little closer, and all Ai could do was relax into him, the warmth of the sunshine and his body bringing a small smile to his face. He closed his eyes, letting himself enjoy the moment.

This was the first time in a long time where he hadn't felt so alone.

“Ai...” Momo began, after a little while. “You haven' really said anything about Maddie.”

Ai fluttered his lashes as he opened his eyes, moving his head from his shoulder and furrowing his brow at him. “Why would I? She's a lovely little girl. You should be proud.”

Momo couldn't help but smile. “I am. But... how do you feel? About me being a dad?” he swung his leg, a little embarrassed. “Aren't you put off by it?”

“What?” Ai shook his head. “Of course not. You're a good dad. It's obvious how much you care about her. You think a good dad would have stayed _that_ long to get her out of the bathroom? Or pick her up from her dance classes just so she can keep doing it? Or look after her for the whole summer? It doesn't matter to me that you _are_ a dad, but it would matter if you were a _good_ dad. And you really are. Maddie is so lucky to have you.”

Momo shrugged, rubbing the back of his head, now embarrassed at all the compliments he was throwing at him. “Thanks, I guess.” he sniffed. “I know I shouldn't tell you this, but that's why I've been alone for a while, I suppose. Many people I dated didn't... they found it... uncomfortable. They 'weren't ready' or it was 'too much pressure', but they just didn't like the fact that I'd been a teen dad. The age old stereotype. Like I was too stupid to put a condom on and I got a poor girl pregnant. And it was my fault. But...” he rubbed his cheek, staring into his lap. “I don't know. I wouldn't have it any other way, really. My daughter will always, _always_ come first. And if people don't like it, they can fuck off, cos I love her more than anything.”

Ai leaned forward and kissed his cheek, pressing his body into his side. “And that's what matters.” he smiled, poking his chest. “So, if you ever need to cancel any date with me for her, I'd understand. I'm not selfish.”

Momo was blushing like mad after his kiss, so soft, sweet and unexpected. “There's gonna be another date?” he smiled, looking down at him.

Ai puffed out his cheeks, making Momo laugh. “Well, I hope so!” he rested his head in his shoulder again. “This has been so nice.”

Momo pressed his lips against his head. “It's not over yet.” he muttered into his hair. “We've still got to see the deer.”

Ai shot upwards, eyes sparkling. “The deer? You want to see them? Yes! OK, come on. Let's go!” he hopped up, picking up Momo's jacket and shaking it free of dust. He didn't want to brush it down, just in case he got some dirt on his hands. Momo took it off him, shrugging it back on and slinging his rucksack on his back, before _taking his hand._

Ai felt sick.

His hands had just been on the ground, then all over his clothes, which could have been dirty before, then he took his hand.

Just like that.

_He's filthy._

No, he's fine. It's just sand.

_He's been touching all sorts of dirt._

It's OK. I won't catch anything.

_What if there's animal shit? He might have put his hand in that._

Well...

_And what if he hadn't washed his hands since this morning? His daughter has flu. Flu germs._

No. He must have.

_And his car! How did you sit in that dirty car? It was covered in dust and stains. You haven't cleaned your hands since then. That's disgusting._

It's normal.

 _No, it's not. It's dirty. You're getting out of control. If you don't wash your hands_ right now _you're gonna get sick. You'll get so sick you'll be in hospital--_

Stop it.

_And you might die. Like Sousuke. All your fault. Like his death, that was your fault too, you weren't in control then, were you? But now you are._

I am.

_Exactly. So clean your damn hands. You're disgusting._

His skin was crawling as his thoughts got the better of him, whole body uncomfortably tight as he felt the dirt seeping into his bloodstream, all the germs he could have picked up from the ground going into his system.

He was going to get sick.

He was going to die.

If he didn't wash his hands in time.

But Momo's grip was firm, and the fact that his hands were clammy only made matters worse. The whole thing was completely disgusting.

His stomach turned, and acid rose in his throat.

He really was sick.

Momo stopped at a public rest area, where there were bathrooms, and a picnic area.

“Finally, I've been waiting for a bathroom. Do you need it?” He asked, smiling down at him, so innocent, so unknowing to the thoughts eating away at the sanity in his head.

“No.” he murmured. Feeling like this and then stepping into his worst nightmare would be panic attack worthy.

Momo furrowed his brow. “Are you OK? You've gone all peaky again.” he pressed his hand against his cheek as he had done earlier, and Ai cringed, turning away. Momo moved his hand away. “What's wrong?”

Ai wanted to scream. Not at him, but at the thing in his head. Why couldn't he hold this man's hand without having these thoughts? Why couldn't he let him touch his face without wanting to throw up? _Why couldn't he piss in a bathroom like a normal god damn person?_

“Nothing.” was all he said, and Momo pursed his lips, but didn't pass comment, _finally_ letting go of his hand and walking towards the bathroom, hands in his jeans pockets.

Ai threw his bag on top of a picnic bench and pulled out his bottle of antibacterial gel, having never felt so relieved as he squeezed the cool liquid into his palm and rubbed it in, washing away all of the germs and dirt. _There_. He thought, cleaning between his fingers. _No more dirt. Happy?_

He _felt_ happier after that. He went back in his bag, in search for his wipes.

Wipes.

_Where were his wipes?_

He always, _always_ carried around a little packet of antibacterial wipes around with him. His face began to itch with the though of the dirt and germs that had been left on there by Momo's hand. Then he remembered kissing Momo's cheek. Why did he _do_ that?

_You're dirty, Aichirou._

He couldn't have forgotten them. He pulled everything, in order, out of his satchel, staring at it all, but there were no wipes in sight. He checked the list he'd written on his phone.

_He'd forgotten to write wipes._

“No. No, no...” he shoved everything back in his bag, starting to rub at his cheek.

He couldn't put the gel on his cheek or lips – last time he did he got a terrible rash. His skin was sensitive on his face. The wipes were usually softer, and it felt nice when they stung, anyway.

It meant they were working.

Ai was still rubbing his cheek when Momo returned, face concerned. “Ai? What's wrong?” he widened his eyes as he began to scratch at his skin, hard and unforgiving. “Hey! Hey, stop that.” He said gently, taking his wrist and pulling his hand away from his face, careful of touching his skin, just in case he flipped out. “What's going on?”

“I need to clean my face.” he whispered, eyes wide and worried.

Momo nodded slowly. “OK. OK, well, you can do it in the bathroom--”  
“No! No, I can't go in there.” he breathed, close to a panic attack, chest rising and falling way too quickly, breaking out in a cold sweat. “You don't understand.”

Momo sat him down slowly on a bench. “I may not, but you've got to calm down.” he let go of his wrist, trusting he wouldn't start scratching like he had done again, and crouching down before him, trying to seem non-threatening. “Now, tell me what I can do to help you.”

Ai shook his head, unable to speak. Momo shrugged off his backpack and started digging around in there, trying to find something that would help him calm down.

Aha. Maddie's baby wipes.

He pulled one out of the packet and handed it to him. “Here. Use this.” he said gently.

Ai took the wet wipe out of his hand and rubbed his cheek and lips with it, his whole body relaxing. It wasn't as nice as the burning, but he knew it was working. He wiped away the cold sweat from his forehead, finally calming as the cold seeped into his skin, before scrunching it up in his hands, feeling the fool. “God, I'm so sorry.” he wheezed, heart still thudding hard in his chest.

Momo shook his head, zipping up his bag again and slinging it on his back. “No. It's OK.” he stood up straight. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

Ai rubbed his lips together, not looking at him. “I think it's pretty obvious.” he whispered, pulling the wipe this way and that, concentrating on that rather than the issue at hand. “Do I have to say it?”

Momo sat down beside him, sighing deeply. “No. I already know.” he leant forwards, elbows on his legs, looking at the floor. “Is it bad?”

“You tell me.” Ai muttered, brushing the wipe over his nose. “You just saw a melt down in which I have at least once a day. It's not fun.”

“No.” Momo chewed his lip, squeezing his hands together. “Are you getting help?”

“Yeah.” Ai murmured, uncomfortable to be even having this conversation. “Every two weeks I go to therapy. I used to do a CBT course. It worked for a little bit but I easily fell back into old ways. Then they put me on SSRI's. I'm still on them now, actually. They do help. I was _a lot_ worse.”

Momo didn't understand all the letters he was throwing at him, but he nodded anyway, not really wanting to ask about them, knowing this was uncomfortable for him. “So... how long...?”

Ai breathed out. “I don't know. Can we stop talking about it?” he said almost all at once, not wanting to ruin what lovely time they had been having with the depressing talk of where his mental illness had started.

Momo nodded, finally looking back at him, smiling sadly. “Just let me know the boundaries, OK? I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable because I overstepped a line.”

Ai nodded, still not looking at him.

“Right,” Momo stood up again, shielding his face with his hand as he looked towards the sun, trying to decide where to go, even though he had no idea. He just wanted to change the subject. “We can go deer watching and go back and eat lunch. I am starving.”

Ai stood too, breathing out. “Momo,” he whispered, fiddling with his glasses, still unable to look him in the eye. “How clean is that bathroom?”

Momo pulled a face, one so comically disgusted it made Ai giggle a little, despite his shaken state. “Not at all, to be honest. But I really needed to go.” he squinted at him through the sun. “Why?”

Ai dug around in his bag to retrieve the bottle of hand sanitizer, handing it to him. “Please.” he winced as Momo rolled his eyes, even though he knew it was playful. “I just... You might catch something.”

“I won't, Aichirou.” he smiled – but he squeezed some into his hand anyway, just to please him for now, grimacing as it slid down his hand. “I hate this stuff.”

Ai didn't comment, just watched him as he cleaned his hands. Now _he_ was safe, too. Safe and sound.

Happy now?  
_Very._

“Here,” Momo handed him the bottle, but Ai shook his head, much to Momo's surprise. “Don't you need it?”

Ai held up another bottle, which he'd packed. “I have two. You keep that one.” he smiled sweetly, tucking the bottle in his back pocket for him, brushing his backside for good measure. It felt lovely.

“Really? Two?” he sighed, taking his hand, which was cool and smooth after being forced under Ai's precious antibacterial gel. “You have an obsession.”

“I believe the title says it all, thank you very much.” he sounded annoyed, sarcasm laced with a little bit of poison. “Obsessive. Compulsive. I am obsessed with the compulsion to clean myself. You get it now?”

Momo rubbed his cheek, feeling awkward. “Sorry.” he murmured, not looking at him. “I didn't really think.”

“It's fine.” he sighed, squeezing his hand. “It will take some getting used to. Right. Deer.”

* * *

 

They didn't see any deer, in the end. They sat there for at least half an hour or so, Ai positioned with his camera ready, the two of them looking out into the clearing of the forest, trying to catch a glimpse – but to no avail. Then Ai mentioned he was a little bit hungry, which made Momo's stomach grumble, so they decided to call it a day. They made it back into the car park by two, and ate Ai's vegetarian lunch by the stream that ran through the main park, where little kids were playing and parents were chatting amongst themselves, as well as many hikers with their maps and photographers dotted about the place with their fancy lenses and tripods and very expensive cameras. Ai noticed Momo was watching one setting up as he sipped from his water bottle, brow furrowed. “What's he doing?”

Ai smiled. “He's being professional. Which I'm not.” he looked back at him. He was still staring. “Why?”

“Well, he looks like a bit of a cock really, with all that fancy equipment hanging off him.” he raised his eyebrows at him. “Do you look like that at professional shoots?”

“Ha!” Ai shook his head, opening a punnet of strawberries. “No. Just me and my camera. That's all I need.” he offered Momo the carton, and he took one. “Maybe I should at least get myself a tripod. That might be useful for some still shots.”

“Mm...” Momo said thoughtfully, biting into the soft fruit. “Oh! These are good.”

“They are? I got them from my sister. She always brings me shopping cos she's afraid I don't eat enough. She's afraid of bloody everything.” he bit into one himself. They were sweet and juicy, like they had been freshly picked. He had washed them before hand, so he didn't have to worry about that too much. “Wow. I'll have to ask where she got them from.”

Momo smiled gently at him, eyes full of adoration. “It must be nice to have a sister who does that, though.”

Ai shrugged, pulling the stalk out of another strawberry. “It's OK sometimes. I buy enough for one. I only eat when I'm hungry, and that's rarely, but she's convinced I'm not getting enough. So,she fills my fridge whenever she's over.” he motioned to the food in the hamper, before realising most of it had gone, much to Momo's doing. “This... _was_ most of it.”

Momo chuckled, moving next to him laying down, hands behind his head. “Good thing my stomach is a bottomless void.” he patted it as if he were proud, palm of his hand thudding against his toned belly. “My daughter's the same. I could give her her dinner and she'd still be able to eat half of mine, too, as well as desert. 'Another annoying trait she's inherited off of her father'. An actual quote from her mother.”

Ai smiled gently, unable to stop himself as he reached down and moved his wild hair from his freckled face. “Do you have a good relationship with her?”

“Gou?” He asked, and Ai nodded, twirling a strand of his hair around his finger. “I guess so. Yeah. I mean, we were friends before, so doing it for Maddie isn't really an effort. Her boyfriend tests my patience, though.”

“I can tell.” he smiled, running his fingers through his hair, moving it away from his forehead, revealing way more freckles than he'd anticipated, and they were as cute as all hell. “I assume Gou is still good looking?”

Momo whistled, closing his eyes, the way Ai was playing with his hair starting to relax him. “Gorgeous. One of those 'you don't know what you got till it's gone' type deals. Maddie has unfortunately inherited my looks, however, so she not only has my appetite, but my nose and eyes too. Poor girl.”

“What?” Ai stroked his pointy nose, Momo beginning to twitch it as he did so. “But you've got a lovely nose.”

Momo opened one eye, giving him a look of disbelief. He tapped the tip of it, grinning at him. “It's cute.” he leaned down and kissed it. “Like you.”

“Gross,” Momo muttered, sitting up on his elbows, so he could see him better. “You're sickly sweet, aren't you?”

Ai nodded, a small smile on his face, picking at another strawberry, which was larger than he expected. “Uh-huh.” he nibbled at the flesh of fruit, fully aware that Momo was watching him do so, which unnerved him a little. “What?”

Momo shrugged as he began to nibble at it again. “You eat weird.” he commented. “Why not bite it?”

Ai shrugged too. “I don't like eating in big bites. I don't know, either, before you ask. Probably tied into the OCD. Maybe.” he tried to take a bigger bite, but his mouth didn't want to open that wide, not for a fruit like that, anyway – it was full of juice, and it could stain. He _was_ wearing a pale grey sweater, and it would take him _so long_ to take the stain out if he did drop some on himself. It would also be embarrassing if he got it on his mouth. He figured Momo would probably tell him, but that would be _even more embarrassing._ So he would rather nibble like a little rabbit than risk stains and embarrassment. “Anyway, I'm not like you. I don't have a black hole for a stomach.”

“Wow,” Momo grinned, nudging him playfully. “Whatever makes you comfortable, I guess.”

After he had finished, he kissed his fingers, which made Momo blush as his cute, pink tongue traced the stains off his fingertips, mind falling into the gutter.

Ai picked out a smaller strawberry and held it by the stalk. “Open.” he demanded, holding it towards Momo.

Breaking out of his spell, he grinned at him. “You're feeding me now? How romantic.” he winked, which made Ai blush like an idiot, hiding behind his hand as he fiddled with his glasses.

Momo leaned forwards and took a bite, eyes on Ai's the whole time, making his whole body flush. Some juice trickled from his lip, and all Ai wanted to do was lick it off for him, despite ever fibre in his being telling him that was _disgusting_ , but Momo wiped it away with the back of his hand before the thought had even registered, smiling at him. “Tastes nicer coming from you.”

“W-want another?” he stammered, unable to think of a good enough answer to that remark.

Momo nodded, smirking at him. Ai didn't know what that facial expression meant when it came from him. When it came from Sousuke, it meant he was about to say the most sarcastic thing on the planet, or Ai had said something so ridiculous whilst sounding so serious he couldn't help but smile. But he didn't know Momo. He didn't know his facial expressions or his motives. So this smirk could mean something different to another smirk? Or he just had one smirk which meant more than one thing? He didn't _know,_ which he found incredibly irritating.

He picked out another and fed it to him, Momo biting more slowly this time, as if he were savouring the moment, and Ai felt his soft lips brush against his fingertips, making his skin tingle. Momo smiled as he moved away, again with juice on his lip, but he didn't notice it this time. Ai watched it for what felt like forever, needing to wipe it off before he went mad.

Momo raised his eyebrow at him. “What's up?” he rubbed the opposite side to where the juice was. “Have I got something on my face?”

Ai blinked at him. “Uh... I'll get it for you.” he said softly, leaning into him and wiping it away with his thumb, hand to his cheek. “Got it.” he whispered, almost inaudibly, staring into Momo's eyes, the deep gold and amber colours, ones that sparkled in the sunshine and looked at him as if he was the only one in the world that mattered.

Before he knew it, he was kissing him. Pink lips soft and supple, sweet with strawberry flesh. Momo pulled him in a little closer, deepening their kiss, driving Ai's heart into a frenzy, the both of them the colour of the berries themselves, butterflies in their stomachs as their lips parted, tongues tasting the tangy juice left behind. Momo pulled away eventually, knowing if they kept on as they were he would not stop. They paused a few inches away from each others faces for a few moments, hesitating as to whether they should kiss again or pull away completely, the power between them stronger than either thought, tingling tongues and electric lips anticipating the next move.

“Thanks.” Momo spoke first, pulling away, looking him in the eye. “About getting the juice.”

Ai smiled, shrugging his shoulders. “It's OK.” he bit down on his thumbnail, avoiding his eye. “Was... was that OK?”

Momo raised an eyebrow at him. “What was?”

“Me... Kissing you.” Ai said softly, beginning to wring his hands, suddenly very nervous for no reason at all. “I didn't ask.”

He began to laugh. “Of course it was!” he sat up, winding an arm around his waist. “You don't have to ask me.”

Ai smiled shyly, rubbing his cheek. “OK.” he looked across at him, their faces once again very close to each others. “Where do you want to go now?”

Momo shook his head. “No idea. You know this place more than me.”

Ai rubbed his lips with his fingertip, thinking about it. “We could go see some animals.” he suggested, smiling up at him. “They have all sorts here.”

“Sure,” he moved his arm from around his waist and stretched his arms over his head, before hopping up and looking over the main park. “Is it that big building after the car park? I wondered what that was.”  
“Well,” Ai began, cleaning his hands whilst Momo was distracted, not wanting him to think it was because he made him feel uncomfortable. He wanted to clean his mouth too, but he couldn't without asking him for the wipes, and that might make Momo feel that he didn't like him kissing him. “I took my Kindergarten classes here for summer trips. So, all the school kids meet there. It's sort of an education centre. They do keep some of the animals there, though, like farm animals. They do a class on how to take care of them and things. It should be open to the public today, though. I haven't seen any school buses around.”

Momo shielded his eyes from the sun, trying to look directly at it. “Did they like it here?”

Ai nodded, packing all of the trash into the hamper and folding the blanket after shaking it out. He did _not_ like using public trash cans. “Yes! Of course they did. All kids love nature. People seem to forget that, now they can use all that tech, they don't need to be entertained in any other way. Which is very untrue! All children want the chance to explore the world around them, but many parents won't let them. They're afraid of what will happen if they do.” he stood with his hamper, smiling at Momo, who had been watching him explain this to him. “Do you let Maddie explore?”

“Well,” Momo avoided eye contact, shrugging his shoulders. “It depends.”  
“Depends?” Ai pressed, widening his eyes at him. “On what? As long as you're with her, what's the worst that could happen?”

Momo shook his head. “I don't know, a lot of things! You turn your back on them for one minute and they're gone! You get all those horror stories of kids being abducted. Or what if she falls and hurts herself? How do you think I'm going to explain _that_ to her mother?”

“Hey, hey. Maddie is a very bright girl, but she's also full of energy. I know she goes dancing but that's not good enough! If you want to really wear her out you should be teaching her all sorts of things! You're a sports coach, teach her soccer, or swimming! I'm sure she would love it.” he smiled, genuinely trying to give him some guidance, but it's seems that he took offence.

“Are you saying I don't do enough with my daughter? Like I don't already. I would _love_ to do all of these things with her, you have no idea, but I don't have time. I have a full time job, Gou has a full time job. Maddie may feel left out but we can't help it.” he rubbed his forehead, sighing irritably. “Sorry. I didn't mean to snap.”

Ai shook his head, patting his back delicately. “It's OK. I can't help myself, I go into teacher mode whenever you ask about it. I'll keep my mouth shut next time.”

“No, it's not that. It's like... you know exactly how to care for kids, and I feel like I don't know shit.” he sighed again, looking back at him. “It's hard.”

“I know.” he smiled sadly. “Sometimes you just don't know if you're doing the right thing, but you are. She's a happy, friendly, sweet little girl. Like I said, you should be proud. Be proud!”

Momo grinned, rubbing his face, almost sleepily. “I am, I swear, Aichirou.” he sniffed. “I think we should go back. I'm so tired.”

“Sure.” Ai bit down on his lip, feeling only a little awkward after that confrontation. “You could come back to mine, if you want? See how Jet's doing?”

Momo wound an arm around his waist as they started to walk back to his car. “Yes. I would love to.”

* * *

 

Jet was way less frightened than Momo thought he would be. He seemed to have settled down in Ai's neat little house, with the abundance of cats and the odd visitor. He pushed his head around Ai's ankles as soon as he came into his lounge, making him coo and lift him off his tiny paws. “Hey, honey, did you miss me?” he babied, kissing his soft little head and stroking his lovely long fur. “Guess whose come to see you?”

Momo went to stroke Jet on the head, but he wriggled away, jumping out of Ai's arms and scuttling upstairs. Ai let his arms fall, defeated. “Well, that was a bit rude.” he muttered, carrying his hamper into the kitchen.

Momo followed suit, unsure as to whether to take a seat in his lounge or anything, really. He felt he should await further instruction before he intruded all over his safe place once again. There was a cat he'd never seen before, sat on the floor by the cat flap, eating out of a cat food bowl, and Ai didn't seem to notice it, or he did, and didn't bother shooing it away. It was skinny and white, with a pink collar around its neck, a pink bow at the back.

“Who...” Momo pointed behind Ai, and he turned around, smiling at it.

“Oh, that's Belle. She lives in the house behind this one.” he gingerly dropped a few things into the trash. “They have a strict diet for her, because she does beauty contests, so she comes over to eat sometimes. Mind you, not when Princess is here, so she must be out.”

Momo didn't know how he had all of these animal's personalities down to a T, as if he could speak to them like they were real people. He supposed if the cats _were_ real people, they would be way more sophisticated than his damn dogs. Marmalade would be a fat, rich old lady who went to Opera Houses, Princess would be a daddy's girl, spending all his money on designer clothes and driving a pink Lamborghini, and Belle, the neighbours cat, would be a pretty supermodel, with long white hair and weird, yet fashionable, clothes. Princess would be jealous of Belle because she's a model, and Marmalade would probably hit them both with her purse and tell them not to be silly girls. If his dogs were real people, however, Sundae would be a comic book nerd who sweats a lot, and Toffee would be a dumb fuckboy who probably asks Princess and Belle for nudes and plays them off against each other. As he was thinking this, Ai had cleared away the picnic and was just washing his hands, properly, as they do in hospitals, with antibacterial soap. Momo broke out of his daydream as he heard the cat flap snap shut. Belle had darted out because Princess had just walked in, black tail in the air, whiskers twitching. Momo's eyes slid to the sink. Ai was picking at his nails that didn't have a lot to them anyway, which had begun to bleed.

“Ai,” he said gently, standing beside him and putting a hand on his back, making him jump. He didn't even know he was doing it. “You're bleeding.”

“God,” Ai pulled his hands out from the running water and stared at his fingernails. The ones on his right were bleeding, not heavily, but enough to make him shocked at his actions. “Dammit.”

Momo switched off the tap for him. “Sit down, I'll get you something to blot it.” he said gently, already reaching for the kitchen towel.  
“It's fine.” he said softly, taking a seat at his kitchen table and staring at his bleeding hand. “It happens.”  
“A lot?” Momo asked, conscious that Ai wouldn't let him touch him without cleaning his hands, so he washed them quickly, enough to pass them off as clean, and sat beside him with the kitchen towel.

Ai shrugged, letting him take his hand and clean up the blood for him. “It depends.” he whispered, feeling a shiver go up his spine as Momo pressed into his fingertips.

“On what?” he said softly, taking his hand properly and watching his eyes.

Ai broke eye contact, hating that he cared so much. “I don't know. I don't want to talk about it.” he whispered, clenching his free hand in his lap. “You wouldn't understand it.”

“Maybe not,” Momo sighed, looking back at his hand, which had stopped bleeding for the most part. “But I want to understand you.”

He pulled his hand away, standing quickly and bunching his hands into fists, even though it hurt. “I don't want to talk about it.” he said firmly.

“OK.” Momo said gently, standing too and going to squeeze his shoulder, but, sensing his hostility, let his hand drop. “I'm sorry. Would you like me to make you some tea?”

“I'll do it.” Ai sniffed, not used to all of this genuine care or consideration, not any more. His family were pushy and didn't understand his boundaries. So why, why, did Momo understand? They've known each other no more than three days, so why does he understand more than his whole damn family? “Would you like some?”

“Yes, please. I've just got to check on my dogs.” he couldn't help but press a kiss against his forehead.

Ai blinked, the uncomfortable feeling of an odd number suddenly a sensation on his skin. He didn't know why this effected him _now,_ he thought he'd gotten past his fear of odd numbers of things. He used to buy things in twos, and if they came in twos he had to buy them in fours, and so on. This used to get him in trouble with his Mom – he once went shopping for her, and ended up buying one hundred and forty bags of chips because they came in packs of thirty five. She didn't let him go shopping for her again, not until he'd gotten over his odd number fear.

“Do that again.” Ai found himself saying.

Momo raised an eyebrow, smiling at him. “Sure?” he pressed another kiss on his forehead, and Ai relaxed. “OK?”

“Yeah.” Ai nodded, smiling at him. “It was an odd number.”

“I see.” Momo nodded slowly. “So only an even number of kisses?”

“Well, you don't _have_ to--”

Momo kissed both cheeks twice, which shut him up, skin burning beneath where his lips had pressed. “OK? See you in a minute.”

* * *

 

Ai was sat at his monitor, uploading the pictures he'd taken that day to his computer, deciding whether to post them on his website or not. He hadn't touched it for a month or so, mainly because he'd not been out to _take_ photos. But now he had new material. He opened up his website and started picking out his favourite ones, deciding on which people would be more interested in, when he stumbled on the ones he'd taken of Momo that day. There were the ones on the cliff, which were his favourites, then there was one of him leaning over one of the bridges, the light breeze brushing his hair away from his forehead, looking into the river water, a dreamy look on his face. He sat his head in his hand, staring at it.

What was it about him?

What made him so special?

He's a good dad, he's a good friend, he's a good teacher.

He's a good kisser.

Was it because he was everything Ai had imagined he was?

Was it because he wanted to care? Because he wanted to understand? Because he wanted to listen?

Maybe. But there was something about him that Ai was so attracted to and he didn't know _what_ it was.

Maybe he had annoying habits he didn't know about yet.

Maybe he had a terrible taste in music.

Maybe he cried at _Marley and Me_ every time he sees it.

Maybe he's awful at spelling.

Maybe he sings in the shower.

Maybe he was a bad cook.

He knew barely anything about him, but he was so intrigued by everything he _was_ that he was willing to find out everything he could.

He didn't want to upload the photos of him without his permission, so he kept them in a draft post, waiting for him to return.

He heard thudding upstairs, and a pattering of feet running down stairs. Jet appeared in the lounge, mewing quietly at him.

“Hey there, little kitty!” Ai greeted, patting his lap, which he jumped into, nuzzling into his stomach. “Why'd you run off, huh?”

He lifted him off his paws, holding him to his chest so he could look into his lovely blue eyes. “That was very rude of you. Momo was the one who found you, remember?” he scratched behind his ear as he began to purr. “Don't you like him?”

Jet mewed in response, and shook his head free of Ai's tickling hands, making him giggle. “I'll take that as a no.” he sighed, rubbing his snub black nose. “Why not? Is he too loud? Because he is. Very loud.”

Jet wasn't exactly one for conversation, but he blinked slowly at Ai, watching his eyes as he did. As if he was trying to tell him something.

“Well, you should _try_ and be nice. He did find you, after all.” he nuzzled his head. “I wish I could keep you, if your family doesn't turn up. But I don't have any room for another cat. Noodles is a cat just like you, but you have different eyes. I've never seen a cat with eyes like yours before. They're kind of like...”

He stopped himself, staring at the kitten in his hands. It blinked again.

“You're not, are you?” he whispered, blinking at him.

He mewed quietly. Ai shook his head. “Come on, Ai, pull yourself together.” he sighed, setting him back in his lap. “Of all things, if he could come back, why a cat? He didn't even like cats that much.”

Jet pushed his head against his hand, mewing again, as if he was trying to confirm his thoughts. “He's not your bloody husband, Ai. Don't be silly.” he nibbled his lip. “Is that why you don't like Momo?”

Jet didn't reply.

“Huh.” he lifted him up again, looking him dead in the eye. “If you are who I think you are, give me a sign. Anything.”

Jet wiggled free, not liking the way he was looking at him, and landed on his keyboard, making all sorts of sounds come out of his computer.

“Jet!” Ai picked him up and set him beside the monitor. “God. I'm going nuts. Well.” he looked at Jet, who was sat up, staring at him. “Don't you look at me like that, Mister.”

He started playing with a pen instead. Ai sighed deeply. What the Hell was he thinking? This damn cat was his dead husband reincarnated? What next, Marmalade was his bloody grandmother? He picked up his phone, checking if he had any messages. There was one.

 

 **Violet xo:** Hey! Just wondering if you're free tomorrow?xxxx

 **Lil' bro:** Hey, yeah, I guess, why?xxxx

 **Violet xo:** It's Heather's prom tomorrow and she wants you to take photos. Would you? She would love it xxxx

 **Lil' bro:** Oh, my God, of course I will! Does she have a date, or is she with friends?xxxx

 **Violet xo:** well, I don't know. She's kind of keeping it a secret from me. She said she was going to pick up someone and bring them here so they could get ready here. Xxxx

 **Lil' bro:** oooooo, exciting!!! does she have a special someone she's not telling you about?xxxx

 **Violet xo:** well, it wouldn't surprise me. She tells me nothing! We'll have to wait and see. I'll tell her then. Thank you, much love!xxxx

 

Ai was grinning from ear to ear. He loved his niece more than anyone in the world. He was eight when she was born, so he doesn't remember her much when she was a baby, but he always used to pick her up from pre-school and kindergarten when he was old enough to take care of her, and taught her how to read and write when she was struggling in school. This was when he realised he wanted to go into teaching. Seeing her face when she finally spelt 'Heather' all by herself in big, wobbly letters in pencil was the most pure, innocent excitement he'd seen, and he wanted to bring that look to more children's faces, class after class, generation after generation.

He knew it was what he wanted to do.

But he never got the confidence to return.

A knock on his door pulled him away from his daydreams of teaching, and he went to answer it, which revealed Momo wearing a coat and holding something behind his back. It was getting dark outside already.

How long had he been daydreaming?

“Um?” Ai began, blinking at him. “Why are you wearing--”  
“I just took the dogs for a quick walk, cos they were a bit restless, and I got you something.” Momo was a little breathless, his cheeks flushed, eyes shining in excitement.

“What is it?” Ai found himself smiling at this.

Momo shoved a small bouquet of flowers under his nose, a bit flustered, which consisted of pure white carnations, white daisies and blue asters. Ai took them from him, unsure on how to respond.

“I...” he stared at them, not having had anything like this in what felt like an eternity. A surprise gift, for him!

Flowers! For him!

For him!

His brain decided that the perfect way to respond to a simple surprise such as this one, was to burst into tears.

“Oh, God, Ai, I didn't mean--”  
“They're beautiful!” he wept, wiping his eyes with his sweater sleeve, knocking his glasses out of place. “Where did you get them?”

“Oh, I just walked the dogs into town and back, and I stopped at the florists. I thought you would like some.” he smiled sadly as Ai sniffed, tweaking the flowers. “Just a little something, you know.”

“God, you're so sweet.” he twitched his head. “Come in! Gosh. I better make you your tea.”

Momo watched as Ai rearranged the flowers in a small vase on his coffee table, his artistic eye trying to find the best arrangement for them. “I love them.” he smiled up at him. “Thank you.”

“No prob.” he sat with his head in his hand, watching his small hands twitch and fiddle. They were cracked, and where his nails had been bleeding had started to scab. “Can I try something on your hands?”

Ai looked down at them, which were quite red still, then back up at Momo, brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I have some weird cream for my eczema, and I thought it would work with your hands, cos I don't think normal hand cream would fix the damage.”

“You have eczema?” Ai was more interested in this new found knowledge than the cream. “For how long?”  
“All my life. It's not as bad now, but it's still on my arms and chest. It used to be on my face, but I grew out of that.” he pulled the pot out of his pocket, and patted the seat beside him. “I'll put some on for you.”

Ai, a little sceptical, perched on the seat, their knees touching. Momo opened the pot to reveal thick, white cream. “It's not eczema specific, is it?” Ai asked, before he could put it on his skin.

“Nah, course not. None of that worked for me. This stuff is nice though. Stops it hurting.” he took Ai's right hand and started rubbing the cream in, cooling his stinging skin. “How does that feel?”

“Nice.” he said softly, relaxing as Momo began to massage the back of his hand, his chapped skin appreciating his care. “You care so much for so many people, you know.”

Momo shook his head. “No. Only the ones who deserve it.”

They stayed silent as Momo rubbed the cream in, Ai watching his large hands work gently over his poor skin, the cream having a lovely effect on the pain, soothing it into non-existence. He raised his eyes, watching his lovely face as it concentrated on the task at hand, face soft, lips slightly parted. Ai jerked his hand away as he pressed a little too hard on the cuts near his fingernails, wincing.

“Sorry!” Momo breathed, taking his left hand instead. “I didn't mean to hurt you.”  
“It's OK.” Ai whispered, scrunching up his right hand into a fist. It felt nice and soft, for the first time in a while, but his fingertips still hurt.

Once he was finished, Momo patted them both and smiled. “There. Soft as a newborn. Maybe even softer.” he screwed the lid of the cream back on. “You can keep this if you want. I have a few at home.”

Ai shook his head. “No, I couldn't.” he rubbed his hands together, and he almost slipped, which made him blush, having almost hit Momo on the thigh. “Anyway, even if I did have it, I'd like you to do it for me. It's nice.”

Momo chuckled, leaving the cream on the table. “I'll leave it here. Whenever I'm here I'll do it for you.” he leaned into him, pressing two kisses on his lips. “Which I hope will be soon.”

The kisses bought a lovely smile to his face, cheeks turning pink. “You practically live here already.”

“True.” Momo grinned, making Ai's stomach knot.

He glanced over at the computer, which was still on his website, the draft post on view. “Are those the pictures you took today?”

Ai nodded, standing and going to sit at his monitor, Momo following suit, looking over his shoulder. “Wow. You really are incredible.” he noticed his name on the screen. “Is this your website?”

“Yeah.” Ai said almost dismissively. “Can I post these pictures of you?”  
Momo shrugged. “Go for it. If you really think I'm worthy for your website.” he watched him click away, and suddenly Momo was all over his homepage. “Damn. Just like that.”

“Just like that!” Ai repeated, closing down his computer and smiling up at him. “You can start your modelling portfolio now.”

“Ha,” Momo shook his head, not looking him in the eye. “Like that would happen.”  
Ai furrowed his brow at him, not happy with his reprimands. “You really don't like how you look, do you?”

Momo laughed, a nervous edge to it. “Where did that come from?”

“Today you said Maddie was unfortunate for inheriting your looks. And you called yourself annoying. And you avoided all the photos I tried to take of you, the full profile ones, at least. Why don't you like how you look?” Ai's face softened. “Are you embarrassed of something?”

Momo breathed in deeply, standing upright and rubbing the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable with the bold statement just thrown at him. “I mean... It's not... That, exactly.” he sighed, trying to thing of the right wording. “I've never... It's not... I don't... _not_ like how I look?”  
“What do you mean?”  
He paused for a moment, staring at the floor, which was spotless, not a dust speck in sight. “I guess I've always been insecure because my family is obsessed with looks. I mean... My mother was a pageant girl, which turned her into a pageant mom, which turned my sister into a pageant girl, who is now currently a pageant queen and is auditioning for Miss. USA this year. I don't know why. My brother... he's a body builder, like my dad. So they're both obsessed with how their bodies look, too. Then there was me. I have freckles and all my life I had horrible eczema on my face, which was made worse when I got acne during puberty. Fuck, that was so painful. It was like, yikes. Who is this very red, very ginger child that this glamorous family had produced? My dad tried to get me into all this body building stuff but I just liked doing sports. That's what I excelled in, and it doesn't matter what you look like, does it? Then, my face cleared up after a load of drugs and suddenly I was attractive, but that didn't last as I got Gou fucking pregnant. God.” he ran his hands down his face, groaning loudly. “I can't give myself a break.”

“Mo, I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me that,” Ai said gently, reaching up and patting his arm. “And I can tell you now that you have nothing to worry about, because I think you're incredibly handsome.”

“Come on,” Momo dropped his hands, letting him take one in his. “You didn't see me when I was thirteen. It was _bad_.”

Ai shrugged. “Maybe it was. But that doesn't matter. You're a lovely person and whether you are very red and very ginger I will still like you.”

Momo laughed out loud, running a hand down his face. “Wow, thanks, Ai. You know how to make a man feel special.”  
“I know I do!” Ai stood from his seat, taking his face by his cheeks and making him look him in the eye. “ _You_ cannot be afraid of how you look any more, OK?”  
“I don't think it's as easy as that.”

“Well, no, it's not, but please know that your looks don't define who you are.” he watched his wild, golden eyes carefully. “OK?”

“All right.” Momo chuckled, taking his hands and moving them from his face. “You've got to me.”

“Good.” Ai kissed his lips gently – then paused, cocking his head. “Do you want me to kiss you twice, too?”

Momo shrugged, smiling at his odd little questions. “Whatever makes you comfortable.”

So he did. Twice, and one extra for good measure, just to make it to four, and Momo's smile spread after every one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaa okay i have to include the flower meanings cos when i was writing it i was screaming a little on the inside COS ITS SO FRIGGIN CUTE  
> white carnations: innocence, pure love  
> white daisies: innocence, new beginnings, true love  
> asters: patience, elegance, symbol of love  
> i love my shitty flower meanings......... i am a flower nerd......... also love shown through flowers is the most adorable thing  
> anyway ill stop being a flower nerd and go eat a plant  
> kudos and comments are appreciated!!  
> tysm for reading!!  
> follow my tumblr for more flower facts (i'm lying i only shitpost): mettatrash


	4. Thursday - Tonight or never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gou lowered her eyes. “If not today...” she breathed, fiddling with his shirt. “It'll be never, you know?”  
> Momo chuckled, as if she'd told a joke. “How do you know?”  
> She sat back, looking him in the eye. “Because I know you. I know...” she sighed, taking hold of his hands. “I know how quickly you fall for someone, and I know that you are already ready to do that with Ai. It's all over your face, Momo. You're in love with him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S LITERALLY 3AM RIGHT NOW AND I KIND OF WENT ON A MAD SPREE AND WROTE THIS IN LIKE TEN HOURS. I WISH I WAS JOKING. I ALSO WISH I COULD THINK STRAIGHT.  
> Anyways, I know i said i would upload a new chapter June, however, I have moved house like................. 93 miles away from where i used to live so its been a hard and stressful month for me. BUT. BUT. I am back. I am here. Hello.  
> So, please enjoy this chapter! ((Apologising pre - final edit for any spelling/grammar errors.))

**Thursday**

 

“Hey kiddo!”

“All right, dad?” Momo sighed, taking a seat in his car and leaning against the steering wheel. “What's up?”

“Well, I was just wondering if Maddie was coming again today. I didn't see her yesterday and I have the day off.”

Momo rubbed his forehead, grunting in frustration. “Uh, I don't know, dad. It's a bit early, isn't it?” he squinted at the clock on his dashboard. It was only seven in the morning, and he had an eight AM start at the leisure centre. He was starting a six week course with parents and their new babies, teaching them how to swim so they can keep themselves safe. Eight AM was the early birds course for parents who work, and twelve thirty were for the stay at home parent's. He'd trained to coach babies before, and even practised with Maddie when she was about six months old, and she adored it.

“Well, you know me.” he chuckled, and Momo couldn't help but think that he wished he didn't, sometimes.

“Mom should know.” he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “Uh... Dad?”

“Yeah, son?”

Momo rubbed his lips together, looking at his feet. Should he tell him? About Ai? He didn't know he was that way inclined. Nobody did, really. Everyone just assumes, because he has a daughter, he's straight. He's a loving father. Loving father's aren't gay, they love their wives or their girlfriends. He flirts with women all the time, he dates women all the time, _he isn't gay_. At least, that's what outsiders must assume.

“Um...” he bit down on this thumb nail, even though there was nothing there to bite on. “What if I told you I was dating again?”

He sounded happy enough. “Well! That's great! Who's the lucky lady?”  
As soon as he'd said that, Ai stepped outside, wearing a too big t-shirt, pyjama shorts and glasses he'd never seen before, carrying a book and a mug, like he had done on Tuesday afternoon, and sat down on his doorstep, drinking in the early morning sun. He'd never seen him do that before. Momo found himself smiling. A break in his routine.

“Well, I...” he began, still watching him, unable to tear his eyes away from how beautiful he looked, even when half-asleep in his pyjamas, hair all tousled and thick framed glasses sitting on the end of his nose. “It's not a lady.”

“Ha!” his father replied, rather rudely. “You're joking, right?”

“No, Dad, I'm not.” Momo muttered, heart leaping in his throat as Ai raised his head, taking a sip from his mug. “Why would I? I'm dating a guy. His name is Ai.”

There was a little bit of silence at the end of the line. Ai seemed to glance his way subconsciously, and took a second look when he spotted him in the car. He waved, shy smile on his face, one that made Momo's chest ache with all sorts of feelings he couldn't properly explain. He raised his hand in return, smiling back.

“Right.” his father eventually said, obviously confused. “So... you don't like women any more?”  
“Dad,” Momo sighed, massaging his brow. “I do, I just--”

“But you're dating men. I thought you, you know, wanted a girlfriend?”  
“But I--”

“What about Madison? Wouldn't this confuse her?”

“I don't think--”

“And Gou? What has she said about this?”  
“She's--”  
“What will your mother say? Your brother, your sister? Have you told them?”  
“For Gods sake, Dad, let me speak!” Momo eventually snapped, slamming his hand down on the steering wheel. “You never listen to me!”

“Of course I do, you're telling me you're going out with a man! You've never shown interest in men before, so why now? You're not even gay!”  
Momo looked back at Ai, who was now petting Marmalade, her fat body pushing against his legs. “It's... It's different, Dad. He's different.” he said softly. “I've never felt like this about... anyone.”

“You just haven't found the right girl yet--”  
“Oh, for fucks sake, give it a rest. Why can't you just accept I may love a man? Why is that so hard to comprehend?” he sighed irritably. “Sorry, I didn't mean to swear.”

“It's just because you haven't seen anyone in a while, it's probably just a phase--”  
“Dad, I'm twenty-three years old and you're telling me my crush on a guy is a phase.”

“It's not right! You're not gay!”

“I'm _not_ gay!” Momo yelled, suddenly very angry with the bitter old man on the other end of the line. “Ever heard of being bisexual?”  
“They all pick a side eventually! You'll just end up with a woman. You know you will.” his father replied, cynical and judgemental.

“Oh, for Gods sake, why'd I even bother telling you?” he snapped, and he cut off the call, throwing his phone into the passenger seat and pressing his head against the steering wheel.

He wanted to scream. He really wanted to tear up his car and scream the whole thing down. His morning started off great. He woke up from a lovely dream, one in which Ai starred in again, but he couldn't really remember it, and this had put him in a good mood. He was also very excited to meet the parents and the babies he would be teaching for the next few weeks, too. He was ready for a great day, having not felt so good in such a long time. The date he'd had with Ai the day before had set him up for a good mood for about a week, let alone a morning, but every conversation he has with his dad, _ever,_ always fucks him up, and today was most certainly no exception.

There was a knock on his window. Momo raised his head, and saw Ai standing beside the car, arms wound around himself, smiling sadly at him.

Momo sighed, rolling his window down. “Hey.”

“Is everything OK?” Ai said gently, eyebrows knitted in concern. “Who were you talking too?”

Momo shrugged, scratching the back of his head. “No one important.” he raised his eyebrows at Ai's unconvinced look. “Really.”

“Hmm.” Ai fiddled with his glasses, a little self conscious to the fact that he was seeing him in his milk bottle lenses, ones that usually never saw the light of day unless he had a migraine or he was spending longer than an hour on his PC, and both were occurring that day. “It didn't look like it.”

It was then Momo realised that he probably witnessed the whole charade with his father through his windows. Now embarrassed, he shook his head, rubbing his cheek. “No... honestly, it's fine.” he smiled half-heartedly at him. “It's unusual to see you out here this early.”

“I thought I'd break up routine a little. Change is good.” he smiled brightly at him, almost as bright as the sun itself. “I'm going in now, though. I'm going to make some tea, would you like to come in for some? Give yourself a chance to gather your thoughts.”

Momo would never be able to gather his thoughts if he were anywhere near Ai. He would drop them all over the floor and any attempt at picking them up would lead to him scattering them further, all because he said something cute or did something cute or he just sat there minding his own business and _looked cute._ There would never be a time where Ai wasn't cute, he wouldn't believe it. Although the invitation was _ever so_ tempting, the thought of sipping tea in his cosy lounge, watching Ai read in his pyjamas as the sun poked through his blinds one he wanted to be a part of, he shook his head reluctantly, sighing deeply. “Sorry. I've got to be at work by half seven. I finish at two, though, we could meet up for coffee or something, if you wanted.”

Ai didn't know why Momo wanted to invite him out again after what had happened yesterday. He's used to people being way more cautious after something of that extreme happening. He once took his niece and nephew out on his own for the first time after being out of hospital. Heather was fifteen, and his nephew, Aaron, was thirteen, so they were able to take care of themselves anyway. Ai was more of a chaperone, driving them out, buying them lunch, the usual things an uncle would do, and he was doing fine, until Aaron tripped up in the parking lot and ended up with a cut in his knee, which caused him to have an absolute melt down. Heather ended up calling her mother to come and pick them up because Ai was too hysterical about how there could be an infection in Aaron's cut to focus on anything else. Violet never let him out with her kids on their own again. So, to be invited out for a second time after a break down like he'd had was strange to him, to say the least. “Uh...” Ai rubbed his bottom lip. “OK. In town?”

“Sure,” Momo shrugged, leaning back in his seat. “I'll meet you by the leisure centre. Two fifteen?”  
“Yeah. Uh, I have to be at my sisters by four thirty, cos my niece wants me to take her prom pictures.” Ai couldn't help but beam proudly at this, hugging himself tight.

“Oh! That's fine.” Momo grinned at him. “See you then.”

Ai nodded, blushing a little at his smile. “Yeah.” he didn't know why, but he did it anyway – he bent down and kissed Momo's lips softly, and as he was about to pull away, Momo brushed beneath his chin, bringing him in for a second kiss.

“Even kisses.” Momo whispered with a smile, and Ai couldn't help but giggle. “OK, I really have to go.”

“Right.” Ai stood back as he started up his car. “See you later.”

Momo stuck his tongue out, driving off with a wave of his hand. Ai watched him go, hugging himself tight, a small smile on his face.

He remembered the dumbest thing he'd asked him to do. He remembered the stupid even number thing. Ai brushed his fingers over his lips, heart swelling. They tingled all over, trembling a little in anticipation of more to come. Ai didn't know if there was _,_ but he was sure as hell ready for it.

* * *

 

The whole day for the two of them was a matter of counting down the hours, and especially since it was an early start to the morning, the waiting for another glimpse of each other seemed longer than it really was, the day dragging further, and further. Ai sat at his computer, replying to e-mails about his recent posts on his website, fighting off his migraine with cups of chamomile tea and all sorts of painkillers, eventually getting out a cooling strip and having a nap with that on his forehead after a few hours of work, laying on the sofa with Noodles curled up on his stomach. Meanwhile, Momo was supporting parents in their determination to teach their children to swim. His first class was quite small, so it was just him in the morning. Five babies, two fathers and three mothers. They all stood awkwardly in the shallow end with their babies in fat armbands, swimming caps and pretty swimsuits or cute trunks, and Momo grinned at their worried faces in the most charming way he could muster. It seemed after only a few minutes of talking about the classes, his excitable nature and joyful voice seemed to rub off on the parents, and they finally relaxed. Momo then spent forty minutes in the warm pool with them all, guiding hands and reassuring concerned mothers about letting their babies go. One father seemed to be having a hard time with it all.

“Need any help?” Momo asked him, gliding through the water and smiling encouragingly at him. “I know how hard it is to let her go, but she knows what she's doing! Look at her little legs go!”

His daughter, whose name was Daisy, was wading in the water with her father's guidance, her arms waving around in her little purple armbands, smiling right at Momo. He chucked her under the chin, making her squeal in delight. “Ah. She's a sweetie, isn't she?”

“Yeah,” he smiled at Momo. “You got a daughter?”

Momo chuckled. “Yeah! She's six now, my Maddie.” he noticed he was still holding her to his side. “You're not very confident about this, are you?”

Daisy's father shook his head, which Momo smiled at. “No prob. It all comes with time. But she wants to go!” he looked back at him. “Would you trust me to take her for a little swim? Just around the shallow end?”

“Uh...” he looked down at his daughter, who was properly kicking her legs now, raring to go. “Go on, then. Show me how it's done.”

Momo nodded his head once, then took Daisy's tiny hands as her father let her go. She was off as soon as Momo began walking backwards, legs propelling her forwards, face an image of pure delight. “Yeah, that's it! Good girl!” Momo praised, never taking her eyes off her. “Look at you go! Like a little fish!”

Daisy giggled at his admirations, tiny fingers clinging to his big ones as she worked her way around the shallow end of the pool. She was returned to her father safely, Momo nodding at him once again. “There! Now you try!” he grinned. “Here, hold her how I did, and just walk once around the group, see how you feel.”

As he did this, Momo assisted the rest of the group, tilting up a little boy who kept sinking as his mother tried to get him to float so he could kick, and gently encouraging another mother to let go of one hand, as her daughter was already making circular motions with her arms to keep her afloat. Momo then turned back to the father, but he was now grinning as he guided his baby around the pool, pride shining in his eyes. Momo couldn't help but feel chuffed. The class ended at quarter to nine, Momo finishing the hour with a round of applause, praising babies and parents alike. As he was setting up the main pool for the elementary school lessons along with another colleague, Daisy's father came out to greet him.

“I just want to say thank you, for today.” he smiled, holding Daisy on his hip as she played with his long hair. “You taught me a lot.”  
“Hey, no prob!” he grinned, reaching out and tweaking Daisy's chubby cheek, who gave him a lovely smile. “Daisy most certainly enjoyed it! Are you coming back next week?”

“Um, not me, my partner. I only did it today cos I had time off work.” he sighed, patting Daisy's back. “Sorry about that.”  
Momo shrugged, shaking his head. “You can't help being busy! I'm sure Daisy will have as much fun with her mummy as she did with her daddy, yeah?” he smiled at her, tapping her dainty little nose, making her giggle.

“I'm sure. Anyway, thanks again.” he nodded – before holding out his hand, inviting him to shake it.

Momo had never been thanked with a handshake before. He didn't know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, but he felt some sort of pride as he took the man's hand and shook it firmly, giving him one of his winning smiles. “No prob.”

The elementary class went by in a breeze, all of the kids he'd been teaching for a while needing no real guidance any more. He could give them a task and a time limit and off they'd go, looking as if they were having the time of their lives. Next year he would be teaching Maddie's class, and, even though he _wanted_ to, he would do his best not to embarrass her, especially since she seems to be so popular in her little class of sixteen. That lesson ended at half ten, and he had half an hours break before he had to be on lifeguard duty in the main pool, as it was now open to the public. He sat in the office after showering and changing into his lifeguard's uniform, sipping coffee and texting someone who'd been on his mind the whole morning.

Ai was startled out of sleep, his phone pinging so loudly it almost split his eardrums. He reached over to the coffee table, grabbing his glasses and phone, frowning as he switched on the screen, the glare sensitive to his tired eyes.

 **Mo:** hey cutie what are you wearing ;) x

 **Ai:** the same thing I was wearing a few hours ago, plus a fat cat and a cooling strip for my killer migraine x

 **Mo:** Oh damn u ok? X

 **Ai:** yeah I should be fine!! hows work? X

 **Mo:** p good, I taught some babies to swim this morning and they were v cute x

 **Ai:** awwwww, I love babies x

 **Mo:** that doesn't surprise me. Wyd?x

 **Ai:** I was having a nap x

 **Mo:** did I wake you? Sorry, you should go back to sleep, I have to get back to work in five x

 **Ai:** I will! have fun x

 **Mo:** I will x

Ai didn't really want to stop texting Momo, but there was no point in doing so if he wasn't going to reply. He did try to get back to sleep, but he couldn't for the life of him. Noodles sat up, stretching out his back and yawning, kneading Ai's t-shirt in a sleepy motion. Ai stroked his head, sighing deeply. “Have you had a good sleep, bab?” he smiled, scratching under his chin. “Would you like some food?”

Noodles hopped off his chest at the word food, and Ai followed him as he scuttled into the kitchen. Princess was sat on counter, watching Belle with narrowed eyes as she nibbled from her food bowl.

“Now, now!” Ai scolded, which caused Belle to scarper and Princess to flick her tail, tossing her head. “You're a big meanie, Princess.”

She didn't care, and he knew she didn't. He poured fresh dry food into all cat bowls scattered about the kitchen, wondering since when did he have this many bowls? As Noodles, Princess and Ginny munched away, he wiped down the surface Princess was crouched on. He knew she didn't go out much, and she was always cleaning herself, but he could never be sure. He ended up wiping down all surfaces in his small kitchen, then decided he may as well scour the doors of the cupboards, considering he couldn't remember whether he had done it that morning. Once all the cats had skittered off, he mopped the floor, noticing dusty cat prints lining the tiles, and as soon as he'd done that, he wondered if any of what he'd done was worth it.

_Of course it was. You can never be sure. Anything could happen._

Ai threw his mop and bucket back in his cupboard made specially for his cleaning products, angry at himself for losing control again. He wasted half an hour of what could have been used for work on cleaning a place that didn't _need_ to be cleaned. He stood up straight, hand on the door to his cupboard, which was meant to be a closet, but was now heaving with bottles of bleach and anti-bac, sprays for his windows and floors, cleaner for his carpets and Dettol for his bedsheets and clothes. There were sponges, J-cloths, dusters, scrubbing brushes. Anti-bacterial wipes, gel, sprays and soaps. Two vacuums (one hand held, one regular), a broom, a dustpan and brush, his mop and bucket. He stood there, taking it all in. The brightly coloured bottles and the chemical smells making him angrier and angrier, so furious he almost grabbed a dustbin bag and chucked them all away, but knowing that if he did so, he would only go into meltdown mode the day after and buy brand new bottles.

He'd not been this angry at himself since he was put into hospital.

It was a few months after Sousuke had died. He hadn't touched his things. His clothes were still in the wardrobe, his shoes lined up in the hall, his coats on the hooks, his books on their place in the shelves and the picture of his mom and dad on the windowsill.

His suitcase lying untouched in the lounge, never to be opened again.

Ai was acting as if he would still come home. As if he would walk through their door and call for him, scoop him up in his arms, give him a kiss and tell him about his day.

He waited. And waited. And waited.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months.

Barely anyone heard from him, not since the funeral.

His only contacts were with his sister and mother, and even then he barely spoke.

He would lay in his bed, not touching a thing of Sousuke's, fearing that if he did, it would all become too real. It would break this fragile disassociation he'd been living for far too long and he would finally snap.

One day, however, Sousuke's mother paid a visit. She asked Ai if she could take a few of his things.

“Only his writing, his letters and things. Nothing too important!” she had smiled, kindly enough, not knowing her polite intentions would cause Ai's delicate walls of an unreality to crumble.

As soon as his mother left with what she wanted, it felt like she had left a hole in Ai's heart. He had been keeping this all perfect for Sousuke to come back to, but with his mother taking things as if they belonged to her, as if it didn't matter - that was the breaking point. His brittle mind snapped in two and the illness already festering in his mind completely flipped. Instead of hoarding Sousuke's possessions, not wanting to touch them just in case he needed them, letting them collect dust and sag in various parts of the house, he destroyed them. He cut up his clothes, tore pages out of books, snipped at their wedding photographs that had been sat in the envelope ever since he came home from their honeymoon. He wept as he did this, each photo reminding him every time that he wasn't there any more. He wasn't alive, he wasn't alive, _he wasn't alive._ He was dead and there was nothing he could do about it.

All the smiles, all the kisses, all the love. It didn't exist any more, it was lost, gone as soon as Sousuke was.

He then threw all of these things out into the backyard and set fire to his past, watching their memories burn right in front of him. All he could see was fire and red, his vision blurred with anger, confusion, tears. Nothing made sense to him any more.

_Why did he have to die?_

_Why him?_

_Why couldn't the Earth take someone else?_  
_Why the man he'd just married?_

_Why the man who he had loved for years?_

_Why did he have to leave him behind?_

Ai threw his wedding ring into the flames, unsure as to whether he could feel anything any more. He felt the hot tears spurting down his cheeks but not the pain in his chest. He felt the warmth of the fire but not the break of his heart.

After the fire had died down, he returned indoors and began to clean up the mess he'd left behind, scrubbing away any evidence Sousuke had ever existed in this tiny house they'd shared together. He hid photographs he seemed to have missed, stuffed things into drawers and into closets so he didn't have to see them any more. He desperately tried to wash his smell out of his clothes, scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing until the colour had drained out and the material had worn thin, but still he could smell him. The whole house smelt of him. The whole house had his fingerprints all over it, his _presence_ all over it. He wanted it to go away. _He_ _needed it to go away._

He spent days upon days scrubbing the house, top to bottom, not leaving a corner or crack unattended to. He scrubbed until he could no longer smell him but chemicals instead. He scrubbed until he could no longer feel his knees or his hands or his fingers or his back, unaware of the pain he'd been putting himself through. He scrubbed until there was no where left to scrub, and even then he went over things with a vacuum or a sponge, making sure he was no longer there, that he wasn't real, not any more. Their love didn't matter. None of it mattered, not any more. It all had to be erased. Destroyed.

Ai had gone as far as pulling their mattress off the bed and scrubbing that down too, as well as the sofa cushions and the kitchen chairs. Everything he touched had to be cleaned.

_Everything._

Ai didn't know how many days he'd been cleaning, he didn't know how long it had been since he'd last eaten or showered or slept, but it had to be done.

It was soon Ai realised that Sousuke had touched him too. Not just his body, but his heart, his mind, his soul.

_How could he get rid of that?_

After this thought, Ai's memories of what happened afterwards didn't really make much sense, not compared to others. He remembered his sister shouting loudly, his body burning and then, nothing, not until he was in the hospital, with bandages on most places of his body, stinging every time he moved. He was malnourished, about to collapse from exhaustion and had chemical burns and small cuts all over his body, as well as dark bruises on his knees and hands. His sister had come round to see if he was all right, as he hadn't called for over four or five days. The door was unlocked, and all she could smell was bleach when she stepped inside, making her light headed. She found Ai, after scrubbing himself red raw in the shower with the scour of a sponge, crouched over the sink filled with water and toilet beach, scrubbing hard with a nail brush.

He was burning and bleeding but he didn't seem to notice.

He spent three weeks in the psychiatric ward to be diagnosed with something he already knew he had plus chronic depression which had gotten better over the years. His burns and cuts healed, so he was let out, under severe supervision and care of his mother. He lived with his mother for six months, who didn't let him out of her sight, until he could move back into his little house. That was when Momo had moved in.

“Seems like you have a new neighbour.” his mother had smiled, watching as the man he now knew as Momo carry in what looked like a cabinet with a guy who looked just like him but was about twice his size.

Ai sighed, shrugging his shoulders. “They come, they go. I don't think he'll last too long here, either. Not when he learns his new neighbour was under house arrest for being crazy.”  
“Come on, hon.” his mother had said softly, pulling him into her, the gear stick digging into his ribs. “You'll be OK. How many times did you vacuum this morning?”

“Twice.” Ai mumbled, sniffing a little. “Only because I was nervous about coming back.”  
“Right! And that's less than last month, which was how many times?”

“Six. Mom--”  
“See! You're doing so well.” she kissed his forehead and let go. “Right, let's get unpacking.”

He slammed the cupboard door shut, the sound ringing in his ears. He hated it. He _hated_ it. He didn't want to be like this any more, he didn't want to clean things because the fucked up thoughts in his head made him, he didn't want to submit to that. He wanted to know when he was cleaning his hands, he wanted to know when he'd gone too far with the scrubbing brush, he wanted to know when he was bleeding because he'd quite literally rubbed away his skin.

But nothing _worked._

Therapy, pills, courses, support groups, doctors.

He'd explained over and over again to his doctors that he wanted to know when it was time to stop. He wanted to know all of these things that made him crazy but they told him, over and over, it comes with time.

Two years ago, they said it comes with time.

One year ago, they said it comes with time.

He wish he knew what 'it' was, because it sure as Hell wasn't helping him as time slipped through his fingertips as meltdown after meltdown after meltdown threw him right back to where he began. In hospital, wearing bandages on his hands and pills upon pills in his body.

_Why couldn't he be normal?_

These thoughts seemed to have upped his migraine so much he felt he couldn't see. He sat down at the kitchen table, hand to his forehead.

_Calm down. You're no good worked up._

Ai breathed out deeply, eyes still closed.

_If you clean the bathroom you'll feel better._

“Shut up.” Ai muttered, massaging his temples. “I'm not doing it.”  
_But you will. You can't help yourself. It's dirty up there, when was the last time you cleaned that shower?_

“Stop it.” he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. “You can't tell me what to do.”

_You know there's bacteria all over the floor in the shower. And on the curtains. How about the bath?_

“Dammit. Dammit!” he stood up, moving swiftly through his house, running up the stairs and stopping himself before he entered the room. “I'm only checking.”

_No, you're not though, are you?_

He twisted the handle and peered inside. It smelt of cherry blossom and bleach, a clear sign that he'd cleaned the bathroom that morning already. “I've done it already.” he mumbled, closing the door behind him, just so he wouldn't have a 'proper' look.

_But have you?_

“I'm getting my phone and going to bed.” he announced to the annoying little voice, returning downstairs and retrieving his phone. “And if you're not gone by the time I wake up I won't wash my hands for a whole day... What am I saying? I'm threatening a voice in my head. I'm absolutely nuts.”

He climbed into his clean sheets with a sigh, setting his alarm for one thirty, so he had time to get ready for his coffee date. A second date! He never thought he would get that far. He snuggled down into bed, checking his messages.

Nothing.

He sighed, locking his phone and winding his arms around his pillows, cuddling into them. He then let his mind wonder to how Momo would be lying if he were in bed with him right in that moment. Would he have his arms around him, holding him to his chest? Would he fit perfectly into his embrace? Would he steal the blankets? These were all very important questions which needed to be answered. Ai was very tempted to text him asking him how he slept, but he thought that would be a little weird to come back from work to. Also, would he respect that he wasn't allowed to turn the sheets upside down, or have wet hair in bed? He seemed like the sort of person to sleep with wet hair. Maybe if he ever did stay over and used his shower, he would have to dry his hair for him. That would be quite nice. He could brush it for him, too. He had wild hair, as if it were sentient, it seemed to do whatever it wanted. Then he thought of Maddie's hair – beautiful colour, thick and curly. He would love to style her hair for her – a top knot, fishtail braids, messy ponytails, all of the things he'd done for Heather in the past put to the test with Momo's daughter. He drifted off to sleep thinking about this, and when he woke up again it was five minutes before his alarm, and he'd missed a call off Momo.

He redialled, hoping for the best.

“Hey there.”  
Ai couldn't help but smile at the sound of his voice, especially having that the first thing he hears after waking from such a lovely rest. “Hey.”

“You sound a bit off. Are you OK?”

“I just woke up from another nap.” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. “You?”

“Me?” Mom chuckled. “Well, I'm fine. I got off earlier than I thought, so we could meet now if you're awake enough.”

Ai yawned, making Momo laugh. “Well, I could probably make it in about twenty minutes.” he sniffed, rubbing his head. “I still have a frigging migraine.”

“Aw. I'm sorry. I'll kiss it better.”

“Mmmm.” Ai smiled, eyebrows raised. “Sure. OK, see you in a bit.”

“Right. See you later.”

* * *

 

Momo was sat on a bench outside the leisure centre, hair damp, squinting in the sunlight through crowds of people in the city centre, trying to find his short, skinny date in the masses. Eventually he caught sight of him, cute round sunglasses resting on his nose, subtly looking around, small hands wound around his satchel strap as if his life depended on it. Momo stood, slinging his rucksack on his shoulder, raising his hand so Ai could see him.

“Oh!” Momo saw his mouth whisper, and soon he was waving back, a small smile on his face as he walked towards him. “Hey!”

Momo smiled back, unable to stop around him. “Hi. How's your migraine?” he asked, his brow furrowed a little in a slight concern. “I hope you didn't make yourself come.”

“No.” Ai put a hand to his forehead. “It's behaving, for now.”

They walked through the city centre, Momo talking about his day with the babies, which entertained Ai to no end, considering his love for children and their growth in learning meant more than the world to him, so if his new love interest liked doing the same thing, what could go wrong? They eventually settled in a little café and ordered coffees, Ai unable to stop himself commenting on Momo's hair.

“Oh, right. I never dry my hair cos I can never be bothered. Also I'm gonna have a shower later, cos I stink of chlorine.”

Ai's fears of Momo never drying his hair were confirmed, however he didn't want to say it considering they'll probably never sleep in the same bed, at least, if it ever progresses, not for a while. “I didn't want to say anything.” he smiled, sitting his head in his hand.

“What?” he bought his wrist to his nose, breathing in. “It's not that bad, is it?”  
Ai giggled, fiddling with his glasses. “You're fine! I was only joking.” he held out his hands then. “Look! They're not red today.”

Momo took them in his and examined them closely, turning them this way and that, making Ai snort in amusement. “Well done. They look sore, though.” he sighed, brushing where his fingers had been bleeding the day before. “And... oh.”

Ai blinked at him, heart thudding in his chest. “What?”

Momo squinted at his hand. “What's that?”

Ai leaned in close, trying to get a better look. “What's what?” he whispered, really searching now. “I don't-- Hey!”

Momo had flicked his nose, making him shoot upright, glaring at him. He laughed, patting his hands. “Sorry, it must be my eye sight.”

Ai grabbed a menu off it's stand and hit him around the head with it, making him snort with laughter. “You bully.” he scolded, shoving the menu back in it's place and scowling at him. “I thought there was something wrong!”

“Aww,” Momo placed his hands on his cheeks and pouted. “I'm sorry, Aichirou.”

Ai pouted back. “You're a big meanie.”

“Hardly!” Momo laughed, moving his hands from his face and taking his hands again. “You know I mean well.”

“Mm.” Ai shrugged, smiling a little. “Buy my coffee and I think I could forgive you.”

Momo tutted, but he did it anyway, standing when their orders were called and paying for both.

“A takeaway cup?” Momo questioned as he sat back down, placing it before him.

Ai nodded, digging around in his bag and retrieving his wipes. “I remembered them this time.” he said gently, tugging one out and wiping down the plastic top. “It's because... with those cups, they might not have been cleaned properly. Well, if I haven't cleaned them, I don't see them as clean.”

“I see.” Momo nodded, tearing open a sugar packet and tipping it into his mug. “So the takeaway cup is cleaner?”

“Yeah. It hasn't had anyone else's lips around it. It's all new and clean.” he sighed then, having caught himself talking about it. “Sorry.”

“What for?” Momo asked, watching his sad face with a gentle smile. “I need to know this stuff.”

“You don't. It's garbage.” he folded up the wipe and left it in the middle of the table. “Ignore me when I start talking like this.”

Momo didn't reply, just lifted his coffee to his lips and watched him do the same. Ai winced a little as it touched his tongue.

“Too hot?” Momo asked, laughing as Ai nodded, who rolled his tongue around in his mouth.

“Burnt tongue.” he muttered, sniffing a little.

Momo smirked (that smirk again! What does it _mean_?). “Want me to kiss it better?” he grinned, sticking his tongue out at him.

Ai almost bought out the menu again. “Gross.” he muttered, frowning at him in disappointment.

Momo chuckled, sipping his coffee. Ai continued to narrow his eyes at him, which he shook his head at. “What?” he laughed.

“Do you like kissing like that?” he whispered, eyebrows raised. “French kissing?”

“Um?” Momo turned a little pink, rubbing the back of his neck, not used to these sort of questions being asked as outright as Ai was delivering them. “Well... I'm not a stranger to it, I guess? Um... I don't... _mind_ it, I guess, but... um...why?”

Ai shrugged. “Curious.” he smiled then, sitting his head in his hand. “So if you had the choice, would you?”  
“What kind of question is that?” Momo laughed a little awkwardly, feeling his chest flush. “I mean... I guess? What's the choice?”

Ai shrugged again. “How about... A Hickey or a French kiss? Which would you prefer?” he watched his eyes intently, lifting his cup and blowing the steam off it.

Momo couldn't take his eyes off his, cheeks flaring up. “Probably a Hickey... maybe. I don't know!”

Ai smiled again, mesmerised by Momo's gaze. “Me too.” he sat up straight then, fiddling with his glasses, both flustered and surprised at his own confession. “I mean... I'm not one hundred percent sure...”

“Right.” it was Momo's turn to grin. “No stranger to a bruise or two, huh?”

“Sh-shut up.” Ai stammered, unsure as to why he was suddenly so uncomfortable, considering he was the one who asked the question. “Neither are you, by the sounds of things.”

“Hey,” Momo raised his eyebrows. “I don't kiss and tell.”

Ai blushed lightly, hiding behind his coffee cup. “Me neither.”

They sat in silence for a little while, letting this weird, new found information settle between them, and when they spoke, they did so at the same time.

“So, are you--”

“Did you--”

They stopped, unsure on what to say.

“Go on--”

“You were--”

Ai avoided eye contact, sipping his drink slowly. Momo did the same, cheeks burning.

“Did you call them?” Ai blurted after a while, anxious that the silence was going to go on forever.

Momo blinked at him, a blank expression on his face – before his eyes lit up, realisation hitting him. “Yeah! Yeah, sorry, I forgot to tell you.” he pulled his phone out of his pocket, searching for Nagisa's texts. “They said they wanted to meet... tomorrow. Is that OK?”

Ai felt his chest tighten in panic, but he nodded anyway, squeezing his hands together. “Yeah... Uh, yeah, that's fine. What time?” he said quietly, squaring his shoulders.

“Seven?” Momo looked back at him, smiling. “Don't worry too much. If they do hate you, I'll be there to save you. It'll all be fine, anyway. Nagisa can't wait to see you.”

Ai, in all honesty, felt a little bit sick. It was tomorrow. He was going to see them all _tomorrow_. He swallowed, rubbing his nose. “Fine.” he said softly, looking up at him with an uneasy smile. “That's fine.”

Momo reached over and rested a hand over his that were interlocked, squeezing gently. “It'll _be_ fine. Don't worry.” he gave him a reassuring smile, brushing his knuckles with his thumb. “I promise.”

Ai sighed, delicate breath passing his lips. “You say that...”

“I do!” Momo grinned, squeezing his hand again and letting go. “Anyway, you haven't told me about your niece and her prom thing. How old is she?”

Ai spent the next hour or so chatting about his family affairs, the conversation going from his niece, to his nephew, to his sister, to his mother, reliving old memories and sharing anecdotes that had been passed through their family for years, Momo smiling and nodding along, not really taking too much of it in, but he liked to watch Ai talk, his eyes lighting up whenever he smiled, using hand gestures to explain things, all of which only made his own smile widen. Time went by quicker than either of them thought it would, and suddenly it was four in the afternoon.

“Hey, don't you have to be somewhere soon?” Momo asked, checking his phone. “It's just gone four.”

“Oh, gosh!” Ai breathed, standing quickly and picking up his bag. “I'm sorry, I really have to go.”

“No prob.” Momo smiled, standing too as he slung his rucksack over his shoulder. “I could walk you to your car if you wanted?”

Ai hesitated, the two walking out into the street. “Uh, no, it's OK. I'm only parked up ahead.”

Momo nodded, getting ready to say goodbye - when a thought hit him, making him gasp. “Oh! Shit, yeah, before I forget!” Momo cried, almost giving Ai a heart attack as he grabbed his hand in his. “You used to teach, right?”

Ai nodded, a little concerned. “Yes?” he smiled uneasily, eyebrows arched.

“Yes!” Momo shrugged off his rucksack and dug around in it's depths, before retrieving a very thick folder beneath a pile of bright yellow clothes, which Ai assumed was his uniform. “OK, so, Maddie's school comes to the pool for swimming lessons, and I was talking to one of the teachers. Apparently, their kindergarten teacher is going on maternity leave, possibly forever, cos her husband is super rich. And they need to fill in the gap pretty soon.”

Ai knew what he was getting at, and when he saw Momo pull out an application form, his heart thudded hard in his chest. What was he doing? Why did he have that? And why did he think of him? He couldn't go back. Even if he did miss it.

Momo held it out to him, and all he could do was accept. His eyes were so bright, so proud of himself, crouched there like an excitable puppy, grinning up at him. “What do you think? Could you do it?”

Ai looked down at the form. _Kindergarten Teacher. Experience needed. We would love a new, friendly face to work with our four to five year old students as they take that first step into education._

He smiled tightly, slipping the form into his bag. “I guess I could fill it in.” he mumbled, feeling rather overwhelmed. “Um... Thanks.”

Momo smiled, standing up straight again. “No prob. If you get it, remember who found it for you.”

“Oh, I will.” Ai laughed nervously, holding onto his bag tightly. “I couldn't forget.”

The conversation fell, and they stood, watching each other, unsure on how to say goodbye. Ai shuffled his feet anxiously, tugging on his bag strap. “Would you like a kiss goodbye?” he said softly, smiling awkwardly at him.

Momo lifted his chin and kissed his lips lightly, then again, then twice more as Ai deepened their kiss.

“OK.” Ai found himself giggling, lips tingling as they broke away. “See you later.”

Momo planted two kisses his cheek, smiling against his soft skin. “See you.” he grinned, and pulled away, waving at him as he walked back towards the leisure centre, leaving Ai with his body tingling all over once again.

* * *

 

Violet was sat on her doorstep smoking a cigarette when Ai arrived, her face hard with the sort of concern a mother can only have. Ai honked his horn and she jumped out of her skin, sticking her finger up at him as he laughed from inside his car. He climbed out, slamming the door behind him. “What's up?” Ai asked, walking towards her, hands in his jacket pockets. “Heather's still not back?”

Violet shook her head, smoke curling from her lips. “Nope. Aaron should be back in a bit. I think she must be picking things up for her date.” she patted the space beside her, and Ai bit his lip, unsure on how clean it was. “It's fine, I swept it this morning.”

Ai didn't believe her in the slightest, and even if she did, he's seen her sweeping – it was shoddy at best. He shrugged off his jacket instead and sat on that beside her, seeing as it needed to be dry cleaned soon anyway. She offered him a cigarette.

“I have never smoked in my life.” Ai said, pushing the carton away from him. “It's a horrible habit.”  
“I _know,_ but you know I have to when I get nervous. And everything else in between.” she sighed, shutting it up and tucking it in her sweater pocket. “I know nothing about this date. Who he is, where he lives...”

Ai smiled at her, a twinkle in his eye. “What if it's a girl?”

“Oh, bloody Hell,” she took another drag, brow furrowed. “She would tell me if she was a lesbian though, right? I mean, you're gay, and she knows we've got no problem with it.”

Ai shook his head, pouting. “No clue.” he shrugged, looking out into the small street. “Maybe this is her way of coming out.”

Violet's lips blew out a puff of smoke, eyes closed. “That's how you came out.”

“Huh?” Ai blinked at her. “No. Was it?”

She nodded, flicking ash into the thistle bush beside the porch. “Yeah.” she smiled at him. “You don't remember?”

Ai shrugged, hands on his knees. He really didn't. He thought his family already knew anyway, he didn't have to come out. He's known since he was a kid, so he just assumed his family did too.

“You bought big ol' Sou home one night and told Ma and me he was your boyfriend. We had no idea you were even gay, but you just kinda expected us to know.” she sighed, stubbing out her cigarette on the concrete between them. “I did love him. He was good to you.”

Ai watched the cigarette smoke, sighing too. “I know. I loved him, too.” he whispered, avoiding any eye contact. “Dad hated him.”  
“Right?” Violet tutted, leaning back on her elbows, blonde hair scraping the concrete. “He didn't even come to the wedding. Asshole. Has he spoken to you recently?”

Ai shook his head, picking a loose thread on his jeans, uncomfortable with any conversation about his father at the best of times. “Not since the hospital visit.”  
“Oh, crumbs, that was a state.” she grimaced. “Oh, well. You don't need people like that in your life. You got me and mom, that's enough.”

Ai rubbed his lips together, drumming his fingertips on his knees. “Uh... Actually, Vi, there's something--”  
“Mom, catch!”

Aaron had come out of no where, throwing a basketball in the siblings' direction. Violet wasn't quick enough, and out of panic Ai managed to catch it, knowing that if he didn't, Heather's prom night would be turning into a trip to the emergency room.

“Nice one.” Aaron grinned at him, leaning against the porch archway. “What you here for, Unk?”

“I'm here to tell you to not be a reckless idiot,” Ai scolded, handing him back his ball and brushing his hands. “Where has that been?”  
Aaron dribbled it beside him, shrugging. “I dunno, here and there.” he pulled his mouth into a straight line as he watched his uncle pull out a bottle of anti-bacterial and squeeze it into his hand. “It's not that bad.”  
Violet shot him a warning look, and he sighed, bouncing it once more before tucking it under his arm. “Really though, you here for Heather?”

Ai nodded, cleaning each finger out of habit. “Yeah. I'm doing her photos.”  
“Oh! I see,” he grinned at them both. “You don't know about her date yet, right?”  
Violet raised her eyebrows at him. “You know?”  
Aaron stuck his tongue out and tossed his ball. “I'm getting a snack.” was all he said, stepping over them both and walking into the house.

“Dammit.” Violet muttered, pulling another cigarette out of her carton. “How come _he_ knows?”

As she was about to light it, Heather's old Honda rolled into the driveway. Violet tucked the cigarette back in its box, pressing it against her lips. Aaron must have heard her car coming, as he was now standing behind them, munching on a pizza slice. Heather stepped out of her car, blonde hair tied atop of her head in a messy bun, retro sunglasses over her eyes, wearing a light summer dress and sandals, and waved at her family all grouped up together on the porch.

Then the passenger door opened.

Ai could hear Violet's breath getting caught in her throat.

A tall girl with a tanned complexion and thick, dark, curly hair followed Heather suit, smiling at her. Aaron nudged his mother and uncle with his knee, raising his eyebrows at them as they turned round to see him.

“Hey, Mom. Ai. This is Nadia.” Heather introduced her, smiling a little awkwardly. “She's my date.”

Nadia was very quiet over the course of the afternoon, letting Heather do all of the talking as she painted her nails whilst Violet, who used to train as a stylist, did her hair, complimenting it's thickness and softness, playing about with it between her fingers and deciding what would suit her best. Ai asked Heather how she wanted her pictures.

“I don't really know.” she shrugged, dipping the brush into the mint nail polish. “You're the professional, Unk.”

“I mean, I suppose.” he furrowed his brow, thinking about where they could go, what would look best, the direction of the sunlight. His eyes drifted to Nadia, who was watching Heather slowly brush colour onto her nails, face almost blank. “Do you have a preference?”  
Nadia's big doe eyes moved from Heather's face to Ai's, blinking her long lashes at him. “Uh... I think the backyard would be nice.” she said softly, wincing as Violet ran a brush through her hair. “Unless you were thinking somewhere different.”

“Yeah...” Ai tapped his lip. “Hold on, I'll go get my cameras and see where's best in the backyard.”

As he was rummaging around in his trunk for his lenses, waiting for his camera to turn on so he could start fiddling with the exposure, he heard a pair of feet crunch down the driveway, and all of a sudden a pair of white, flowery sandals came into view on his camera's frame. He looked up and saw Heather smiling at him, her blue eyes twinkling. Ai smiled back, leaning on the back of his trunk. “Did you leave Nadia in the hands of your mother?”

“Well,” she began, taking a seat inside his trunk, swinging her legs. “They started talking about sports so I cleared off. She seems comfortable enough. Mom isn't that bad.”

Ai sat beside her, setting his camera in his lap. “No, I suppose not.” he looked back at her – his beautiful niece, all grown up and ready to face the world. “Are you and her... dating?”  
Heather shrugged, looking at her feet rather than him, holding herself tight. “I want to, but... we're friends. Like, really, really good friends. And she's... she's wonderful. She's quiet around adults but when she's with her friends she's an explosion of noise and colour and... Ai, I'm so in love with her.”

Ai blinked at her, not at all knowing she would have feelings this intense for anyone yet – but, then again, he was her age when he'd started dating Sousuke, and there was no denying that he hadn't loved him right from the start. “Does she know?”

Heather rubbed her arm. “No.” she murmured, drumming her fingers on her thighs, unable to keep still. “But I was planning to tell her tonight. Just... Ask her out, properly, you know?”

Ai nodded, smiling gently at her. “Yeah. Of course.” he patted her hand. “I'm happy for you. So... are you fully out?”

Heather shrugged again, finally looking at him. “Do you think I should be?” she asked, rubbing her lips together.

“If you're ready.” Ai smiled encouragingly, squeezing her hand tight.

Heather let out a big sigh, hopping out of his cars trunk and standing in front of him with her hands on her big hips. “Is it weird that I like her this much? Like, she's just a friend, right?” she frowned, cupid bow lips folded over into a pout.

Ai shook his head. “No. Of course it isn't. That's how Sousuke and I got together. And look where that got us.” he smiled – then he pulled his mouth into a straight line as Heather gave him a sad look. “Well, before he died, obviously.”

Heather's expression softened, opening her mouth to reply, when her mother called her from the front door.

“Heather!” Violet shouted, voice impatient. “Stop harassing your Uncle and come get your hair done!”

Heather crossed her eyes, sighing in exasperation, making Ai chuckle. “Coming!” she replied, starting a slow walk back up the drive. “Keep your panties on.”

“Hey!” Violet scolded playfully, tapping her lightly on the head with the back of her hairbrush as she joined her on the porch. “Don't be rude.”

Ai slumped over, feet only just dangling above the tarmac. If he pointed his toes, he would be grounded. Instead, he swung his legs, one after the other, watching each foot that had been shoved into black suede boots which he'd had since college graze the roses his sister had so lovingly planted. He probably needed some new boots, but he had some kind of attachment to them. Sousuke may have something to do with it, but in all honestly, he couldn't remember. He looked over at the neighbouring homes, bright green yards and neat white fences and beautiful, blooming flowers tucked away in beds or baskets. A child with her hair in pigtails rode past Violet's home on a bike, a dog yapped in a house next door. Music. Laughter. Bird song and a light breeze brushing away Ai's bangs like fingertips. He closed his eyes, enjoying the late afternoon sun on his skin and all of the different sounds surrounding him, reminding him that he wasn't alone as he lost himself in thought.

He heard a voice he didn't quite recognise as his eyes grew heavy.

It got louder, and louder, until he could hear them clearly.

It was Sousuke.

 

“Ai.” he felt one huge hand, which was warm and strong, on his shoulder, shaking him awake.

Ai fluttered open his lashes to see the Mediterranean sea staring back at him, soft and kind, full of last nights dreams and the morning's sunshine. Ai smiled gently, raising a hand and tracing his lovers face with his fingertips, jaw, cheeks, lips, nose, hair, all taking shape as he caressed the warmest skin he'd known. “Good morning, handsome.” he mumbled, closing his tired eyes again.

Ai didn't have to look to know he was smiling. “Good morning.”

His lips. His gentle, supple lips, always loving, always welcoming, were pressed against his. He moved away. “You were talking in your sleep. I had to wake you up.” he moved his hair away from his face. “Something in Spanish.”

“I haven't spoken Spanish since High School.” Ai yawned, rubbing his right eye and forcing himself awake, so he could properly look at him – Sousuke. “I love you.” he said, out of no where, tired eyes watching his carefully.

Sousuke smiled, tucking his hair behind his ear this time as it slipped back into place on his cheek. “I love you, too.” he pressed another kiss on his forehead. “Or should I say; _te amo_.”  
Ai grinned, winding his arms around his shoulders and snuggling into his neck, breathing in the smell of soft bed sheets and daydreams. “Or not.” he mumbled, stroking his back lovingly, tracing his muscles and the shape of his spine. “What time is it?”

“Mmm...” Sousuke sat up on his elbow, squinting at the clock on the bedside table. “Half six.”

“Oh,” Ai whispered. He had to be up in half an hour, to get ready for work. “You woke me up a bit early.”

He shrugged, smiling down at him. “I told you, you were speaking Spanish.”

“ _Mierda_.” Ai retaliated, sticking his tongue out at him. “Really, though, why am I awake?”

Sousuke's smile widened. His smile outshone many, like the moon amongst the stars. His sea blue eyes crinkled around the edges and brightened as if the sun were peaking from behind clouds. Ai returned his smile, his own eyes twinkling. Sousuke pressed another kiss against his lips.

“I just wanted to see you.” he whispered, suddenly serious. “I miss you.”

“Hm?” Ai blinked at him, brow furrowed. “You miss me?”

Sousuke was then out of bed, getting dressed. Ai sat up, dazed. “Sou, what are you doing?”

Sousuke didn't answer, shrugging on his hoody and falling with a thud on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. His shoulders began to shake.

“Sou?” Ai whispered, crawling over to him and pressing a hand on his back. “Honey?”

Sousuke didn't reply, but continued to shake. Ai could hear him choke back tears.

“What's the matter?” Ai wound his arms around his waist, chin on his shoulder, kissing his neck. “You can tell me, baby.”

Sousuke placed his hands over the tiny ones that held onto him. “Ai. Fuck, Ai.” he hissed, squeezing his hands so tightly Ai thought they were going to snap.

“What?” Ai breathed, trying to lean around him, but he seemed so big it was like trying to climb a wall. “What's wrong?”

“I miss you.” he mumbled, sniffing hard. “I miss you so much.”

Ai's heart was thudding in his chest. He didn't know what the _Hell_ he was on about. “Why?” he squeezed him tight, kissing his shoulder gently. “Why do you miss me, Sou?”

He was silent. The squeezing stopped, the sniffing stopped, everything stopped. Ai could feel his chest rise and fall at each slow breath. “Ai.” he said so clearly it made Ai start. “You know.”

Ai did know. Deep in his heart he knew. A terrible dread pulled him down, his stomach dropping to his knees. This was all too good to be true. Too familiar. Too safe. His warmth too real, his kisses and smiles too perfect. Ai pressed his forehead against his back, yet there was no longer heat, only a stiff cold, like fingertips on a frosty day.

“I know.” Ai whispered, squeezing him tight, but he didn't even know if he was still there. “I know.”

The body he was clinging onto grew smaller.

And smaller.

And smaller.

Until all he was left with was a small black cat that looked like Jet curled up in his lap, fur tickling his bare legs, purrs comforting the tears that dribbled down his cheeks.

“Hey.”

Another voice. One that lifted his heart a little, bright and cheerful. He raised his head, and two freckled hands cupped his cheeks, the rough thumbs wiping away his tears. “You OK?”

Ai looked into the strangers eyes. They were the colour of sunshine. The colour of hope. The colour of joy. Shiny and sparkly and happy. He smiled, although sad, and pulled the stranger closer, so he could take in his whole face. It was beautiful. “I am OK.” he whispered, and pressed a kiss against his lips as another tear fell from the corner of his eye.

* * *

 

“Daddy!”

“Hey, Princess!” Momo crouched and let her jump into his arms, although he had trouble catching her, her dance outfit making her slippery, like a fish, all silk and chiffon. “How was dance?”

Maddie pulled away, hands linked behind his neck, swinging this way and that. “Good! I think I'm going to be a very good fairy in the show.”

Maddie now had two practises a week as her first show of the year was just around the corner. This was their Spring recital, and the baby classes were doing various fairytale stories he'd never heard of before. Maddie and a few of her friends were rainbow fairies, herself being the yellow fairy, exclaiming that she was only the yellow fairy because she was the only one whose eyes would match the dress. Momo couldn't argue with this, although he did wonder if spending so much time shopping with Gou was good for her or not.

“I think you'll be the best fairy that has ever lived.” he grinned, making her giggle. “Would our yellow fairy like to fly?”

“Yes! Yes yes yes!” she clamoured, hopping from foot to foot, chubby cheeks dimpled.

Momo held her waist between his hands. “One, two, three!” he stood up with her as she squealed with joy, and propped her up on his shoulders. “OK?”

“Yeah!” she giggled, taking his hands as he began to walk.

“You got your stuff?”

“Yes!” Maddie patted her glittery mermaid backpack with pride. “It's sparkly so I never forget it.”

“Of course!” Momo snapped his fingers, making her snort with laughter. “Well done, Maddie. You're solving all of my problems. I'll have to get a sparkly key ring. And a sparkly wallet.”

Maddie rest her chin atop of his head. “Ew,” she mumbled into his hair. “You smell like swimming pool.”

Momo tickled the back of her knee, making her squeal. “That's because I went swimming today. But I have to look after you so I didn't have time to not smell like a swimming pool, kid.” he jiggled her around on his shoulders, getting her into a more comfortable position. “Where do you want to eat?”

Maddie made a very big deal of umming an arring, playing with Momo's hair as he walked through the town park, and he was pretty sure she gave him a 'very pretty' French braid. “Can we go to grandma's?”

Momo blinked, a little shocked by her answer. Usually she would ask to go to a pizza place or McDonalds, as Gou never usually takes her to fast food restaurants, and Maddy knew all too well that Momo would treat her to whatever she wanted. He did have to confess that he spoilt her rotten.

“Uh, sure. We'll get back to mine and I'll call her.” he smiled, and Maddie nodded, pleased with this answer.

“Of course! Of course you can come over, my lovely.” Momo's mother was very happy with this unexpected visit. “Your brother's over for dinner, too, so--”  
“Sei?” Momo didn't know whether to be happy or not about this. “I thought he was on holiday.”

His mother seemed to be laughing. “Well, he's back now! Right, OK, see you and our Maddie in a little while.”

Momo tutted, locking his phone. Sei. _Fucking Seijouro._ What was he doing home? Why was he home? Also, if he was back, shouldn't his girlfriend be with him? He peered into the lounge and found Maddy, lying on her back and playing a dress up game on his tablet. “Guess who's at Grandma's?”

She rolled over onto her stomach, looking up at him, eyes bright. “Who?”

“Your uncle Sei.”

Maddie blinked, eyes wide. “Really?” she whispered, obviously unsure as to how to react to this news. “He's scary.”

Momo snorted, scratching the back of his head. “Come on, Princess.” he held out his hand, and she complied, standing with her backpack and his tablet, taking two fingers into her small hands. “What's so scary about him?”

Maddie spent a while thinking about it, soft face crumpled in deep thought, and whilst Momo was strapping her in, she finally spoke. “He is very big.” she concluded. “And he is very loud.”

Momo grinned at her, hand on his hip, leaning on the car roof. “Is that so?”

Maddie nodded determinedly, folding her lip over. “I remember he hugged me so hard I thought I was going to suffocate and die.” she said it so matter-of-factly, Momo burst into laughter, running his hand over his tired features.

“Yeah.” Momo kissed her cheek. “Bless you.”

As Momo drove to his mother's, a nagging at the back of his mind told him he shouldn't be going. Not because of his dumbass brother or his mother, but something else. Something that he should remember, but couldn't. It didn't help that Maddie was talking the whole ride there, babbling about what her and her Gran had done yesterday, which was quite sweet, but it didn't help his thought process in the slightest.  
But then, once he'd rolled up to his old home, he spotted his father's car in the driveway, and it hit him.   
The argument, that morning.   
"Fuuuuuuu...dge. Fudge." Momo caught the slip of the tongue before it got any worse, biting down on his lip and sighing deeply. "Sugar."   
Maddie tilted her red head, smiling at him in his rear view mirror, pretty lips wide. "Come on, Daddy!"  
Momo couldn't help but smile back, despite his sudden dip in mood. "All right, all right." he climbed out of the drivers seat, and as he was attempting to pull the straps off Maddie's car seat, which were confiding her to the car itself, he felt a rather familiar clap on the back and a loud greeting, making Momo's mood surprisingly lift that little bit, because, even though Sei annoyed him at the best of times, he was still his brother, and he was pretty great.  
"How was the vacation?" Momo asked, finally managing to set Maddie free and lifting her out of her seat, holding her against his hip and shutting the door behind them. "I bet you really took in the sights."  
"Ha!" he grinned at him, well, down at him, being quite literally twice the size of him. He was just a very big, very buff version of Momo. "Sure did. And how's the most beautiful niece in the world?"  
Maddie pressed her forehead against Momo's shoulder, clinging to his shirt, shyness getting the better of her, making Sei laugh out loud. "Oh dear! Not seen me enough!" he ran a large hand over her burgundy curls. "She looks more like her mother everytime I see her!"  
Momo smiled at her, squeezing her leg as he held her. "Say hello, Princess." he said softly, and she shook her head, making Sei laugh even more.  
"I wouldn't say hi to me, either!" he grinned, then patted her head again, before patting Momo's, affection for them both quite overwhelming, but he never really knew how to express it. "You better come in, Mom's waiting!"  
Momo's mother was tall and lean, with soft, auburn hair and gold eyes that shone every time she saw her children, who had inherited them from her, from the colour to the shape to the length of her lashes. She smiled all the time despite the pain her arthritis must give her everyday, and made loud jokes with loud laughter to accompany them. Momo's family were a loud bunch. Always the centre of attention, always laughing, always open, always shouting or talking to loudly in restaurants and displaying their passions and enthusiasms maybe a little bit too excitedly, but Momo liked it that way. This was his family. Loud and rude as they were, they were his, and he loved them.  
Anyway, he loved being a loud mouth.  
Maddie jumped down and ran at her grandmother, winding her arms around her legs and asked if she could help with dinner.  
"Of course, my lovely!" she laughed, chucking her under her delicate little chin. "You can tell me all about dance today while we're doing it."  
"Yes! Yes! I learnt a lot more of my fairy routine today." she began, and Momo left her to his mother's devices, swinging on her long fingers and babbling on about her little ballet class, her excitable talk now a faded background noise as they entered the kitchen.   
"She's a great kid." Sei smiled at him, feeling some sort of pride well I his stomach for his little brother. "Pretty and smart, like us, eh?"  
Momo snorted, chucking his car keys into the dish beside the front door and kicking off his shoes. "Speak for yourself, I'm thick as pig poo." he muttered, tucking his hands in his pockets. "She is though. My little girl's gonna be smarter than me, at least."  
Sei shrugged with another grin. "She loves you all the same." he threw an arm around his shoulder. "Anyway! Dad tells me you're dating! That's great!"  
Momo winced as he squeezed his shoulder, not because it hurt, but because he had to explain all over again who it was he was dating and why he wasn't gay. What a bastard. Bastard!   
"I guess." Momo mumbled into his shoulder as he held him to him. "Did dad say who?"  
Sei shook his head, shrugging once. "No! I didn't know he knew." he beamed at him. "Why? Is it someone I know?"  
Momo shook his head, pulling away ever so slightly and smiling up at him. "Nah. Uh... Don't be weird about this but... it's a guy. I'm dating a guy. His names Ai, he's really great. Uh." He grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry. Maybe. Why am I sorry?"  
Sei blinked at him, unsure on what to say. "A guy?"  
Momo nodded. "Yeah. He's my neighbour. Cute guy. Really cute." he bit down on this thumb, not looking at him, staring at his feet. "So...? That's that, I suppose. Drink?"  
Sei moved his arm from around his shoulder and pressed his hand against the back of his neck, scratching uncomfortably. "Hm." Sei furrowed his brow, hand on his hip, wracking his brain for something to say to him as the odd shock settled into his system. "Neighbour?"  
Momo rolled his eyes. "Are you just going to repeat what I say or tell me something indirectly homophobic?" Momo raised his eyebrows at him, Sei now rubbing his slightly stubbled chin. "I'm waiting."  
Smiling, he patted his head, surprising him slightly. "Well, as long as you're happy." he finally concluded. "I wasn't expecting it, but what do I care if you're happy. You got a picture?"  
Momo did in fact have a picture of Ai saved onto his phone. He had taken one of him sitting with his camera on the parks edge where you could allegedly watch deer yesterday. He showed this to Sei, Ai's blue eyes shining and smile slight in the photograph as he caught Momo red handed.   
"Yeah. Yeah. He is cute." Sei agreed, nodding his head in approval. "Yes. Cute."  
Momo blushed happily, taking his phone and looking back at the photograph, smile growing. "Yeah. I mean... It's only been a few days, but he's really something, you know?" he stopped looking at the photograph, knowing if he continued he would keep on talking about him, stuffing his phone into his pocket and smiling at his older brother, who had a look of both confusion and pride on his face, an odd expression, but Momo could appreciate it. "Anyway, early days. Dad's not happy."  
Sei grimaced. "Sorry about that. He's not exactly understanding."  
Momo blinked at him. "Why do you need to apologise for him? He's--"  
"Daddy!"   
Maddie ran at him, wrapping her chubby arms around his leg and smiling up at him. "Papa wants to take me to the park, can I go? Can I?"  
Momo smiled, despite the serge of anger that suddenly hit him as he heard his daughter name his father so affectionately when he was being such a horrible old man. "I don't see why not. But be careful! Hold Papa's hand all the way there and all the way back, OK?"   
Maddie nodded, beautiful face brightening as she grinned in excitement, and ran off, calling her grandpa's name and saying her goodbye to her grandmother.   
Sei sensed his resentment. "She's only little." he patted his shoulder. "She wouldn't understand what he says, don't worry."  
Momo sighed shakily, rubbing his cheek. "Yeah.” he mumbled, but that was not what was on his mind. He was afraid that he would twist what was really going on and confuse Maddie into her thinking that what he was doing by dating another man was wrong. Then, of course, the fingers of blame would all point at him. He could imagine it all too vividly – Maddie asking questions, Gou blaming Momo, Maddie not wanting to see him any more because him seeing Ai made her confused and her mother angry. Then he would have to give up Ai because he's told him, he's made it straight, that his daughter always came first. But he didn't want to give up Ai, he didn't want Gou to get angry at his daughter asking questions in which his father had planted into her head. He didn't want to give up something that made him happy just because some old man doesn't want to understand that his son appreciates both men and women in a romantic way.

His mother didn't understand it either. She was stirring something in a saucepan as Sei and Momo sat in the kitchen, drinking cider and talking about his vacation back to England. Once she was finished with her pot, she slowly lowered herself down at the kitchen table, knees groaning and face twisting as her bones complained about her movements. Sei got up to help her, but she waved her hand about, finally sitting in a chair which had a thick cushion on it, just for her. “Don't fuss,” she sighed, tutting as Sei returned to his seat. “You boys – I'm not that old yet.”

Momo smiled at her, face softening as his eyes grazed over her tired old features – laugh lines around her eyes and creases in her lips, her forehead crinkled with worry lines in which her three, rowdy, irresponsible and disorganised children had caused over the last thirty years, high cheekbones now hiding behind sagging skin as it lost its youth, yet her eyes had her usual glint, hair, although dyed, still as bright as his, and her wit was a sharp as ever. She caught him staring. “What you looking at?” she teased, making him grin, shaking his head.

“Nothing.” he patted her wrinkled hand, nails painted a dark green colour that reminded him of dragon scales, and took a deep breath. “Mom--”  
“I don't want to hear it.” she said firmly, making the brothers recoil a little, Momo moving his hand from hers.

He furrowed his brow, confused with her words. “What?”

“I don't want to hear about this man, Mo, I don't need to. It's just a silly phase. I assume you're trying to make Gou jealous.”  
Momo stared at her, completely dumbfounded. He didn't know what to say to her, as everything she had just said made absolutely no sense to him. He found himself hunching over his cider can, playing with the pull tab, feeling quite deflated at her words. Sei sat up straight, clearing his throat. “I don't really think that's fair.” he said, furrowing his brow. “Don't you want to know about your son?”

Their mother winced at her eldest son's words, mouth that was usually so smiley twisting into something of disapproval. “It's none of my business what he does with this... man. Honestly, it's... it's weird.”

Momo breathed in deeply, ignoring the ache in his chest that his mother had caused with one word which he'd never expect to hear.

_Weird._

Fucking _weird._ He and Ai were _weird_. Their current state of being together, to his mother, was _weird._

You describe unidentified ocean creatures as _weird_ , not relationships.

“Why?” Momo asked, looking her in the eye. “What's _weird_ about it?”

His mother bristled at his tone of voice, pressing her crinkled lips together and knotting her hands at her front. “Momotarou, don't take that tone with me, I don't appreciate it.”

Momo blinked at her, stunned. “Excuse me?” he couldn't believe it. Well, he could, but he wasn't expecting her to be so cold or rude about it. “You just called me weird for going out with a guy. You could at least have the decency to explain to me  _why_ it's so _weird_ to you.”

Her face flushed, brow knitting together. “You have never shown any interest in men, before, Momotarou. If you had, if you had just said you were, you know, _homosexual,_ ” she whispered the word as if it were a secret curse. “Then it would be different!”

“For Gods sake, mother, I'm not gay.” Momo was almost laughing at the ridiculousness of the conversation. “And how do you know I haven't liked men before?”

She swallowed, pressing a hand to her neck. “Well... have you?”

Momo smiled, at his mother, then his brother, then down at his drink. “I have.” he lifted his can, hiding his mouth behind it as he continued to grin. “Many men.”

Sei blinked at him, unsure on what to think of this new outlook on Momo's adult life, whereas his mother was _most definitely_ able to make up her mind, and she let out an odd noise, between a gasp and a squeak.

“Does Gou know?” she hissed, leaning forward. “About... this?”

“Course she does.” Momo shrugged, sitting his head in his hand. “She knows about Ai, she thinks it's fine. And Maddie's met him. She likes him as well. I don't see your problem. The _weird_ about it.”

Both of her sons were watching her, Sei not quite sure what to say, although there wasn't much he _could_ say unless he wanted to annoy his mother further, and Momo was smiling at her, waiting for an answer. She straightened herself up, squeezing her hands together. “Of course it's weird. I don't know anyone who... who could just... be so... _greedy._ ”  
Momo snapped his fingers, making his mother jump. “That's the word.” he raised his eyebrows at her, leaning back in his chair. “I knew that word was coming. _Greedy._ You make me sound like I've eaten all the cookies in the jar. Mom, I am not greedy for wanting to spend my time appreciating the beauty of both men and women. It's the 21st century. Bisexuality exists.”

Sei found himself smiling, the same pride he felt in his gut earlier returning for his little brother, not only because he was an amazing father, but now because he was standing up for who he was, and what he believed in. That to him, that was pretty amazing. He looked back at their mother, who seemed as if she were about to cry. She had her hand to her neck still, rubbing her lips together. “It's not right, Momo. You're not right. That's not how it _works--”  
_ “Well,” he shrugged. “That's how it works for me. And if you can't accept that, then don't. Don't bother. Because I know there will be others that will support me, and you're not one of them, clearly.”

“Momo, please, don't say that.” she said softly, golden eyes filling with tears. “I love you. I do, I do, but you can't... you can't father a child with a woman and be with a man, it's... it _is_ weird. What will Maddie get from that? How will she grow up knowing that her father was with her mother once but now he's with a man. Knowing that her father's a...” She shook her head, biting down on her thumbnail. “A... faggot, you know?”

Momo widened his eyes, body seizing up as the words settled in his stomach, the conversation curdling whatever he had for lunch and turning him queasy. His face had gone chalk white, hand over his mouth, trying to process what lead her to calling him this. A word in which he'd never, _ever_ thought he would have to come across.

Sei pressed a large hand on his back, suddenly shrouded in anger and the need to protect his brother from their own flesh and blood. “You can't say that.” he said firmly, squeezing Momo's shoulder. “You can't call people that, Mom, it's not right. Especially your own son, Christ!”

“Well, that's what he is! And maybe it is wrong, but he was pushing it, Sei, he was pushing me!” she had begun to shout – they both were, the usual Mikoshiba arguments which occurred when all members of the family were home. A huge row when Momo's sister got engaged at nineteen, a huge row when Momo got Gou pregnant, a huge row when Sei moved to England for a year, a huge row when Momo's father bought a new car, a huge row when Maddie was born, a huge row when their sister got pregnant, a huge row when Sei bought a girlfriend home from England. There were many before these events, many after, and now this one on Momo's sexuality, who was almost twenty-four and lived his own life, with his house, his daughter and his jobs, just added to the list.

His mother and Sei were properly going for it, all about him. Momo still felt sick. He stood slowly, feeling dizzy, walking over to the kitchen tap and wetting his face with cold water, squeezing his eyes shut and listening to the viscous words being thrown back and forth, trying to detach himself from the whole fiasco, only happening all because this morning he decided to tell his father he was falling for a man who loved photography and cats.

The argument had moved on from Momo's bisexuality to Sei's girlfriend, who didn't come back with him and stayed home in England for a few more weeks. Momo didn't give a shit. He couldn't give a fuck about Emily and her bloody family in bloody Oxford with their bloody country house and their bloody farm. He just wanted to go home. He wanted Maddie to come back so he could drop her off at his ex girlfriends house and go home and have Ai come over and he would tell him about tonight and they would laugh it off. They would sit in his lounge with a bottle of wine and laugh and cuddle and kiss and keep on existing with each other until they could no longer hear his parents or his past as none of it mattered any more, not since now they had each other.

He needed Ai now, in this argument that looked as if it was about to turn into a punch up rather than a row. He needed his arms around him, his slight little body pressed against his, feeling his warmth through his cute sweatshirts and his heartbeat against his. He needed that comfort.

“I can't be bothered!” Momo's mother cried in frustration, standing slowly from her seat and narrowing her eyes at Sei. “You do what you want. The both of you. I don't care. You fuck all the men you want and you fuck off to England, see if I care. See if I give one.”

And with that, she left the room, leaving Sei red in the face, hands atop of his head, and Momo still pasty, nibbling at his nails. The room was silent for a few moments, save for the clock ticking on the wall and Sei's heavy breathing as he calmed himself down.

Momo looked over at him, feeling slightly wounded. “You're moving in with Emily?” he said softly, fist to his lips.

“Yeah.” he mumbled into his hands, looking down at the floor. “We're... We're getting married.”

Momo widened his eyes, jaw dropping. “Sei. Sei, that's amazing!” he cried, mood suddenly climbing sky high at his news. “Congrats, man, why didn't you tell me?”  
Sei shook his head, rubbing his forehead. “I dunno. I don't really want to get married.” he muttered, scuffing the heel of his trainer against the chair leg. “As soon as I asked her, I regretted it. I don't know why. Honestly, I love the girl. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I just... I don't want to get married.”

“Shit.” Momo scratched the back of his neck. “Is that what Mom's mad about?”

Sei shrugged, finally looking up at him, a smile on his face. “She's mad at all of us. Tab's thinking of divorce, I'm thinking of marriage, and you're dating a guy. I mean... _shit._ ”

Momo began to laugh then. Full on, belly laughter, so many emotions running through him he didn't really know what to handle first, so he just laughed. Laughed at his sister getting divorced, laughing at his brother for getting married, laughing at himself for being bisexual, laughing at his mother for being so angry, and soon Sei was laughing too, at the ridiculousness of it all, their loud, unapologetic chortles filling the whole house, easing the soreness that the full frontal argument had left behind. They were still laughing when Maddie and their father returned home, the both of them confused at the two brothers, collapsed against each other with their hands on their stomachs and tears in their eyes. Momo could not remember the last time he and his brother shared a moment like this, and he hoped it happened again.

* * *

 

Ai stayed at Violet's after the two girls were chauffeured off to prom in a friends limo, Ai having taken many beautiful shots of both his niece and her date, their height, skin tones, hair colours and dress type setting each other off perfectly, as if they were the perfect pair. They certainly looked it in their photographs. Although Nadia was quite shy, she seemed to shine in her portraits, head tilted to the sun, illuminating the contours of her face and shine in her dark hair, perfectly done by Violet. She held her five foot eight figure as if she were a model. As Ai flicked through these photographs with Violet on her computer, the two of them awe struck at her beauty and confidence, despite her speaking no more than a sentence to the two of them. Ai shook his head, amazed. “I'm going to start her modelling portfolio right now.” he whispered, taking in a picture of her smiling shyly at the camera, but her body was open, inviting the camera to love her, an audience to be aware of her, girls to envy her, boys to fall for her.

Violet sighed, standing and picking out a cigarette from her pack. “I'm going into the yard. You coming?”

The siblings sat on a swinging garden seat that was placed on the back porch, facing the vast yard which was blooming with Violet's lovely flowers, littered with Aaron's footballs and basketballs, and sat in the corner was a forgotten Wendy house, one that both Ai and Heather used to sit in and play imaginary games. Violet had fished out a thick blanket, and the two of them were snuggled beneath it, Ai with his head in his sister's shoulder, nursing a glass of wine as she puffed on a cigarette, the scene reminiscent of their younger years, when Violet would come home after curfew and Ai was tiny and couldn't sleep, so they sat outside, listening to their parents row, snuggled up in each others arms. Violet would smell of alcohol, weed, stale sweat and old perfume, but Ai still found comfort in that. His big sister's smell. She still smelt of the same perfume, but instead of weed it was cigarettes, and instead of stale sweat it was laundry detergent, and Ai loved it all the same.

Violet began to swing the seat gently with her bare toes that were painted a light pink, her tattoo of a daisy visible as her mom jeans rode up her ankle. It was a lovely evening – around eight, the sun dipping behind trees and the dark sky only moments away from stealing the sunset and replacing it with the moon and stars. Ai smiled gently, linking up their arms and snuggling in closer. “We haven't done this in years.” he whispered, as if talking would break up a secret spell between them.

Violet hummed, sitting her head in her hand. “We haven't, have we?” she said softly, smoke curling off her lips. “Always busy, I suppose. Kids. Work. AWOL ex husbands. The usual.”

Ai sighed, squeezing her arm. “I miss you, sometimes. Isn't it weird that we lived in the same house for the first few years of our lives, then suddenly we move out and on? We don't share a bathroom or food or dumb gossip any more. We have our own lives all of a sudden, even though only a few years ago we shared the same one.”

Violet was silent for a moment, thinking this through. “Yeah.” she said softly, staring into space. “Yeah. That is weird. I'm a mom! Imagine me saying that to five year old you! You would think I'm nuts!”

Ai grinned, looking into his glass. “Yeah. God, imagine.” he raised it to his lips, taking a long, thoughtful drink. “We're OK, though. I mean, in the long run.”

Violet kissed his head, breathing in his usual smell of fruity conditioner and his squeaky clean home. “We've always been OK.” she whispered, closing her eyes. “You and me against the world, always. Even when we're old. Even when we're almost dead. I'll fight for you, and you'll fight for me. Always.”

Ai felt his heart swell. He and Violet. Them against the world. It's always been that way. When their parents divorced, when Violet took drugs, when Ai came out, when Violet got pregnant, when they both got married, when tragedy struck and when illness took over, they were both fighting. Because they loved each other, they respected each other, they needed each other. Without Violet, Ai didn't know who he could have leant on. Without Ai, Violet would have let drugs and drinking get the better of her. They were each others rock, each others best friend and each others guardian angel. That's why, when Ai heard about siblings falling out and never speaking again, or when siblings stole from or hurt each other, it shocked him. How could you hurt someone who came out of the same womb as you did? How could you be so cruel to your childhood friend? Your family? It didn't make sense to him.

And it was in special moments like this, snuggled under a blanket, overlooking the sunset, Violet with her nose pressed into his hair and his head in her shoulder that he loved her the most. She may annoy him, he may annoy her. There have been arguments and there have been fall outs, but they always made up. They always put love first. And Ai was thankful for that.

He could have never asked for a better friend than his own wonderful, beautiful, courageous sister.

So when he breathed in deeply and finally told her about Momo, he knew she was going to become hostile and protective, asking provocative questions which made Ai shuffle awkwardly in his seat, but her smile behind her cloud of cigarette smoke was unmistakable. She was happy for him. And that was all that he was looking for.

Aaron came out at around half eight, crouching on the doorstep with a can of soda in his hand, arms crossed over his knees, watching the siblings talk and laugh together, his mind wondering to whether he and Heather would be like that one day – grown-up. A bond like glue. Laughing and joking about grown up things under the twilight. He smiled to himself, looking up at the sky. He really hoped so.

“Oi, Aaron,” his mother said, beckoning him over with a twitch of her hand. “Come here.”

He did as he was told, standing over them awkwardly. “Wassup, Mom?”  
She pulled him in for a hug, one thin arm wound around two broad shoulders, kissing his face all over. “I love you, honey.” she mumbled between pecks. “You're a lovely boy. My lovely boy.”

Ai watched as Aaron struggled against his mothers unconditional love, unable to not think about Momo and his daughter as she did so. He adored her. He poured his heart out for her. He would walk to the ends of the Earth for her. That's a love he will always yearn to feel. The love of a parent. The love that makes you cheer them on even if they do terribly at a sports event. The love that makes you tell them a terrible drawing is beautiful. The love that _oozes_ when they make you proud. The love that explodes out of your chest in a horrible row when they have done something that could put them in danger, but they don't understand that you're angry because you love them, because they could have gotten hurt, or worse. The kind of love that Ai felt when he saw all of his kids in his kindergarten class.

The love was not of a parent, but it was paternal. He cared for each and every one of them. He beamed with pride when they finally spelt a word right, his heart warmed when they read aloud, his spine tingled when they learnt something new and couldn't wait to show him. He could see the children, he could see their futures map out before him, all because he gave them that first wobbly, clumsy step forward in life.

All because he loved what he did. All because he loved them.

He thought of Maddie again. Her enthusiasm as she showed him her new dance moves, the way he saw her glow with pride as he cheered her on. Her kind words to the tiny cat her father had saved. Her beautiful eyes that showed him she was going to grow to be someone incredible _,_ someone Momo could be even more proud of than he already was.

She was a tiny person that needed to be nurtured, needed to be taught amazing things so she could become amazing herself.

He looked at Aaron now. All grown up, into sports and girls and food and loved his family and friends. Ai remembered him being Maddie's age – all doe eyes and blonde curls, tugging on Ai's sleeve and begging him to read to him every night he stayed over. He remembered snuggling up with him and Heather, teaching them new words and making worlds they never knew existed come to life through the power of a story book. He could feel their eyes glow in the softness of their night light, their lips wide with smiles. Aaron loved that story telling, he loved reading, he loved new words. He loved to learn. Heather loved to learn. Maddie loves to learn. Maybe different things, but knowledge was knowledge, and that's what Ai wanted to spread.

So, if he felt so much love from it, so much joy, then why did he stop?

Why did he let the death of someone who loved children, who loved Ai for sharing knowledge with children, stop him from carrying on his passion in this world, what he was destined to do?  
He watched as Aaron kissed his Mom's cheek, then come towards him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and suddenly drawing him in. Ai smiled. He was already bigger than him. Where did six-year-old Aaron go?

“Do you remember those books I read you?” Ai asked all of a sudden, smiling at him.

Aaron crouched beside him, moving his arm from around his shoulders and resting them on his knees. “I dunno. You've read me a lot of books.” he grinned. “But I could never forget that one night when you said to me I could read aloud instead because your throat hurt. And you sat by me as I read, and I remember you mouthing the words along with me. And I kept looking, I kept checking if I was doing it right, and when I did you always had that lovely smile on your face, like you were really proud of me, and you would nod your head when I looked a bit worried, as if you were encouraging me. And when I got a word wrong you always gently corrected me. Like, you know how teachers are always patronising when you're a kid? You were never like that. You were sick at that.” he shrugged, suddenly embarrassed. “I don't remember the book, though.”

Ai blinked at him, stunned he even remembered that. He'd just turned seven, and he was excelling in class with his reading, telling everyone that ' _My_ uncle taught me that big word!'. “How do you remember that?”

Aaron shrugged again, a small smile on his face. “I dunno. Good things stick with you.” he took a sip from his can. “And you're a good teacher.”

Suddenly, Ai's heart began to glow.

_'You're a good teacher'._

He was a good teacher. Someone who was now grown up, in his first year of High School, remembered him teaching him something. He remembered him as a _good teacher_.

He thought of being considered a good teacher to all of those little kids at Maddie's school. Brand new to the world of learning, all wide eyed and innocent, clumsy and naughty and happy. All of them tiny new people that needed to grow, that needed to develop, and Ai would be there, for that first step, to push them forward. That was all that he wanted in life. To continue to teach generation after generation of children. 

All of a sudden, he was licking his lips, opening his mouth and saying: “Right. That's that then.”

Mother and son blinked at him, clearly confused. “What?” Violet chuckled.

Ai sighed, knitting his brow together. “I've been thinking about when I used to teach. I went on a date with Momo yesterday, to the national park I always go to. And I was thinking about the kids I used to take there. How much I loved teaching them. And today, he was telling me about an opening, at his daughters school, for a kindergarten teacher.” he looked up at Violet, smiling slightly at her. “So I'm going to apply. It's been long enough. I want to teach kids again. I want to make them happy.”

* * *

 

Maddie had fallen asleep in the car on the way home, her plaits were all unraveled and her pinafore was covered in chocolate from her grandmother's brownies she'd managed to smear all down herself. Momo smiled gently at her, watching as her head lolled and chest rose and fell, all the love in the world filling in his chest for his little girl, before pulling himself together, unbuckling her from her car seat and shifting her onto his chest, her head resting in the crook of his neck, camel length eyelashes brushing his skin. He grabbed her dance kit and slung that over his shoulder, before shutting his car door and walking towards Gou's front door. The lights were on in the lounge, and Momo could see Gou sat in her work clothes, legs crossed in a tight pencil skirt, hair piled on top of her head, brow furrowed and shoulders tensed up. He sighed sadly at the sight, pressing his fingertip against the doorbell.  
“Oh, look at her.” Gou said softly, watching their daughter suck her thumb, her short legs wrapped around Momo's torso, tiny socked feet without shoes. “Our little girl.”

Momo smiled wanly, unsure on how to react to the 'our' in her sentence. “I know, bless her. Straight to bed, I reckon.”

Gou opened the door wider, much to his surprise. “Would you do the honours? I'm...” she sighed, pressing her hand to her forehead. “A mess.”

Momo nodded, stepping inside and kissing Gou's forehead, nothing at all behind it, just a gesture in which he bestowed upon those who needed it. “We could talk,” he said gently, with a patient smile. “If you wanted?”

Gou hesitated, fiddling with her blazer – before nodding, closing the door behind him. “That would be nice. Thank you.”

After Momo had tucked a grumpy Maddie into bed, having to wake her to change into her nightie and have a visit to the bathroom, all done with tired complaints from both parties, he returned downstairs, knuckling his eyes and yawning deeply. “Aw, man, you wouldn't believe the argument Mom and Sei had today,” he began, walking into the lounge, and, noticing Gou wasn't there, collecting her empty mug and making his way into the kitchen. “He's properly moving to England next month. Him and Emily are getting married.”

“That's nice.” Gou was sat on the sofa in her conservatory, legs folded underneath her, head in her hand as she looked out of the window.

Momo watched on, rubbing his lips together. “Where's James?”

Gou shook her head. “I don't know.” she whispered, fiddling with the watch that James had bought her for her birthday on her wrist. “He's not come home since last night.”  
“Oh.” Momo said softly, setting the empty mug into the sink and walked towards the doorway. “Drink?” he asked, leaning against the frame, hands in his pockets.

Gou shook her head, placing her hands in her lap and twiddling her fingers. Momo took a seat beside her, leaning back into the leather and looking up at the night sky through the glass ceiling, only a few stars twinkling as dark clouds passed through. “Did you fight?”

“He struck me.”

Momo whipped his head around, eyes wide. “He _what_?”

Gou breathed in deeply, eyes closed and lips set tight as the reality of her relationship piled on top of her like bricks. “He slapped me and pushed me into the door. I have bruises on my arm, now.” she didn't look at him, only at her wrist, still fiddling with the watch. “I'm not usually so pathetic, am I? I've never been like this. I put you through Hell when we were together. Or we weren't. I don't really know, any more. I just wish...” she sighed shakily, closing her eyes. “I just wish I stayed with you. I wish Maddie had a proper family.”

Momo pulled her on her arm towards him, and she complied, collapsing into his chest and letting him wind an arm around her. “You're not any of that. James is a cunt. I have _told_ you, time and time again that he is an absolute piece of shit. You don't _need_ him. You never have. And after that, I hope you kick him out.”

Gou sniffed. “I want to, but he hasn't come back. I'm not going to put up with that. I will not let him go near our kid, not now.” she then began to groan, sounds of frustration and anger leaving her throat as she balled up her hands and hit herself on the thighs. “Why did I let him do that to me? Why didn't I fight back?”

Momo squeezed her tight. “How bad are the bruises?” he whispered gently. “Did he make you bleed?”  
“No.” Gou let out a gentle breath, pulling away from him and hanging her head. “The bruises are fine.”

Momo pursed his lips. “I don't believe you.”  
“Oh, come on, Momo, honestly--”  
“He's _hurt_ you. Let me see.”

Gou sighed deeply, unbuttoning her blouse and pulling down the right sleeve off her shoulder, revealing large green and purple bruises on her shoulder and upper arm, making Momo cringe. “Oh, shit.” he brushed them with his fingertips, before pressing his forehead against her delicate shoulder and cupping her elbow in his hand. “Why would he do that to you?”

Gou watched on, feeling a fool, feeling a failure, feeling as if she'd shown herself up. She's _never_ been like this. She's never felt so pathetic in her life. She was strong minded, strong willed, she had a good judge of character and never _ever_ let anyone put her down. She kept herself in the background. She may not say much but she sure as Hell spoke her mind when she needed to, and people listened. So why, right then, with Momo resting on her shoulder, did she feel so... useless? Why did she let this dampen her strength and pride as a young mother and business woman? Why should this shake her? She went to pull her shirt up, causing Momo to move away. “I'm being ridiculous.” she muttered bitterly, doing up her blouse. “I shouldn't feel so pathetic. I should just _get on with it._ Get rid of him. Move on. Lose myself in work and taking care of Maddie. Get Rin to hunt him down and _fucking_ kill him.”

Momo chuckled. He knew she was hurting, he knew she was putting it on, he knew she was frightened, he could see it as her hands shook when she stumbled on a silk button and in her eyes as she looked into his. He knew if he said anything she would snap his head off. But he couldn't help it. He cared about her, she was the mother to his child. He couldn't just leave it.

“Aren't you going to tell the police?”  
Gou stiffened, shaking her head. “They might take Maddie away.” she whispered, hands tight around her kneecaps. “I know she'll be safe with you, but this is her home. You know?”  
Momo did know, and it made his heart ache a little. His house, to Maddie, will never be a home. It's a weekend home, a holiday home, but not permanent, never something solid. He remembered all those nights when Gou was away on holiday and she had to stay with Momo, and she would cry and cry because she missed her mother. He held her, he tried his best to comfort her, but a father could never be a mother, and he knew that. He knew that Maddie loved Gou more, he knew that Maddie would choose Gou over him any day, he knew that Maddie was the love of his life but he was not the love of hers.

This knowledge upset him. It did. But he hid it. He hid it when she wept for her mother, he hid it when she didn't tell him she loved him, he hid it when she jumped out of the car after a weekend over and threw herself at Gou, holding on tightly, as if she regretted ever letting go.

Momo hid it now, smiling bravely and nodding slowly. “Yeah. I know.” he wound his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into him again. “If you won't go to the police, please tell someone. Rin will do. He'll know how to handle it. Don't keep quiet about it, OK?”

Gou nodded, sighing deeply. “He's not staying. He's never coming back here.”

Momo kissed the side of her head, rubbing her arm. “No. No, he better not. And you know I'll always be on hand if you need me to take care of Madison. Always.”

“I always need you to take care of her. I keep taking your life away from you.” she furrowed her brow. “How's Ai?”

The conversation took such a sharp turn Momo had to take a moment to think about what she'd just said. “Oh. Yeah, he's fine. I saw him today. He is really great.” he smiled, letting himself soften as his mind wandered to his silver haired neighbour with eight cats. “I really like him.”

Gou nodded once, feeling herself stiffen up again. “That's good. Good. I'm... I'm glad. He's a lovely guy.” she fiddled with her bangs. “He deserves the best.”

Momo nodded. “Yeah. He does.” he squeezed her again, but she pulled away, standing slowly and brushing herself down. He bit down on his lip. “What's up?”

She pulled the clasp out of the back of her head and let her hair fall in crimson waves, tumbling over her shoulders and down her back, shaking her head as she rubbed the back of it, where it had been pulling all day. “Nothing.” she sighed, smiling down at him. “Nothing at all. You got work tomorrow?”

Momo nodded. “Yeah. I'm back at the middle school for soccer first thing.” he sat his head in his hand, watching her pull her masses of hair over one shoulder, so she could rub her shoulder, wincing as she did so. “Backache?”  
“That's an understatement.” she mumbled. “It feels like someone's stabbing me between the shoulder blades.”

Momo smiled sympathetically. “Here,” he sat her back down and stood behind her, rubbing her shoulders over her blouse. “You're all knotted up.”  
Gou sighed gently, knowing that he actually was trained to do this sort of thing, being a sports coach and all, physiotherapy being a part of it, but he didn't really _have_ to give her a massage. In all honesty, she was half expecting him to tell her to take some painkillers. She winced as he hit where it was hurting her the most, thumbs digging into the sensitive part in her back. “It's here.” he said knowingly, as if he was magic. “It's cos you sit in that horrible office chair all the time.”

Gou hummed, feeling her blouse slip and slide over her back. “Know all.” she muttered, making him chuckle. “Can you do it without my blouse?”

Momo shrugged, as if to say it didn't bother him either way, so she slid it off once again, letting it sit at her lower back. Momo resumed his therapy, beginning to relieve the tension between her shoulders, making her sigh blissfully. “You did this for me when I was in labour. You remember?”

Momo smiled. He did, all too well. He would never forget those long, long thirty seven hours of long, God awful screams, cries and rows. When he and Gou were getting along, however, between yelling, contractions and insults, it was fine. They spoke like normal, playing cards and Tic Tac Toe, the two sat opposite each other on the bed as parents argued for them outside the hospital room, the midwife trying to get them to be quiet, for it was about three in the morning. After a long, horrible contraction, Momo asked if she wanted as massage to relax her. She had laughed and scoffed and told him to _shut up, you can't do a massage_. But he'd been learning, since he dropped out of school when he found out about Gou's pregnancy and instead started an apprenticeship. He had just finished his physiotherapy course and he was desperate to see if he could do it properly, to see if it really worked. Sure, he could take the exams and get the certificate, but could he _really_ do it? And right now, with Gou moaning about aching all over and sweating like a pig after another contraction, he somehow felt like this was the perfect time to test out his skills. Eventually she caved in, and it was the calmest half hour the two had shared during the thirty seven hours of actual Hell. She sat crossed legged on the bed as he stood over her, keeping quiet and still as she moaned in bliss when he hit the right places, until she had another contraction, of course, grabbing onto his sweat shirt and screaming at him that it was all his fault.

“How could I forget?” he smiled, pressing his palm into her shoulder, making her grunt. “You called me a bastard more times than I could count.”

Gou smiled weakly, feeling her eyes grow heavy as his hands began to relax her whole body. “You're not, though. I was just mad cos I had a baby coming out of me. You're OK, most of the time.”

“Thanks, babe.” Momo grinned, making her smile lift that little bit more. “You know how to make me feel special.”

They were quiet for a few moments, Momo going lower on her tiny back as he worked out her knots, her quiet moans the only sound breaking up the silence, before Momo tapped her bra clasp. “You want me to stop here?” he asked, hands on her shoulders.

“No, carry on, you're good at this.” Gou mumbled, moving her hands behind her back and undoing her clasps. “It's like having a masseuse.”

Momo shrugged, working his palm into the centre of her back. “I mean, technically, I am.” he smiled. “For sports injuries. I just happen to be good at back massages too.”

They were quiet again, Momo now breaking a sweat a little, her soft, creamy skin he hadn't touched like this for so long, mixed in with her little moans and her usual flowery smell, made him just a little nervous. His brain was sending him some mixed signals, and he couldn't help but wonder what all of this was for. Sure, her back might ache, he believed that, but she's never complained about it to him before. She knew he would do anything for her, and if she needed a massage he would probably give her one, no questions asked. They were friends, they always have been, and she's given him a lot in the past, and all he could do was give back, even if it just something silly like a massage. But then there was James. Jealous, possessive, and now, abusive, James. In Gou's mind, he didn't exist any more. They weren't together, he didn't matter to her. But right now, Gou was vulnerable. She was frightened. She was hurt. And she was sat in her conservatory, half naked, with her ex massaging her back. He didn't know what it meant. He didn't know what she was tying to do.

Confusion hitting him, he stopped. Gou mumbled something about carrying on, but he didn't. She raised her head, turning it towards him. “What's up?”

He nibbled on his lip. “Are you OK with this?” he said softly. “Me doing this?”  
Gou nodded, a small smile on her face. “Of course. Why wouldn't I be?”

Momo scratched the back of his neck. “I dunno.” he started again, being close to finished, anyway. “I just... It's weird. I haven't seen you like this for years and all of a sudden, here you are.”

Gou sighed breathily. “I guess I need you.” she whispered, wincing as he hit another knot. “You're so strong. Like a big, emotional rock. And I need that right now.”

Momo pressed a kiss at the back of her neck, sending a shock down her spine. “An irresponsible rock.”

“Yes.” Gou laughed. “But that's why I love you.”

Momo laughed, too. “I didn't know you loved me at all.”

She shook her head, letting her shoulders slouch. “I do. I love you.” she whispered, twiddling her thumbs. “I can't believe I've never told you.”

Momo shook his head. “Nope.” he patted her lower back, letting her know he was done. “You can put your bra on, now.”

Gou did as she was told, fixing her bra back in place, but keeping her blouse off for the moment, rolling her shoulders. “God,” she tipped her head back, smiling up at him. “You're magic.”

Momo watched her for a few moments, her hair touching her butt, her tired eyes and blissful smile, cheeks flushed with pleasure. He walked around her, smiling. “I'm glad you think so.” he returned to his seat, eyes drifting over the delicate bones that stuck out of her creamy skin, her soft breasts that sat snugly in a lacy green bra, and her trim tummy, which sported Maddie caused stretch marks. It has been a long time since he'd seen her this way. Vulnerable. Blissful. Tired. Scared. But still the same girl he had fallen for in High School, still the same girl he'd lost his virginity to, still the same girl who carried his child. Still the same girl he loved. He leaned into her, caressing her elfin face. “I love you, too.” he whispered, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “But I've told you that enough.”

Gou nodded with a smile, taking his hand on her cheek and squeezing tight. “Yeah.” she watched his eyes. “You have.”

Momo had no idea what happened, but she was kissing him, and he was kissing her back, without thought. Her lips felt the same as they did all those years ago. Like silk. Smooth and soft, you couldn't help but touch. She was warm, too, not just her lips, but her whole body, pressing it against his as she deepened their kiss, hands moving down his chest. He wanted to touch. He wanted to, so badly. The softness of her curves, the taught material of her skirt over her backside, the bare skin of her exposed back and chest. He wanted to press his lips on her neck and naked breasts and the inside of her thighs. He wanted to show her how he should of made love to her all that time ago. He wanted to prove something. How much he'd grown up, how much he'd changed, how much he'd learnt. He wanted to look down at her beautiful face as she lay beneath him once more. He wanted pleasure. He wanted _her._

But he couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to do any of these things. Even as she sat in his lap, his thigh feeling the warmth between her legs, hands up his shirt and tongue in his mouth, he couldn't do it.

He pulled away, shaking his head. “Sorry.” he whispered.

“What is it?” she said gently, moving her hands from his torso.

He looked straight at her. A beautiful, strong, and intelligent woman wanted to have sex with him, and he was saying no. An amazing woman, a woman he loved, wanted him, and he didn't want her. He shook his head. “I can't do it.” he pressed a kiss against her lips. “Not today.”

She lowered her eyes. “If not today...” she breathed, fiddling with his shirt. “It'll be never, you know?”

Momo chuckled, as if she'd told a joke. “How do you know?”

She sat back, looking him in the eye. “Because I know you. I know...” she sighed, taking hold of his hands. “I know how quickly you fall for someone, and I know that you are already ready to do that with Ai. It's all over your face, Momo. You're in love with him.”

Momo swallowed. He couldn't be. He wasn't ready. He didn't even know Ai, not properly. All he knew was what he's told him, and that's not enough to fall in love with someone, right? What made you fall in love, anyway? Why did you fall in love? And why did Momo have to fall so fast? All of what he'd seen of Ai that week – his smiles, his outfits, his laughter, his bright eyes and slight body. He felt something lurch in his stomach, something swell in his heart, but he never for one second thought it could be love.

He looked back at Gou, who was smiling sadly at him, eyes searching his face. She was right. She knew first hand what he was like when he was falling in love. So, why wouldn't she be able to see it now?

“God.” Momo whispered. “You're right. Fucking Hell. I love him.”

“Yeah.” Gou laughed, slightly deflated, hands still wrapped up in his. “I'm afraid so.”

He smiled sadly at her. “So...” he said, squeezing her hands.

“So.” Gou replied, squeezing his back. “It's never, then.”

Momo didn't want it to be never, but he knew she was right, again. The only reason why he and Gou never worked out is because Gou never loved him back, not how he wanted her to. But if he loved him back, he believed that would be it for them. Because, despite his panic, he was ready to settle. He was ready to find someone to come home to every night and wake up to every morning. The same face, the same voice, the same smile and the same kiss to greet him when he woke and bid him goodnight before he slept.

And he hoped, hoped with all of his heart, that it would be Ai.

Momo breathed out, pressing his forehead between Gou's breasts, making her giggle. “I don't want it to be never.” he mumbled, raising her hands to his lips and kissing them gently.

She felt her stomach roll as Momo lifted his head and pressed kisses on her breasts, moving his hands to her hips. “Then now.” she whispered, moving his head up, making him look her in the eye. “Tonight.”

He ran his hands down her thighs, every part of him wanting to say yes – _yes, yes, yes –_ and he couldn't think of a reason to say no. He and Ai weren't in a relationship. That's what he had to remember. That's why Gou was saying tonight. Tonight, or never. He grinned at her, gold eyes shining beneath the moonlight that shone through the dark clouds, wild and wanting, like a wolf on prey. “Yes. Yes. Tonight.” he mumbled, already pressing more kisses on her soft chest, the two falling into Gou's sofa, neither looking back for the rest of the night.


	5. Friday (PT 1) - 'Letting Go'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise in advance for this chapter lmao. It took me weeeeeeeeks to write and it's the longest thing ever??? 43 pages long. Wtf  
> I've decided to split it into two parts cos it's that hellish in length + I'm not too happy with the ending so  
> I would like to thank my spotify playlist for keeping me going and my friend sophie for encouraging me throughout this hell of a process (like it was actual hell to write i have been so tired rifp) but i wanted this to be perfect cos it's quite an important chapter  
> There is mild violence and reffs to homophobia  
> Happy reading!

**Friday**

 

Early morning sunlight danced throughout the room through the gaps in the blinds, beams of it warming Momo's bare skin and illuminating his tan complexion. He held up his arm, examining it in the crack of light, moving his wrist, this way and that. His freckles, his muscles, his hairs, his scars, his moles. Squinting at every tiny detail as he fought through the cloud of sleep in his head. He splayed out his fingers, turning his head and watching as the sunlight flared between each gap.

Something moved beside him, and he turned his head, arm dropping over the side of the bed.

“Shit.” he mumbled, tired mind suddenly very awake.

Gou was fast asleep, arm wound around her pillow, yesterday's make up ringing her eyes and hair up in a top knot, her breaths slow and even. He then noticed she was wearing his t-shirt, and, when he pulled back the covers, a pair of panties. He looked down at himself. Jeans. Jeans? Why was he still wearing his jeans?

He rubbed his eyes, racking his brain, trying to remember what had happened the night before. Did they or didn't they?

“You don't half talk in your sleep.” Gou mumbled into her pillow, a small smile on her face, hand pressing against his thigh. “G'morning, handsome.”

Momo sighed, laying his hand over hers and squeezing gently. “Morning.” he rubbed his cheek, mustering up the courage to ask the next question. “So, uh, last night--”

“Yeah, last night.” Gou yawned, sinking down beneath the covers as she stretched her arms over her head. “Thanks for falling asleep on me, prick.”

“What?” Momo began to chuckle, scratching his bed head. “No, I didn't.”

Gou sat up on her elbows, frowning at him. “Yes, you did. Totally zonked.” she sighed heavily, throwing back the covers and standing up straight, lifting her arms and pulling her elbows behind her head, the t-shirt lifting over her bum. “I can't believe you. Honestly! Anyway, you got work this morning, right?”

Momo stopped staring at her silky green thong long enough to reply. “Mm.” he mumbled, eyes travelling from her perky butt cheeks to her thighs, skin creamy and smooth, then back to her ass. “Idiot.” he muttered, feeling himself begin to yearn.

Gou turned her head, dropping her arms. “Hm?”

He grinned, looking her up and down again, glint in his eye, one that made Gou's hair stand on end. “Nothin'.”

“Hey,” she pointed at him, cross mom face on, making Momo laugh. “None of that.”

“What?” he asked innocently, laying back in her pillows. “You look good. Can't I appreciate that?”

She tweaked his soft black t-shirt at the hem, looking down at her feet instead. “I bet I look a state.” she muttered, rubbing at the make up beneath her eyes. “You have to go, come on.”

“It's only six.” he moved across the bed, sitting up on his knees and grabbing her hips, making her squeak, cheeks flushed. “I'll make up for falling asleep on you.”  
“Mo...” Gou mumbled, gasping as his lips met her stomach, lifting his shirt over her torso, revealing all that was marvelled last night. “You're a little shit.”

He raised his eyes, winking at her, causing her stomach to flutter. She let his lips move up her tummy, each kiss sending shocks that were felt in her fingertips and toes, going up and up until his t-shirt was on the floor between them and Momo's lips were pressing kisses against her left breast, hands moving up and down her thighs and hips. Momo pulled on the waistband of her underwear, inviting her onto the bed, lips moving from her breasts to her neck, her breathing getting heavier.

“Mo,” she whispered, knotting her hand in his hair. “James is coming back.”

“Mmhm.” he mumbled, moving his hands to her ass and pulling her into his lap, squeezing appreciatively.

She tilted her head to the side, watching him kiss down her body, feverish and passionate, her skin tingling in so many places and head filled with so much ecstasy she didn't know how she couldn't have stayed with him longer. He squeezed her ass again and she moaned, head rolling back. “Mo, fuck, I mean...” she pushed him down, hands either side of his head, breathing heavy. She watched his smirk grow, gorgeous eyes moving over her flushed face, sunlight making the gold shine, and she forgot what she was about to say. “Fuck. Fuck it.”

Momo laughed, pulling her down and smashing their lips together, the two losing themselves in each others embrace, warm hands and soft lips and smooth skin, all in need of being touched and kissed until they couldn't take it any more.

They were so enthralled with each other neither heard the car roll up outside, or the front door go, but the voice downstairs was unmistakeable.

“Gou? Are you here?” James called through the house. “I'm a bit early, but...”

“What the fuck?” Momo hissed as Gou pulled away from him, eyes wide. “Gou--”  
“Shut up!” she snapped, pressing her hand over his mouth and staying still, listening to him move around the house – before she climbed off from on top of him and frantically began to change. “Right, get out.”

Momo sat up on his elbows, watching her pull on a fresh camisole over her head, shaking his own. “You knew.” he whispered accusingly, rolling off her bed and shoving his t-shirt back on. “You knew he was coming back.”

Gou squared her shoulders. “That's not fair.” she snapped, turning towards him as she pulled on a pair of discarded jeans, narrowing her eyes at him. “He lives here.”

“Not any more!” he hissed, shoving his feet into his sneakers and shrugging on his jacket. “You said you kicked him out!”

Gou nibbled her lip, face guilt ridden. Momo rolled his eyes, running a hand over his bed hair and sighing deeply. “You idiot.” he tucked his hands in his pockets – phone, keys, wallet – and shrugged. “I guess I'll go, then.”

She tried to argue back, but James' footsteps were making their way upstairs, and as quick as he had climbed he was standing in the doorway, looking between Gou and Momo, eyebrows raised.

“Oh, yeah.” he leant against the doorway, arms crossed. “I leave for the night and you go crawling back to him.”

Gou winced at his words, both the sharpness and truth hurting her a little. “It's not like that.” she said softly, eyes lowered.

“Right, so why is he standing in our bedroom at six in the morning? Just a drop-in?” he pushed away from the door frame, walking towards them. “I'm not stupid.”

Momo narrowed his eyes at him. “You may not be stupid but you sure are a fucking psycho. Why did you think it was OK to hit the mother of my kid, huh?” he snapped, squaring up to him, chest out. “You don't hit women. You respect them. Do you understand that?”

James smirked. “You don't think I respect my girlfriend?”

“I don't think you respect anyone, to be quite honest. You're a coward. An absolute coward. So you hit women to make you feel powerful, yeah? Make you feel like the big man. But it makes you look like an absolute dick head. OK?” Momo could feel the anger bubbling up inside him as he watched the bored, disinterested eyes of the man before him, blue iris' so cold Momo almost shivered. “Now, get out of her fucking house.”

James grabbed Momo by the collar of his jacket, their noses almost touching, fist hovering in mid air.

Momo found himself laughing. He didn't know why, he was terrified, but his whole body was raring for a fight. “Like I said.” He grabbed his arm, pushing him away. “Coward.”

James let him push past, but as he walked onto the landing, he felt a huge hand grab him by the shoulder, twist him around and before he knew what was happening he was on the floor, blinding pain rocketing through his face, blood gushing from his nose.

“ _MO!_ ” Gou cried, shoving past James and kneeling beside him, twisting his face to where he'd hit him, cheek swollen, blood dribbling. “What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?”

“He wants a fight, he'll get a fight.”

Momo shook his head, wincing as Gou touched his face. “I don't want a fight, dude, I want you out of this house.” he muttered, voice husky. “You get out and never come back. I don't want you anywhere near my kid, do you understand?”

James gave him one last, horrible look, before marching downstairs and slamming out of the house. Momo leant forward, hand over his nose, trying to stop the blood flow. “ _Shit_.” he hissed, gripping onto Gou's arm. “God, he can throw a punch.”

Gou helped him up, his arm over her shoulder, his whole weight leaning against her as she guided him downstairs, his head reeling. She plonked him down on a kitchen chair, pushed his head between his knees and told him to stay that way until she'd found the First Aid kit.

“I'm sorry.” Gou kept saying, opening and shutting draws, rustling around through papers and kneeling on the tiles to search through cupboards. “Shit, I'm so sorry.”

Momo couldn't talk. The tissue he'd been handed was now soaked with blood, and he felt sick to his stomach, whole face pulsing with pain. Gou raised his head again as soon as she'd found the kit, bathing his grazes when falling with antiseptic and holding ice against the swelling on his face, stroking his hair and trying her best to calm the shock in his system. “It's OK. It's OK.” she said softly, holding him to her chest and pressing her nose into his hair. “I'm so sorry.”

“Quit apologising.” Momo mumbled, pulling away from her and sighing deeply. “It's not your fault.”

Gou sighed, cupping his cheek and kissing his forehead, making him wince. “Are you OK to get home? Do you want to stay here today?” she asked softly, scanning his poor face. “Oh, God. You're all bruised already.”

Momo smiled weakly at her. “I'm fine.” he moved the ice away from his face and stood slowly, grimacing as his face ached. “I can get back, it's not far. I'll call you, OK?”

Gou nodded, hands holding onto the tea towel full of ice and smiling sadly back. “OK.”

Although his home was only a few miles away, it felt it took an age for him to get back, even though the roads were empty and only a few pedestrians were dotted about, his head reeling and all what he saw was double. He eventually made it home without incident, practically falling out of his car and stumbling to his door, hand to his forehead. Collapsing into his sofa, he managed to call in sick to work before passing out, whole body exhausted from rushes of adrenaline and shock.

* * *

 

Seven on the dot, Ai was awake. A terrified, anxious Ai, thoughts plaguing him with taunts and images that would happen that night if he didn't do this or that. He rolled over, placing his hand on his bedside table, in search for his list. As soon as fingertips met paper his mind relaxed a little, leaving him alone for a moment or two.

He sat up slowly and slipped his glasses over his eyes, blinking away the heaviness of sleep, trying to focus on the handwritten words before him.

 

**TODAY YOU MUST:**

  * **Clean the bedroom**

  * **Clean the bathroom**

  * **Clean the lounge**

  * **DO LAUNDRY**

  * **Have breakfast**

  * **Take pills**

  * **Call doctors**

  * **Brush the long haired cats**

  * **Gardening – front yard**

  * **Have lunch**

  * **Take pills**

  * **Have a bath**

  * **Get ready**

  * **See friends**




**TODAY YOU WILL:**

  * **Be confident**

  * **Be asked questions**

  * **Answer those questions**

  * **Not panic**

  * **Not run away**

  * **Not be frightened**

  * **Not be crazy**




**TODAY WILL BE:**

  * **good.**




 

Ai sighed, placing the notebook on the side and staring at his hands for a bit, unsure on where to start, unsure as to whether he even wanted to start anything today, but his body was already pulling him out of bed and starting to clean his room whether he liked it or not, organising things for the laundry, rearranging books and his clothes, before moving downstairs with laundry basket in hand, starting up the washing machine, then collecting what he needed to get scrubbing and didn't stop until all four things on his list were complete. Once he'd hung his washing out in the backyard to dry in the morning sunshine, he returned indoors and made himself some breakfast. Jet hopped up on the side, watching him butter toast.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Ai greeted him cheerfully, holding out his hand, a dab of butter on his fingertip, which he licked up appreciatively. “I shouldn't do this, but you're so good.”  
Jet pushed his head against Ai's hand, purring loudly, making him grin. “Oh, sweetie. I can't believe no ones claimed you yet!” he leant down and pressed a gentle kiss against his head.

He sat at his kitchen table and munched on his toast, fiddling with his phone. A text, from last night, just after he fell asleep, from a number he didn't recognise.

 

 **UNKNOWN CONTACT:** hey there, Rin here, long time no speak. Just letting you know that I'm coming tomorrow night, and I can't wait to see you. I'm sorry it's been so long. Been pretty rough for us all, huh? We can talk later. See you soon x

 

Ai was shaking. He didn't know why this freaked him out so much, but it did. He and Rin were best friends for a long time. So long, in fact, he didn't know when their friendship began. But he knew that he loved Sousuke as much as he did, and his death tore them apart. Rin left. After the funeral, he left the country, to clear his head, to find something new, to start again. He returned a year later, when Ai had only been released from the hospital for a few months, and Rin tried his hardest to get in contact with him, but it was damaging for his health. He couldn't take it. To see his sad face again, his broken heart in his lovely eyes and the soul wrenching sounds of his sobs that echoed in the church at his funeral, gripping onto his sisters hand so tight it left grooves in her skin.

Now, all of a sudden, he was there. In his phone. A text. A lovely, short, simple text.

And he found himself calling him.

It rang, and rang, and rang, and when Ai thought he was never going to get an answer, a voice was heard. “Hello, stranger.”  
His voice. His friendly, hoarse voice. Ai felt tears scratch the back of his throat as he replied. “Rin.” he breathed, pulling his knees to his chest, heels of his feet balancing on the edge of his chair. “Oh, God, Rin. It's so good to hear your voice.”

Rin laughed, and Ai's heart soared. He missed him. He missed him _so fucking much_ his heart ached as he felt a Rin-sized hole make itself known at his laughter. “You too.” he heard him whisper in disbelief. “I can't believe it's you.”

Rin sniffed, and Ai found himself in tears, weeping down the line to him, which set Rin off, beginning to sob himself, the two helplessly emotional at the best of times, and hearing each other for the first time in years hit them so hard it knocked the sadness and relief right out of them. Then Rin began to laugh, which made Ai laugh, and they were such a mess neither knew what to do with themselves.

“You're making me cry at work,” Rin chuckled, sniffing hard. “Why are you crying?”

“Because I... I missed you. I've only just realised how much I've missed you.” he half wept, half giggled, wiping his eyes, knocking his glasses askew. “I... I'd forgotten how you sounded. It's nice.”

Rin snivelled, and more tears fell. “God, shit, I missed you, too. Fucking hell, Ai, where have you been?” he breathed.

Ai shook his head, resting his chin between his knees. “Hiding away.” he whispered, rubbing his bare leg. “I'm sorry, Rin. I'm sorry I made it so difficult for all of you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were all his friends, his best friends, I don't know why--”

“Oi,” Rin interrupted, voice kind, but firm. “It's grief, right? It's shit. It's not your fault.”

Ai felt hot tears spurt down his cheeks. “I didn't talk to any of you.” he said softly. “I don't know why.”

Rin sighed, a sad smile on his face. “Because we remind you of him.” he said gently, and as soon as he'd said it, Ai knew he was right.

All of them – Nagisa, Rei, Rin, Haru, Makoto – reminded him of Sousuke. Little things they did, little things they said, language and movements picked up from their oldest friend. They all held the same memories together, they all shared the same connection with him, and it hurt. It hurt to look them in their eyes and see him there, too. It hurt so much that he let them go, so he could heal. But, so it seemed, that only made it worse.

“Yes.” Ai whispered, wiping his cheeks again with his sweater sleeve. “You do.”

They were quiet for a few moments, thinking the same thoughts and wishing they could say things that were not sad or nostalgic. “Do you miss him?” Ai asked after a while, closing his eyes.

Rin chuckled. “Once in a while. I sometimes think I can hear him, you know. Like, I do something stupid and he calls me out on it.” he grinned, and Ai couldn't help but laugh weakly.

“Yeah. He loved doing that.” he nibbled his lip. “It still hurts.”

“Yeah.” Rin agreed, tone a little melancholic. “Course. He loved you. Like, a fuck load. He talked about you all the time. And when you got married he told me that it was the best decision he'd made in his whole life.”

Ai felt his heart ache, fresh tears welling in his eyes. “Oh.” he breathed, voice shaken. “Really?”

“Yes.” Rin chuckled. “And he would be devastated to know what this has done to you. He hated to see you upset. He would hate it even more if he broke your heart.”

“He hasn't.” Ai murmured, staring at his feet through his tears. “I just miss him. So much. But he isn't here. He never will be here. And... Rin, I made myself sick because I thought he would come home. I waited months for him after he died.”

Rin breathed out. “Yeah. I know. I know, Ai.” he rubbed his lips together, brow knotted. “Why are you fighting this on your own?”

“I...” he began, holding himself tight. “I don't know. I just... I don't know.”

“Well,” Rin grinned. “You're getting us back now. And I hope we can help you get through it.”

Ai cut off the call once they'd said their goodbyes, and placed his phone down on the table, face down, staring off into space, not really sure what to think about the whole conversation. He didn't break out of his daydream until the cat flap snapped shut and Ginny began to whine.

“OK.” Ai sighed, still rather distracted, picking up his empty plate and sticking it in the dishwasher. “Here.”  
He poured dry food into the bowl nearest to her and ran his hand over her smooth fur. He stood up straight and placed the bag of food back in it's place, before standing on his tiptoes and retrieving his small box of prescription pills, which were all almost empty. His SSRIs had been keeping him well for months, but taking them twice a day everyday was kind of taking a toll on him. He tipped his doses into the palm of his hand and swallowed them with a gulp of water, wincing as he felt them travel down his throat.

“Have you seen your psychiatrist recently, Aichirou?” his newest doctor asked, after waiting a long time on the phone for her to pick up, listening to crappy elevator music whilst he was on hold. “I know I can authorise your prescription but maybe you don't need them any more.”  
Ai hummed, chewing on his thumbnail. “I don't know if I--”

“I'll get you an appointment with him. Are you still going to your therapist?”

Ai frowned. “Yes. I'm seeing her next week.” he rubbed his arm. “So, prescription?”  
“Yes! Yes, as usual, Aichirou. But it has been a long time.”

Ai didn't reply, just let her bang on a little longer before confirming he'll pick his medication up that afternoon. He then spent the next few hours brushing his fussy cats and tending to his yard, pulling weeds and taking care of his flowers. He glanced over at Momo's house once or twice, half expecting him to come outside and greet him, maybe pop out to take his dogs out or something, but he never did. Disappointed, he moved into the back yard, going to retrieve his watering can from his shed, and when he returned, he saw Momo leaning over his garden fence, sunglasses over his face, holding two bottles of lemonade, smiling right at him.

“Hello,” he greeted, voice husky, Ai catching himself thinking how sexy that was and blushing hard. Momo held out a bottle towards him. “Working hard.”

Ai smiled shyly, the gesture so kindly he couldn't help but feel butterflies fill his stomach. “Thank you,” he said softly, accepting it from him. The bottle was cold against his hand, condensation wetting his fingertips, and Ai only then realised how thirsty he was. “No work today?”

Momo shook his head, sitting it in his hand, watching as Ai sipped from the bottle, so delicate in everything he did it mesmerised him. “Nah. Called in sick.”

Ai raised his eyebrows, blinking at him. “Are you?” he asked, immediately pressing a hand against his forehead, making Momo laugh. “You are a little warm.”

“It's because,” he began, moving Ai's hand away from his face and slipping his glasses down his nose, revealing the dark bruising around his eye and nose, making Ai gasp. “I've been fucked up.”

“Oh, _no_ ,” Ai whispered, caressing his swollen cheek as gently as he could, making Momo wince slightly. “What happened to you?”

Momo shook his head, pushing his glasses back over his face. “Gou's boyfriend did.” he grinned at Ai's scrunched up face, eyes concerned and brow furrowed in worry. “I'm fine! Don't look at me like that.”  
“He punched you in the face!” Ai cried, touching his face again. “Why? What did you do?”

Momo shrugged, taking a drink from his bottle. “Nothing. Well, not _nothing--_ ”

“Did you do something with Gou?” Ai breathed, eyes wide, unsure on how to feel about that if it were true.

“No!” Momo waved his hands, shaking his head. “No. Well--”  
Ai furrowed his brow. “ _Well_ what?” he demanded.

“I mean... We kissed.”  
Ai's mouth dropped open. “You _what_?” he cried, hand tightening around his lemonade bottle. “You _kissed_?”

“Whoa, Ai, calm down, it's not like we're together. It was nothing. Honestly.”

Ai felt as if Momo had just tore his heart out of his chest. “What's _that_ supposed to mean?” he urged, eyes narrowed at the ones behind black out lenses. “It's the principle, Mo! You don't just... _kiss_ the mother of your child! Who has a boyfriend! Who is your ex! Who you used to have sex with! What the _Hell_ , Momo!?”

Momo sighed, letting his head fall into his chest. “I know.” he muttered, sighing deeply. “I know.”

“But _do_ you?” Ai breathed, more disappointed now, than angry. “I know we're not together properly but that doesn't mean you can just kiss anyone you want. _Especially_ your ex. No wonder he punched you, you idiot! I would have, too!”

Momo stood up straight, running his hand through his hair. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.” he bit down on his lip. “I'm sorry. I didn't think.”  
“Of course you didn't think. Idiot.” Ai slapped him around the head. “Idiot!”  
“Ow!” Momo nursed where he'd hit him. “I hit my head there.”

“Good!” Ai cried, hitting him again, this time on the arm. “I really like you, but you just... Idiot!”

“Ai, come on--” Momo tried, rubbing his arm.

“Shut up.” Ai warned, scowling at him. “Don't talk to me.”

Momo grimaced, his words sharp and unforgiving. “What about tonight?”  
“Tonight?” Ai repeated, blinking at him. “Tonight isn't about you. I can go on my own.”

Momo squared his shoulders. “Please, Ai, let's just--”

Ai turned away from him, chest aching, anger turning to tears, pricking his eyes as he walked away. “Don't talk to me!” he reiterated, loud and authoritative, slamming into his house and leaning against the back of his front door, tears spilling down his cheeks, not knowing why he was so upset, not knowing why this hurt him so much, but it did, and he slid down the door as his chest began to ache, lemonade bottle held tight in his hands.

* * *

 

Picking up medication for his patients was more than boring, and Nagisa often found himself almost falling asleep as he awaited medicines and pills and lotions, wondering why he'd ever decided to do this in the first place. He was stood last in line, uncomfortable in his nurses uniform, constantly looking at the little watch on his chest and sighing heavily each time. Although it was quite warm outside, the pharmacy was _freezing_ , the air con on full blast, Nagisa having to pull on his ugly navy cardigan, with unravelling cuffs and washed out baby sick stains that it had gained over the years, the only thing in his wardrobe that was neutral enough to be work appropriate.

He was just glancing at his watch again as the door went behind him. He lazily looked over, barely paying attention, then looking back at his watch – before taking a double take, the person registering in the library of old faces he had in his head. Small, slim and slightly bewildered, Ai stood at the shelves holding painkillers and band aids, brow furrowed, fiddling with his glasses as he read labels. Nagisa was speechless for about 0.2 seconds, before he burst into hysterics, bounding toward him and throwing himself at him, the whole pharmacy staring at the commotion before them. Nagisa swayed with him, unsure as to whether he was laughing or crying, and Ai did not even have time to process what was happening before Nagisa pulled away and kissed him hard on the lips in pure joy. A little old lady sat in a chair clapped her hands at them whilst others continued to gawp. Ai stared at him, mouth parted a little in utter astonishment, whilst Nagisa giggled, taking his hands and squeezing them, hard. “Hey!”

Ai was still unable to process who this was standing before him. All dressed up in a neat uniform, seeming to have put on a bit of weight since he last saw him, everything about him soft and cuddly, like an excitable teddy bear. His unruly blonde curls were pushed back with a thick white headband, beautiful eyes wide and sparkling, pretty lips that were just on his split into a grin that reached ear to ear. He blinked. “Nagisa?”

Nagisa nodded, swinging their arms. “Yes! It's me!” he embraced him again, holding on tight, nose in the crook of his neck. “You look well.”

Ai felt Nagisa's soft hair tickle beneath his chin, his warm skin on his neck as he pressed his face against it, his strong arms as they held his body as tightly as he could, and what he felt was not sadness, or guilt, or heartbreak. All he felt was love. Love in which he had missed feeling, love in which only a friend could make you feel, love that he always felt around Nagisa Hazuki. Their friendship had always been soft giggles and impromptu sleepovers and juicy gossip. It smelt like the strawberry bubblegum Nagisa always chewed and the vanilla hand cream Ai used to wear. It tasted of smoothies and shared ice cream sundaes and sugary soda. It was all boy talk and glossy magazines and dancing to silly pop songs at almost midnight, the both of them feeling so in love, so invincible and so young the real world felt non existent as they laughed the night away in Nagisa's cosy little room full of soft toys and posters of rock stars he used to fancy.

And as he held Nagisa back, all of these memories came flooding back to him. All of the jokes and the cuddles and the bubblegum pops, the late night conversations and the comforting warmth that came with Nagisa Hazuki's love.

“I love you.” Ai found himself whispering, burying his nose in his soft curls, breathing in its sweet, fruity scent.

Nagisa felt tears prick behind his eyelids, and he squeezed him tight as they spilled down his cheeks. “I love you.” he mumbled back, smiling against his skin. “I promise. I _love_ you.”

Once their emotions had stopped running rapid and Nagisa felt he'd cried himself out, they stood in line together, which had, unfortunately, become longer after their much needed reunion.

“Hows work?” Ai asked, smile shy, knowing that this was what neither of them wanted to talk about, but it felt appropriate after the outburst.

Nagisa rolled his eyes, making Ai laugh. “Fine, I _suppose_. I don't deliver babies at the moment. Which sucks because I have to do this stuff instead,” he sighed heavily, waving the prescription slip around. “Home visits for poorly mom's. I get to check up on the babies, see how they're doing, which is so lovely. They're all so happy! All cute and bubbly. Have you ever held a new born baby?”

Ai shook his head. “I can't say I have.” he then furrowed his brow. “Well, when my niece and nephew were born, but I don't think they counted.”

“Oh, it's lovely.” he then pouted, tilting his head to the side. “I want a baby.”

Ai began to giggle, fiddling with his glasses. “Does Rei?”  
“ _Does he_?” Nagisa repeated, clearly exasperated. “He would not give up his job for a second!”

Ai smiled fondly. “I suppose giving up position as a doctor is kind of hard for a few weeks, especially if he has specific patients.” he said gently, and Nagisa shrugged, obviously dissatisfied with his answer.

“Whatever. I look after them all the time, I suppose.” he looked a little sad for a few moments, before pulling himself together and smiling back at Ai. “So, have you gone back yet? Teaching and stuff?”

Ai shuffled his feet a little awkwardly, looking down at his clasped hands, and Nagisa shook his head. “That wasn't the right question, I'm sorry--”  
“No. No, it's OK.” he said gently, but he still wouldn't look at him. “I just... Momo gave me an application for an opening at his daughters school for a Kindergarten teacher and--”  
“Momo?” Nagisa breathed, blinking a little, quite stunned at this action made by him. “How often do you see each other?”  
Ai furrowed his brow. “Well, we're neighbours, so quite a lot.”

“Well, yeah, obviously, but is it like...” he raised his eyebrows, smirking a little, and Ai must have gone a hilarious shade of red, because Nagisa was doubled over, gripping onto Ai's wrist and squeezing it tight.

“ _What_?” Ai hissed, eyes darting around them, slightly embarrassed, although the whole pharmacy had just witnessed them kissing, so a loud chortle was practically nothing now. “What's so funny?”

Nagisa shook his head, grinning at him. “Nothing! Nothing,” he moved his hand and squeezed Ai's fingers. “It's _sweet_. Momo's a lovely guy.”

Ai found himself grinning back, and he wasn't sure why. “Yeah.” he then remembered the mornings incidents, causing his smile to falter. “Well... We kinda argued this morning.”  
“Already?” Nagisa giggled, and Ai nodded solemnly, nibbling his lip.

“He told me that last night... ugh, I don't know. It shouldn't upset me like it did, but he kissed Gou last night, and I don't know what to think about it.”

Nagisa widened his eyes, hand over his mouth. “What?” he nibbled his lip. “What kind of kissing?”  
“I didn't want to know.” Ai muttered bitterly. “It could have been anything, but he didn't come home last night, so--”

“Oh, shit!” Nagisa hissed, hand to his heart. “You don't think they--”  
“Don't!” Ai breathed, feeling his chest tighten. “He's not... He's not that kind of guy.”

Nagisa nodded. “No, you're right, he wouldn't.” he pressed a finger against his lips. “Although...”  
“Although _what_?” Ai urged, eyes wide.

Nagisa shrugged, tucking his hands in his uniform pockets. “I dunno. He's like, in love with her, right? Well, from what I know, at least. And they have a kid. So...” he raised his eyes to the ceiling, shoulders back. “It could of happened.”

Ai felt a little bit sick. He thought about the possibilities of Momo sleeping with Gou when Nagisa was ordering his patients medication, regretting even telling him about it, because he _always_ made him think about things with his careless thoughts and open opinions. That's how it had always been, now he thought about it. Ai could state something, a worry about his school work, an insecurity, a doubt about Sousuke – and Nagisa would say something to throw him off, something to make him think - sometimes it would be good, and other times bad. This time, as he nodded numbly to the questions the pharmacist was asking him about his medication, it was most certainly a bad thing. They sat together as they awaited for their prescriptions to be called, and Ai asked him if he thought it was awful that Momo might have slept with someone else.

“I dunno.” he sighed, sitting his head in his hand, watch him carefully. “How serious are you?”

Ai shrugged, fiddling with his satchel strap. “Not at all, really. We've been out twice, but...” he struggled, feeling himself burn, and Nagisa grinned, nudging him gently.  
“You really like him!” he teased, and Ai heard a little thirteen-year-old Nagisa in his head squeal the same thing, making him smile.

“I _don't._ ” he protested, but he knew that Nagisa knew that he was lying, otherwise this whole concern about Gou would not be happening. “I mean... Of course I like him, but... Not _that_ much.”

“O-K,” Nagisa sang, smiling sweetly at him. “I believe you.”

Ai blushed, hands tightening around his satchel strap. “I feel like...” he began, brow furrowing. “I feel like he doesn't know that his actions have consequences, you know? Like, he's just drifting about. He's young. Really young.”

“Yeah?” Nagisa giggled. “So are we.”

“But he's like a teenager. It's like he never grew up.” Ai sighed deeply. “He's so... loud and care free. Like it doesn't matter. Nothing matters, unless it's... _good._ Unless it's happy.”

Nagisa tilted his head, blinking at him. “Isn't that what you need?”

Ai turned his head sharply, expression defensive. “What?” he shook his head. “What do you mean?”

“He's like a little happy-go-lucky puppy dog, isn't he?” Nagisa said affectionately, smile kind. “Maybe he'll bring out something in you. All that happiness you've missed. You know?”

Ai squared his shoulders, fiddling with his specs. “That's if I ever talk to him again.”  
“Oh,” Nagisa grimaced. “Yeah. Right. But, if he hasn't done it, you will, right?”

Ai shrugged. “Why does it matter to you if I do or don't?” he said softly, beginning to unravel. “It's not like we're friends any more.”

Nagisa felt his heart ache a little as he said those words, face crumpling in devastation. “Is that what you think?” he whispered, voice hitching slightly as tears scratched the back of his throat. “Ai--”

“I cut you all off because I didn't want conversations like this to happen any more. I cut you all off because you care too much and you love too much and you all... you all have parts of him inside of you. You all look like him or talk like him or do things like he did and it...” he sniffed, and he felt Nagisa's hand wipe away a tear that he didn't know was there. “It ruined me. It was damaging me. Being friends with you meant loving you and _still_ loving Sousuke and I didn't _want_ to love him any more. He's dead, Nagisa. He's dead.”

Nagisa nodded, taking his trembling hand and squeezing it in both of his. “I know.” he whispered, a sad smile on his face. “I know. But it's OK, you know? It's OK to love him still. He loved you. He still does. And he must be pretty pissed off with the lot of us for letting you push us away.”

Ai let the tears fall, in the middle of a Pharmacy, waiting for the pills that kept him sane, holding the hands of someone he hadn't spoken to for years, and despite the odd circumstances, he felt something in his heart light up, just a little bit.

“Do you speak to him?” Nagisa asked, smiling bravely. “Sometimes that helps with grief. And you could write him letters. Maybe you could call his mom. I bet she would like to speak to you.”  
Sousuke's mom. She was an odd character. She was nice enough, but something about her didn't sit right with him. He'd always felt that she didn't like him, and even in his death she didn't talk to him. At the funeral she completely ignored him, isolating him from the rest of Sousuke's family, making him feel as if he didn't belong there. His dad was even worse – barely even spoke to him throughout the time they were together. He didn't even look at him at the funeral.

“I don't know.” Ai whispered uneasily, squeezing Nagisa's hand back, whose heart leapt a little at the tiny gesture. “Maybe...”

“I could take you.” Nagisa insisted, pretty eyes sparkling. “You know where she lives, right?”

Ai nodded numbly, a little surprised at this sudden offer. “Of course I do.”

“Right!” Nagisa kissed his cheek. “We're going. Today. Before we meet everyone else. I get off work at three, I'll pick you up at yours, and we're going. OK?”

Before Ai could protest, Nagisa's patients name was called and he hopped up, accepting the package after some security questions and saying goodbye by blowing him a kiss and waving his hand. Ai sat there for a few moments, trying to take in what had just happened and what he had just agreed to, before giving up completely and collecting his own medication once his name was called.

* * *

 

“Any more surprises?” Ai announced to his home as he flung open the front door, half-expecting Nagisa to be crouched behind it, waiting for him to come home.

He did not get a Nagisa, but, instead, Jet came running downstairs, a little black ball of fur on legs hurtling at full speed towards the open front door. Before he knew it, Jet was out, and his heart filled with a cold dread.

“Hey!” Ai dropped his bag and ran after him, hands ready to grab as he jumped atop of the garden fence. “Come back here.”

Jet jumped off the fence and ran into the street, across the road, and into the neighbours yard. A dog began to bark. Ai threw open his garden gate and ran across the road himself, before standing behind the neighbours fence, watching with baited breath as Jet approached the dog kennel, his whiskers twitching.

“Oh, God,” he unlatched the garden gate and crept up behind him, managing to grab him before he slipped out from underneath him. “Gotcha!” Ai whispered, clasping his fluffy body to his chest and going to exit his neighbours garden. “Right, you naughty boy, let's get out of here.”

“You there!”

Ai winced, turning his head and smiling uneasily. “Hiya, my cat escaped, I had to get him.” he tried, looking as apologetic as possible, the old woman's face not at all forgiving.

“You and those God damn animals.” she grumbled. Her cheeks kept moving, as if she was chewing something, and her thin lips were painted coral pink, which had leaked into the cracks around her mouth. “They take shits in my yard!”

“I'm so sorry,” Ai said gently, trying to keep her anger on the lowest level, but she seemed to be at boiling point. “I can't stop them, but--”

“Of course you can _stop_ them,” she cried, her voice shrill, making Ai grimace. “By getting rid of them! They're nasty creatures, killing all sorts.”

Ai held Jet protectively against his chest, completely shocked at the woman's words. “What? I can't!Look, I'm sorry they choose to poop in your yard, but I can't do anything about it.” he squared his shoulders. “Excuse me, I have to go home, now.”

“I'm in my right mind to shoot those awful things! Don't think I won't! Next time they're in _my_ yard, _BANG!_ Right between the eyes.” she tapped her forehead, face contorted in rage. “Dirty animals.”

Ai stuck his tongue out at her as she slammed the front door shut, clasping a quivering Jet tight. “Don't worry, hon,” he sighed, stroking his soft head as he left the grouchy old woman's yard. “She doesn't mean it. I bet she doesn't even have a gun.”

As he was about to enter his front yard, Momo's door opened and two excited dogs spilled out, pulling Momo along on brightly coloured leashes. Ai stood, watching him lock his front door and laugh as Sundae wrapped himself up in his fluorescent pink leash. _How could he?_ Ai thought, soothing Jet's tremors with gentle pets. _How could he kiss her? Doesn't he like me? Is he pitying me? Is he just playing with me? Does he just want to sleep with me? What's his game?_

“Ai!” Momo greeted, waving a large hand in his direction as his dogs pulled him along.

“Ugh,” Ai huffed, letting his face fall into a frown. “What do you want?”

Momo raised an eyebrow. “Sorry. I forgot you weren't talking to me.” his eyes lowered to the kitten in his arms. “What're you doing with Jet?”

“He escaped. That crazy old lady over the road said she would shoot my cats if she saw one of them in her yard again.” he shuddered, clasping Jet close again. “I hope she doesn't mean it.”

“It's probably an empty threat.” he said gently, smiling a little uneasily at Ai's disgruntled expression. “Uh... Can we talk?”  
Ai shrugged, not looking at him, but at Jet instead, running his fingers through his thick fur. “Depends.”

Momo pulled back his dogs as they began to walk on, bored of the awkward exchange between the two men. “Come walk the dogs with me. We can talk then.” he tried, crouching as Toffee wrapped himself up in Sundae's leash. “We can stop for coffee somewhere, if you want.”

Ai felt his heart ache a little at the invitation. It was another date. Despite what he'd done and despite what he'd said, Momo thought another date would be appropriate to fix his actions. And, much to Ai's dismay, it was kind of working. He seemed so desperate for forgiveness and understanding, like he needed...

He needed Ai.

Ai's heart skipped at this thought, watching him as he stood at full height again, eyes on his, one side swollen and bruised, his poor eye bloodshot, whilst the other shone with sincerity, determined to make this right, determined to have Ai _see –_ whatever that may be. Momo rubbed the back of his neck, the front of it beginning to turn red as his cheeks flared. “I really, really like you, Ai.”

Ai widened his eyes, jaw slack, blinking at him as he turned a darker shade of red. “You what?”

“Don't make me say it again.” Momo chuckled, letting his hand fall. “You... You said it earlier, and it really... it made me think. You know, about what I did. I should of considered your feelings. I'm really sorry. Like, _really fucking sorry._ I really, really like you, Ai. I want this to work out. I want us to... you know... be a thing. Like, you're my boyfriend, or... something...” he trailed of, biting his lip as he looked down at the floor, scratching the back of his head.

Us _._ Boyfriend. _My boyfriend._ It was Ai's turn to go bright red, hiding behind his hand as he fiddled with his glasses, beginning to stammer. “Momo, I... I honestly had no idea you felt... like that... I--”

“Don't.” he grinned sheepishly, looking up at him again. “Let's walk.”

Ai grimaced. “I'm sorry, I wish I could...” he shook his head as Momo's face dropped. “It's not you, honestly, I'm... I'm visiting someone.”

“Right.” Momo smiled bravely at him. “OK. Well... I'll leave you to it. Do you still not want me to come tonight?”

Ai rubbed his lips together. “I think...” he breathed in. “I want to do it by myself.”

Momo grinned. “OK! That's good!” he gave into his dogs tugs, holding onto their leads tight and beginning to walk. “See you later, then!”

Ai grabbed his wrist before he could walk away. “No kiss?” he asked, smiling gently.

Momo beamed like a goofy schoolboy that had been caught out pulling a stupid prank, a huge bout of happiness hitting him as Ai's pretty blue eyes shone behind his lenses. He kissed his lips softly, half of him being tugged away by his dogs, the other being anchored by Ai's grip on him, their lips smiling as they shared more and more warm kisses. After a few moments, Momo's dogs eventually won the tug of war and jerked him away, Ai giggling and waving as Momo ran off with his excitable pups.

“You idiot.” Ai whispered, kissing Jet's head gently and smiling into his fur, stomach fluttering as he replayed Momo's red face and desperate eyes as he blurted his feelings, erasing any doubt from his mind.

_I really, really like you._

_I want us to be a thing._

_My boyfriend._

Ai felt like hopping and skipping all over the place, but, instead, he returned the traumatised kitten inside, placed his new medication in the appropriate boxes, and cleaned his hands, even though he didn't really feel like he needed to. He then re packed his bag for the evenings events, feeling his heart thud hard and head begin to buzz as he shoved each item inside.

_Bad._

_It's gonna go bad._

_Rin's lying. He hates you._

_Nagisa's pitying you. He isn't really your friend._

_Makoto and Haru won't talk to you._

_You didn't even go to their wedding._

_What sort of friend are you?_

_You're not their friend._

_They hate you._

_They all hate you._

“Leave me alone, you big bully.” Ai snapped, scowling darkly. “You don't know _anything_ about my friends.”

_You don't have any friends._

“Shut up!” Ai hissed, and as he shoved the last thing into his bag, a horn went off outside.

Nagisa's car was tiny. Or that it was normal sized, just the amount of junk fit inside of it made it look small. The back seat was full of bags of paperwork, odd pens and pencils, notebooks, spare clothes, two tote bags holding binders, a laptop bag and empty coffee cups and water bottles. The pockets in the doors were filled with empty food packets, as well as old road atlas', packets of latex gloves, CDs and a pair of sunglasses. Ai's feet were cushioned by a collection of magazines and a sweater, which Nagisa had absent mindedly told him to kick out of the way. His rear view mirror had many tiny soft toys and a Yankee candle air freshener, which apparently smelt like cupcakes, dangling off of it. Ai sat awkwardly in his passenger seat, bag held to him for a little bit of comfort as the amount of clutter in the car riled up his anxiety, fingers itching to reach out and clean. Nagisa was still in his nurses uniform, but his hair had been freed from the headband, his curls framing his soft face. They had only been driving for about five minutes, not even out of town yet, when Ai decided that he hated being in this car, and he couldn't ride for another forty minutes with all of this stuff surrounding him.

“Sorry,” Ai eventually breathed over Nagisa's non-stop chatter. “Can you stop?”  
“What?” Nagisa asked, and when he noticed Ai's uncomfortable expression, he complied, pulling into a gas station, parking his car and turning off the ignition. “What's wrong?”  
He had to be honest, otherwise it would quite literally kill him if he did not address the issue head on. “I can't sit in this car.” he said plainly, clutching his bag tight, unable to touch anything else in the space he was sat in.

Nagisa blushed. “I'm sorry, I keep forgetting to clean it. Rei hates it, too.” he sighed, looking all around them. “God, this is so embarrassing.”  
“No!” Ai cried, shaking his head. “Please, don't be! It's just me. I hate clutter and your car is the picture in the dictionary beside the definition.”

Nagisa burst out laughing. “Rude!” he cried, acting offended. “I can't believe you said that.”  
“It's true!” he replied – but he began to giggle too, easing at Nagisa's light heartedness. “Do you _live_ in this car?”

“Practically,” Nagisa grinned. “I always hide in here when Rei's in a mood with me. Oh, no, open the glove box.”

Ai did _not_ want to open the glove box, but he did so very gingerly, careful of sticky stains or anything of the sort. It popped open and out tumbled a toothbrush and a travel sized tube of toothpaste, as well as sun cream, deodorant, hand cream and a tube of lip balm. Ai held up the toothbrush, a questioning look on his face. “What in the world?” he snorted, which made Nagisa blush.

“OK, so... Sometimes... I do things... in this car...” he began, running his fingers over the steering wheel. “That neither me or Rei are proud of...”

Ai dropped the toothbrush, face twisted in disgust, mouth wide open, making Nagisa burst into fits of laughter, hand to his stomach. Ai was cleaning his hands with hand sanitizer when he returned to his senses, making him splutter a little bit more. “I'm joking, of course. He will not step foot in this vehicle. No, sometimes I just forget to brush when I'm on a really early call. Sorry!” he sang, and Ai grabbed a magazine from beneath his feet and whacked him with it, making Nagisa double over.

“Right, I'm going to clean this car.” Ai announced, flinging open the car door and stepping out.

Nagisa blinked at him, stunned. “Right now?” he asked, and Ai nodded, pulling packet after packet out of his side pocket.

“Yes. I can't sit in a car like this. I will have a panic attack.”

Nagisa, deciding that cleaning his car was more important than his friend going into panic mode, hopped out of his side and began clearing his side pocket. They companionably ordered things in the front, placing all useful things (which was not much) neatly and orderly in the glove box. Side pockets were for CDs and maps, Ai explained, and everything else belongs in the glove box.

“ _Bin_ everything else.” Ai ordered, dropping his candy wrappers and chip bags into the trash can beside the store. Nagisa organised his work things in the back whilst Ai sorted everything else, binning empty things and useless things.

“Well, well, well,” Ai laughed, waving around condom packets. “What a weird thing for a midwife to be carrying around.”  
“Hey,” Nagisa scolded, snatching them out of his hand and tucking them in his breast pocket. “You never know.”

Once the car was a little bit cleaner, Ai could sit back in the passenger seat with a little more ease than before. He even had space at his feet to squeeze his bag. Nagisa returned from the gas station store with a new car freshener in the shape of an ice pop, which smelt like strawberry bubblegum.

“OK.” Nagisa smiled, starting his car up again. “Cleaner car, cleaner mind?”

Ai nodded, sitting back in his seat, his panic having subdued for now. Nagisa nodded his head, pulling out of the gas station and starting on the road again. “Good.” he breathed out in relief. “Good.”

The journey for the most part was actually kind of fun. Ai had forgotten how energetic Nagisa was, even when he was driving he couldn't keep still in his seat, using his hands to talk and wiggling his shoulders along to songs on the radio. He'd also forgotten how much he used to make him laugh, all of his little anecdotes and jokes bringing big smiles to his face and laughter to spill over his lips, so much so his cheeks began to ache at the amount of grinning he made him do. He was so light and bubbly, Ai didn't know what he had done without Nagisa for so long. He made him forget about things, he made his thoughts seem like minor inconveniences, the two drowning them out with loud singing and laughter. He made his heart swell and his soul glow. He'd forgotten what it was _like_ to be friends with someone. He'd forgotten what it was like to be friends with Nagisa.

“Do you remember those sleepovers we used to have?” Ai asked, smiling as Nagisa started to grin.

“Yes! They were the best. My mom still asks about you.”

Ai winced a little bit. “What do you say?”  
Nagisa shrugged, sighing gently. “Nothing really. Just that you're still going through a lot of grief. She understands. She wants to see you, sometime. And your mom! We should double date! How cute!”

Ai could just imagine the four of them sat around Nagisa's mom's kitchen table, sipping coffees and eating her homemade goods, just like they used to. Well, Nagisa and Ai would dip into the kitchen, collect their drinks, shovel down a few cookies and skitter back upstairs again whilst their mothers gossiped. This thought made him giggle a little. “Yeah. That would be nice.”

They were quiet for a few moments before Nagisa dropped another story on him. “Oh, did I tell you I delivered my sister's first baby?”  
“ _What_?” Ai cried. “ _No_.”

“Yes!” Nagisa laughed. “Home delivery. By accident. Her midwife got _really_ mad at me for not taking her to hospital but she was practically giving birth on the kitchen floor because she thought her waters was just a pee. Don't ask me how she got that wrong. Rei was there. And so was her husband. Went _perfectly_. Well, Rei almost fainted and her husband was completely useless, _but_ the baby was perfect. She's almost one now. Her name's Rosie.”

Ai blinked at him in amazement. “That's incredible.”  
Nagisa shrugged, as if it was nothing. “There's nothing more special than seeing the baby, all new and weepy and weird looking. Bringing a new life into the world. It's amazing. And then you hand them to the parents, and they're _so happy._ Like, you can _feel_ the pride radiating off them when they hold their baby for the first time.” he sighed dreamily. “I was in tears when I delivered Rosie. My niece. My first niece, screaming her tiny lungs out and completely beautiful, even covered in blood. And Rei, Rei never really understood why I did what I did, especially since I always took late or very early shifts and he never used to see me, because when he was off, I was on, visa versa. It annoyed him, actually, and we used to fight about it, ironically when we had time together, _every time_.

“But when I handed my sister her baby for the first time, and he saw the look on her face, he sort of gave me an understanding smile, and he kissed me even though I was all sweaty and gross and covered in my sisters blood. Then after the ambulance had taken her and her husband to hospital, he told me how amazing it was to watch me do such a thing as deliver a child. He said I'd just performed a miracle and I seemed so neutral about it. I just told him I do it everyday. You get used to it. When we got home he told me that since he's seen me do such an amazing thing he felt he fell in love with me all over again. And the arguments just sort of stopped.”

Ai was listening intently the whole time, on the edge of his seat. “Whoa.” he breathed, blinking at him. “Crumbs. That's amazing. You completely changed Rei's mind. Wow.”

Nagisa found himself giggling at his use of 'crumbs', the old friend who refused to curse still buried away in there somewhere. “Yes. I did. And I am pleased!” he grinned, feeling his tummy flutter at the memory. “I think we should deliver babies together more often. It really rekindles the romance in the relationship.”  
Ai grimaced, making Nagisa laugh. “If that's what made it work I dread to think what it was like before.”

Some of the car journey was quiet, the two sitting in companionable silence as the radio played, Ai preparing himself for what could be another healthy step in his process of 'letting go', or whatever his therapist liked to call it. He'd begun to scratch his hands as his anxiety got worse, unaware of how hard he was being until Nagisa rested his own hand over them, squeezing tight before letting go, hand back on the gear stick. “It'll be fine.” he said gently. “Do you want something to play with to distract yourself? Take this.”

He slipped his hand into his uniform pocket and placed an eraser in the shape of a penguin in the palm of Ai's hand. “His name is Edmund. He's for good luck.”

Ai peered at the little creature. He was an emperor penguin, possibly a little worn, and covered in little fluffy bits from being in Nagisa's pocket, but the gesture was so sweet he almost began to cry. He rolled Edmund around in his hand, wondering how many times Nagisa had done the same, wishing that he believed in lucky charms and superstitions that he hadn't made up in his own head, because he really needed that comfort.

“Is it working?” Nagisa asked, smiling sweetly.

Ai squeezed the penguin in the palm of his hand, feeling the beak dig into his skin. “Not really.” he smiled weakly. “This sounds mad, but I have to hurt myself. Otherwise the thoughts get the better of me. And that means I shut down.”  
Nagisa nibbled his bottom lip, feeling a little at loss. “Thoughts?” he asked, brow furrowed in concern.

“Intrusive thoughts.” Ai said softly, rolling Edmund's fat body between his fingertips. “I can't control them. I wish I could, but I can't.”

“I see.” Nagisa nodded, rubbing his lips together. “So... Do you have a coping mechanism? Something to distract yourself when they get bad? Like... instead of hurting yourself, you could... I don't know...”

“It doesn't work.” he sighed. “I just... I don't know, I talk to them. I tell them to shut up.”  
“And does it work?” Nagisa asked, and Ai nodded, squeezing his hands together.

“Sometimes.” he whispered, looking at his feet, not wanting to see the look on Nagisa's face. “But I only do it when I'm alone. I mean, when I was in the hospital they were _really bad._ And you know those horrible portrayals of mentally ill people on TV? When they're muttering to themselves? That was me. Because they just wouldn't _stop._ A constant drone. Clean your hands. Clean them again. Wash your face. Wash it again. And again. You're dirty. If you don't do this your mom will die. If you don't do this you'll get sick. Etcetera, etcetera.” Ai sighed heavily. “The hospital was probably the worst I've ever been. I was so... broken.”

Nagisa winced, guilt squeezing his heart as he thought of that terrible phone call from his sister and the reluctance to see him because of something so petty as not talking to him for a few months. He actively ignored his friend in his time of need, he let him push him out of his life. He let his best friends mental health deteriorate so much he ended up in a hospital with chemical burns and voices in his head, all because he was hiding behind his immaturity to not call him back, when the real truth was that he was scared. He was scared of what he would see.

He felt sobs rise in his throat, and all of a sudden he had fat tears rolling down his cheeks, the guilt so harsh it made his whole body ache.

“Nagisa!” Ai cried, panicked as the car began to swerve. “Jeez, stop the car!”

Nagisa pulled over into a small side street, parking up on the curb and letting his whole body convulse with ugly sobs, hiding his face behind his hands as he let himself weep. “I'm so sorry,” he cried into his hands, chest squeezing. “I'm so, so sorry. I'm a horrible, horrible person.”

Ai stared at him, unable to speak. Nagisa raised his head, looking straight at him, nose bright red and running, lashes sticking together as tears fell. “You were right, earlier. I'm not your friend. I've been horrible and immature and disgusting to you. None of this is your fault. It's mine. I can't believe you've been fighting this all by yourself. Sousuke, your illness, being on your own for so long. What the fuck have I been doing? I've been pretending nothing is wrong, like I've got it all perfect. [I](mailto:I@m)'m disgusting. I'm so sorry I left you all by yourself.”  
Ai blinked at him, mouth slightly agape. “Nagisa, I--”  
“No,” he said softly, shaking his head. “Don't say anything.”

The two sat in complete silence, letting Nagisa's desperate words settle. Ai took Nagisa's hand and pressed the penguin in his palm, closing his fingers around it. “You're not horrible.” he said gently. “You're a lovely person. All you do is help people. You're helping me right now.”

Nagisa shook his head, wiping his cheeks hard. “All this time, you've been living in that exact same house you and Sousuke lived in. All this time, I could of visited you. Sent you a letter. Let you know I was thinking about you. Because I do, all the time. I think about Sousuke, too, and his lovely face and how much he loved everyone. How much he loved you. He used to carry us around on his shoulders when we got too drunk. Do you remember?” he giggled weakly as Ai nodded, smiling. “And at your wedding, I sat in his lap and he kissed me on the head and told me that he would never forget someone like me. I didn't know what he meant. I wish I asked now. Then we danced together because you and Rei were being boring at the bar. He was a really awkward dancer. It was nice, though. He gave me a big bear hug and told me he loved me. That was the last time I saw him.”

Ai smiled wanly, feeling tears prick his eyes at Nagisa's last moments with him. “He did love you. He thought you were great. Like a puppy, he said. He also said you and Rei would last a lifetime if you worked at it.” he sighed shakily. “Don't blame yourself, OK? We were all going through the same thing. We all cope with it in different ways. Maybe you had to forget about me to forget about him.”

Nagisa felt as if Ai had just stabbed him in the chest, the pain at his words bringing fresh tears to his eyes. “No. No, Ai, I've never forgotten you, not for a second. We were best friends! And best friends should stick together and I totally messed that up, didn't I?” he sighed deeply, wiping his eyes again. “No... No, Nagisa--”  
“I... I just couldn't handle you being sick.” he blurted, eyes shut as more tears spilled. “I couldn't cope. I was... I was scared. Terrified. I didn't know what you were going to be like. I didn't want to see someone I loved so much become someone I didn't know.”

Ai widened his eyes at him, stomach squeezing. “Nagisa--”  
“I'm selfish. I-I-I'm a horrible friend.” he stammered, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “You don't deserve that. You deserve a friend who understands. You deserve someone who can help you. I... I _can't._ That's why I stayed away. I would just make it worse. It's not your fault. It's mine. I wasn't a good friend. I'm _not_ a good friend. I never have been. I'm sorry.”

Ai unbuckled his seatbelt, dug around in his bag, and retrieved his phone. Nagisa blinked at him, letting the tears dribble from his lashes. “What are you doing?”

“Look at this photo.” Ai demanded, shoving the screen underneath his nose.

It was the picture of them at the beach. Nagisa blinked at it, feeling his heart ache. “This was taken years ago.”  
“Yes.” Ai nodded. “Do you remember that day?”

Nagisa nodded, letting himself smile. “Yeah. Yeah, 'course I do.” he sniffed and wiped his eyes again. “We watched the boys surf, didn't we?”  
“Yes. And you gave me a friendship bracelet.” he smiled bravely as Nagisa's sad eyes lit up.

“Yes!” he pulled his keys out of the ignition and sorted through the millions of key chains. “Look!”  
Two bracelets were attached to a rose gold clasp, one a soft pastel blue, the other a sunshine yellow, with three beads on each, blue on yellow, and yellow on blue. Ai's heart flipped, taking them in his hand and stroking the beads. “Where did you find these?”  
“Rei and I were clearing out a few things and I found them in a box underneath our bed. It had those, some old concert tickets, and a really awful photo of us when we were in eight grade, as well as a load of other sentimental crap. But something made me keep these close. I don't know what.” he removed the blue one from his collection of key chains and handed it to him. “Now we can have matching key rings.”

Ai dug his keys out of his bag and tied the bracelet around the metal hoop, smiling as it fell perfectly between one of a kitten and one of an elephant. “You aren't selfish.” Ai found himself saying, holding his keys tight in his hand. “I would have run away, too.”

Nagisa didn't say anything, just fiddled with his key rings, his bottom lip quivering at Ai's soft, forgiving nature, feeling he didn't deserve it, but Ai was giving him his friendship once again, and he should take it, treasure it, never let it go, like he had done so carelessly before.

“It _is_ scary. I can't cope. Not a lot of people around me can cope. Even my _doctors_ can't cope. I keep getting new ones! I wouldn't expect you to carry everything for me, Nagi. I wouldn't expect _anyone_ to carry my illness for me. You're not my therapist, or a carer, or anything like that. You're not obliged to take care of me, just because you're a friend. Friend's are there for fun, and for a shoulder to cry on when a boyfriend dumps you or something. All you have to do is tell me if it's getting too much. I won't be upset. We can be friends from a distance for a little while. We're adults, now, after all. We've got stuff to do. So, please, don't blame yourself. I want us to be friends again. OK?”

Nagisa nodded, sniffing hard. “OK.” he whispered, smiling shakily at him. “OK.”

They sat and cuddled in the car for a very long time, neither saying a word, just a little snivelling into shoulders and tight squeezes which lasted a lifetime. Eventually they broke away from each other, wiping away tears for the final time and sharing a weak giggle, trying to calm themselves down. “Right.” Nagisa said, turning his key into the ignition. “Do you think we can not stop until we get to Laura's, now?”

Ai shook his head, making Nagisa giggle. “Well, we're almost there.” he sighed deeply. “Let's go.”

 

 


	6. Friday (PT 2) - 'Moving On'

The Yamazaki household stood as it had done for so many years – big, important, screaming out rich in every corner, with the sweet, homely touches in the hands of Laura, her lovely honeysuckle climbing the walls around the front door, her cherub statues either side the porch, her solar powered fairy lights in little jars on the window ledge. The plaque with the families names on still hung proudly off the side of the house – James, Laura and Sousuke.

He was an only child.

Nagisa stared at the building, breathing out in disbelief. “I didn't know his family was so rich. Damn.” he looked over at Ai with a cheeky grin. “I knew you married him for a reason.”   
“Shut up.” Ai let himself laugh at this, nudging him playfully. “He hated this house.”

They stared at it for a little while longer, taking in the fancy French windows and red brickwork and pretty flowers in the front yard. Nagisa's eyes drifted to the side of the house, and spotted a woman holding a washing basket, stepping out of the house through a glass conservatory, dark hair up in a top knot, turquoise summer dress blowing in the light breeze, slippers on her bare feet.

“It's her.” Nagisa whispered, tugging on Ai's sleeve. “It's Sou's mom.”

Ai stared at the back of her, taking in her height, her dark hair, her broad shoulders, all which Sousuke had inherited, and something inside of his heart began to twist. His mother. He hadn't seen this woman since she was on his doorstep all those years ago, looking ten years older than her age, breaking his fragile reality with a question of his possessions. The woman who made him feel lost at his own husbands funeral, the woman who gave him odd looks and off comments, the woman who Sousuke loved to bits, but had chosen Ai over her when it came down to it.

He pushed open the car door and hopped out, feeling the gravel crunch beneath the soles of his shoes as he walked towards her, sick to his stomach.

“Laura.” he said gently, knotting his hands to his front.

Laura jumped, whipping around, gripping a bed sheet close to her chest. Sousuke's eyes sparkled behind her rectangular lenses as she recognised the face, and all Ai could think about was how much he missed looking into that sad, sea blue.   
“A-Aichirou.” she stammered, . “Oh, Aichirou. Oh... God. It's you. It's...”

He walked towards her, an uneasy smile on his face. “Yes.” he said softly, wringing his hands. “It's me.”

Laura dropped the sheet into the washing basket and cupped his face in her hands, staring right at him. “Jesus.” she breathed. “I thought you disappeared!”

Ai shook his head. “No. Still here.”

She tapped his cheeks, smiling at him. “Well, you better come in!”

Nagisa and Ai sat awkwardly at the kitchen table whilst Laura bustled around her humongous kitchen, making coffee and preparing snacks for her surprise guests. The pair looked around the room, both of them spotting a family portrait hung on the wall beside a unit holding antique tea sets and a collection of dusty old books. Sousuke's father was sat in a posh leather seat, dressed in a blue suit, whilst his son and wife stood either side of him, Laura's hand holding his, herself wearing a navy gown, whilst Sousuke had his hand on his father's shoulder, wearing a matching suit to his. Whilst it was tacky when Sousuke was alive, his death now made it seem rather melancholic, a small tribute to him in the family home. A photograph stuck in a time most probably wanted to return to.

“Here we are,” she smiled, placing a tray in the centre of the table and taking a seat, distributing mugs of coffee between them. “Did you get here OK?”  
Nagisa and Ai swapped a look, making each other smile. “Yeah.” Ai replied, taking the drink politely and setting it down before him, knowing for a fact that he wasn't going to drink it, but he clasped the handle, as if he was.

Laura nodded. “Good. So,” she smiled a little tightly, making Ai feel quite uneasy. “Why come and see little old me? Though, little, not so much, and old, unfortunately so.”

Ai smiled sadly. “I just... I've been thinking about...” he struggled, frowning slightly. “I want to let go.”

“I see.” Laura blinked rapidly, his reply unexpected. “Right...”   
Ai lowered his eyes, staring into his drink. “Not that I want to forget, I just want to... let go. You know?” he looked up at her, noticing she was looking off into the mid distance. “Laura?”   
“Sorry.” she sighed gently, giving him a brave smile. “No, I understand completely. He would want you to move on.”

Ai chewed his bottom lip. He's heard that so many times. From therapists, mostly. _He would want you to move on._ Or, _he wouldn't like to see you like this. It's better to move on._ Or, _he's no longer here, Aichirou, just move on._

Move on. What did that mean, to move on? How do you move on when you're still stuck in the past? When you live in a fragile unreality that could be broken with a single touch? How do you move on when, even after three years, you're half expecting your late husband to walk through the front door with a bouquet of flowers and arms wide open? How do you move on when you're so trapped inside your own head that you cannot see what's on the outside?

“Does he?” Ai found himself saying, sitting up straight. “If he does, then why doesn't he leave me alone? Why do I still wait for him to come home? Why do I still love him? Why do I still need him?”

“Ai,” Laura said gently, reaching over and placing a elegant hand over his. “It's OK.”

“No. No, it isn't OK!” he snapped, knocking her hand away, making her recoil a little, shocked at his actions. “I can't love him any more. I can't take it!”

“How do you think I feel?” she breathed, beautiful eyes wide. “My only child. My only son, taken away from me at the age of twenty-two. Twenty-two! Barely scratched the surface of life, and he's dead. All because--” she stopped herself, pressing her lips together.

“Go on.” Ai urged. “It's my fault he's dead.”

Nagisa looked between them, alarmed at the rate the conversation was going at. “Hey! Ai, don't.”

“What?” he kept his eyes on Laura's, trying to test her, but he felt his anxiety was exposed as she bore into his gaze. “It's what she thinks. It's what she has been thinking since he died.”

Laura shook her head, looking into her drink. “You're wrong. I don't think that at all.” she smiled uneasily. “I just think... You got married too soon, it's like... you pressured him into marrying you.”  
Nagisa scoffed out loud, clearly finding this statement ridiculous, covering his mouth with his hand when Ai widened his eyes at him in desperation. He turned back to Laura, shaking his head. “He asked _me._ He wanted us to get married as much as I did.”

“Well, I don't think so.” Laura gripped her mug tight around the handle. “James knew it was bad news. Who knew it would lead to his death?”

Ai squared his shoulders defensively, feeling himself anger. “You know perfectly well James didn't like the fact that Sousuke was gay. And you know for a _fact_ that _you_ didn't like him being gay either. That's why you didn't like us getting married. That's why Sou didn't like living here. _That's_ why he wanted to live with _me._ Because you two are hateful people who pressured him into doing things he didn't want to do.”  
“I'm not homophobic, Ai, and neither is his father. But at twenty-two – that's too young. You don't know what you want when you're twenty-two. You don't know who you are.” she sighed deeply. “He could be alive, right now, if he hadn't met you.”

Ai froze in his seat, eyes wide.

_Yes, she's right. It's your fault he's dead._

_It's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault_

_it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault it's your fault--_

A gentle touch on his back bought him back to reality. “Ai, are you OK?” Nagisa whispered.

Ai had the pretty, lace table cloth bunched up in his hands, pulling it taut, as if he was trying to rip it apart, and he was biting his lip so hard it was bleeding. He licked away the blood, the metallic after taste making him feel sick. Laura was gone.

“Yes.” he lied, letting go of the table cloth and trying to regain composure, but it was impossible when his brain was telling him to cut his skin and scrub his hands until there was nothing left of them because it was _his fault._ He needed to punish himself all over again because it was _his fault his husband was dead. It was HIS FAULT!_

He began to breathe rapidly, whole body shaking and fog filling his head, unable to think straight.

“You're panicking.” Nagisa said gently, alarmed at his fast, laboured breaths. “Come on, outside.”

Ai let Nagisa guide him through the house and sit him somewhere outside, holding his trembling hands and telling him to breathe in for five, breathe out for five, doing it with him and encouraging him, like he would with one of his anxious mothers, always looking him in the eye, trying to keep him grounded.

“There, there,” he soothed, rubbing his arm as he began to finally calm down. “All better, now.”

Ai smiled wanly at him as his heart slowed to a regular pace. “Do you talk to all the boys like that?” he wheezed, throat dry.

“Ha!” Nagisa beamed, winding an arm around him and pulling him close. “Only the girls, actually. The ones in labour, that is.”

Ai giggled weakly, his head falling into his shoulder, letting himself process where they were sat. Nagisa had taken him into the backyard, sitting him on a garden bench that was facing the vast lawn and overgrown trees, obviously having been left untouched for a long time. He remembered sitting here with Sousuke when they had just started dating, and they were pretending to be friends during an awful family barbecue. Ai had his knees to his chest, watching Sousuke's family busy themselves with food and chatter, whilst Sousuke sat with his legs crossed at the ankles, one arm slung over the back of the bench, the other holding a can of soda, trying his best not to move his arm around Ai's waist, the two itching to touch each other, so close to breaking point. He'd never felt so uncomfortable in his life. They slowly inched closer together in that hour, Ai rearranging himself so he could fit snugly into Sousuke's side, Sousuke bringing his arm around his shoulders, trying to look as casual as possible. Whenever they were finally getting comfortable, someone would turn to talk to them, causing them to pull away quickly. Once the party had gone inside, they were able to let themselves breathe – Ai had never made out with someone for so long in his life. When Sousuke went to stop, pulling away half-heartedly and softly laughing in the way he does, gorgeous eyes half closed as he watched his boyfriends lips pout in protest, Ai would get even closer, eventually ending up in his lap, straddling him within an inch of his life, neither stopping to even breathe, hands in hair and on asses, greedily pawing each other in the dark of a Saturday evening, noises of a family that had no idea what was going on the background to grunts and moans.

“I first made out with Sousuke in this seat.” Ai announced, finding himself smiling fondly at the memory.

“Gross.” Nagisa teased.

Ai shrugged, brushing the wood lovingly with his fingertips. “A bit, yeah.” he grinned. “He popped a boner and I freaked so I pretended I got phone call off my mom to take me home.”   
“ _What_?” Nagisa laughed out loud, hand to his stomach. “Why didn't _I_ know 'bout this? I wanna know about your boyfriends boners.”  
Ai pulled away from him, raising an eyebrow. “Well, I don't want to know about _yours._ ”

“Why not?” Nagisa returned his look. “I could tell you some stories about Rei--”  
“I don't want to _know_ about Rei Ryugazaki's boners!” Ai cried, making Nagisa laugh even more, pushing him playfully with his shoulder.   
“I was joking.”

“No, you weren't.” Ai said.

“No.” Nagisa agreed, grinning at his unamused face. “I wasn't.”

They sat for a few moments longer, Nagisa resting his head in Ai's shoulder, both exhausted with the days events, and it was only half four in the afternoon. Nagisa interlocked their hands, brushing his skin gently with his thumb. “You wanna go home?” he asked.

“I don't know.” Ai whispered, furrowing his brow. “Where did Laura go?”   
“She just got up and left.” Nagisa shrugged, lifting his head and smiling sadly at him. “I kinda know why you didn't talk to her, now.”   
“Well, it's so strange. She used to really like me. And then when Sousuke proposed, she turned sour. Behind my back, not to my face. And Sousuke had a savings account, one that his grandma added money to every few weeks since he was born, and she left him a load when she died. So he decided to buy a house. For us. And when I asked him why he said he just couldn't live with his parents any more.” Ai shook his head. “I was none the wiser to what they used to say about me, so I was surprised, but it was so nice to move in with him. We were broke, for sure, but it was nice.”

“I remember the house warming party. Or was it an engagement party?”  
“Both, I think.” Ai laughed, fiddling with his glasses. “I think you guys were the only ones who supported us.”  
“Well!” Nagisa grinned, squeezing his hand. “What else can we do? That's what friends are for.”

Ai smiled back, and was about to suggest they left when the back door went and Laura appeared around the corner, holding a large box to her chest. She dropped it at his feet with a dull thud against the concrete. “I found all of this. It's been in the attic since he died. I think most of it belongs to you.” she cleared her throat. “James will be back soon. I think you should go.”

Nagisa and Ai stared at the moving box at their feet. It was taped up and labelled 'Attic', a little beaten up, but nothing out of the ordinary. Ai smiled up at her. “Right. I guess he has a problem with me too.” he let go of Nagisa's hand and lifted the box as he stood, sighing gently. “I probably won't come back here.”

Laura pulled her mouth into a straight line. “I'm not saying you shouldn't.”

“I know.” Ai shrugged with a sad smile. “It's my own choice.”

Ai sat with the heavy cardboard box in his lap as Nagisa pulled out of the Yamazaki's drive, the two of them sat in silence as they moved through the desolate road. Nagisa reached out and switched the radio on, filling the car with the voice of an annoying radio presenter who was interviewing a C-list celebrity neither of them particularly knew or cared about, but it was nice to have something going on in the background whilst the heaviness of the short visit settled between them. They eventually reached the town they grew up in, driving past their old schools, coffee shops they used to hang around, and the park in which Ai had taken all of those old photographs at. They hadn't driven through here on the way to the Yamazaki's, and Ai turned to Nagisa, giving him a questioning look. Nagisa smiled. “I just wanted to see.” he said softly, eyes distant. “Nothing stays the same, does it?”

Ai shook his head, crossing his arms over the box. “Do you miss living here?”   
Nagisa shook his head. “No. This place...” he sighed deeply. “This place didn't want us here, did it?”

Ai gave him a quizzical look, and Nagisa shrugged in response, not looking at him. “We were ridiculed. A constant drone of slurs and disrespect and... I don't know.” he nibbled his lip. “We all needed to get out of here, didn't we? We needed to leave to be.”

Ai stared at the passing houses as Nagisa's small car drove on. “Makoto and Haru used to live here.” he said gently, unable to spot their respective houses as they went by in a blur. “And Rin and Gou lived the next street over.”   
Nagisa had a little lightbulb moment at the mention of the Matsuoka's names. “Oh, yeah, have you seen Momo since this morning?” he asked, grinning when he noticed him begin to flush.

“Yeah.”

“And?” Nagisa urged, beaming at him.

Ai shrugged. “He apologised and said...” he nibbled his lip, suddenly growing very shy about Momo's messy words. “That he could be my... boyfriend...”  
“ _Oh, my God_ ,” Nagisa giggles were tipsy, grabbing Ai's arm and shaking him, making him snort. “That's _so cute_!”

“Shut up,” Ai knocked his arm away, fiddling with his glasses, hiding his bright red face. “He's not _cute._ ”  
“Yes! Yes, he is!” Nagisa laughed, a rush of pride swelling his heart. “What did you say?”   
Ai blinked. “Nothing.” he bit down on his lip. “I didn't say anything.”

Nagisa's mouth puckered into a little 'O', a little less excited now. “Oh.” he eventually said, blinking. “Right.”

“It's not that I didn't want to.” Ai said, rubbing his lips together. “Oh, no. Maybe he's thinking about it? Oh, God. I'm gonna text him.”

“No, don't,” Nagisa said, shaking his head. “Do it in person!”  
Ai stared at his phone in his hand, so tempted to message him, but he knew Nagisa was right. He really should talk about it face to face. He glanced out of the window, noticing that they were almost out of their home town now, but something made his throat run dry. Something about this spot, something that made him hate this town, why he never visited any more. Something that caused his body to hunch up and hands to scratch.

Then he spotted it.

It was the church.

Ai stared at it as they drove past, the towering, white building, the front baring a gold Christian cross, similar to the one his mother always wore around her neck and to the one his sister had hung haphazardly on her kitchen wall. It looked the same as it had done all those years ago, when he used to attended services with his family and speak to the Reverend about anything that used to trouble him. This was before his faith was ripped from him in ridicule and scorn. Nagisa looked on too, a pained expression on his face.

“This is why.” he said softly.

“Yeah.” Ai agreed, but something wasn't right.

Something in his gut told him that they needed to stop.

“Stop. Let's go.”

Nagisa widened his eyes at him. “Why?”   
“I want to see him.” Realisation finally hit him. This was where Sousuke was buried. Against any of his wishes, he was buried with the rest of his family beside a church they had been visiting for decades.

Nagisa blinked at him, but nodded once, driving on until he found somewhere to turn around. As they pulled up into the churches car park, something resonated within them both, making them shudder as they stared up at the bleach white structure, the steeple scratching the clear blue sky.

“OK?” Nagisa asked softly.

Ai nodded. “Are you?”  
“No, but I'm not here for me.” Nagisa shrugged with a sad smile.

They stepped out of the car, Ai placing the box in the back seat, and shut the doors behind them. The building was even more intimidating up close. Nagisa slipped his sunglasses over his eyes, sniffing delicately. “Let's go.” he said gently.

Ai took hold of Nagisa's hand, interlocking their fingers, and they walked together, towards the graveyard around the back of the church. It was quiet, solemn, almost, the only sound being the birds twittering in the trees and the crunch of gravel underneath Nagisa's and Ai's feet as they walked down the winding path that cut the place in half.

Neither felt like talking.

Ai guided Nagisa down a row of gravestones near the church, and both stopped as they stood before the newest one. Flowers and pictures surrounded the gravestone still, and the gilt gold cursive shone in the sunlight.

 

**A tribute of love to the dear memory of**

**Sousuke Yamazaki**

**Died 23 rd June 2013 **

**Aged 22 years**

**Loving Son and Devoted Husband**

“ **Gone, but not forgotten - forever in our hearts.”**

 

Nagisa removed his sunglasses. He could feel Ai shaking in his grasp, and when he looked across at him, he could see no tears in his eyes, but guilt, heavy and prominent.

“It's not your fault.” Nagisa whispered, squeezing his hand tight. “It was never your fault.”

Ai let go of Nagisa's hand and crouched in the grass, not caring about the dirt or the dew or the dust for once in his sorry life, and reached out, touching the golden name with a trembling hand. He looked down at the large slab of marble where his coffin was laying beneath, and touched that too.

“I never see him.” he whispered, hugging his knees to his chest, staring at the gravestone. “I didn't even bring any flowers.”

“I'll get some.” Nagisa said softly, crouching down beside him and winding an arm around his shoulders. “You can have some time alone with him.”

Ai nodded. “That would be nice.” he whispered. “Thank you so much, Nagi.”

Nagisa kissed his cheek in a way of response and stood up straight, slipping his glasses back on over his eyes and walking back the way they came. Ai waited until there was absolute silence until he spoke again.

“I'm sorry,” he began, staring at the name as if it would give him some answers. “I'm really sorry I haven't seen you.”

He hugged himself tighter, resting his chin between his knees and blinking at the gravestone. “You always told me that you would have to see our great grandchildren before you died. And that we would be together even when we couldn't hear each other properly any more. That was something I believed for a long time. We were made to last.”

He sighed gently, lowering his eyes. “I love you so much still. I miss you every day. But there's this cat. I know what you're going to say, 'not another God awful cat, Aichirou',” he mimicked his voice, rolling his eyes. “But he's the sweetest little thing, and he has eyes just like yours. He reminds me of you. My neighbour found him.” he considered talking about Momo. “He's... he's a really great guy. We've been seeing each other, actually... I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess this is a way of telling you that I'm OK. Well... No, not OK. You might have seen I'm not doing well. In the slightest. But I am getting better, I suppose. _Very_ slowly. And Momo is very understanding. As are the rest of our friends. They're all OK, too. Haru and Makoto are married, which is all you've really missed, I suppose. I don't know, and you hate this, but I haven't been out a lot.”  
He sighed shakily, squeezing himself tight. “I want to know if you're OK. Are you happy? Are you safe? Do you know how much we miss you?”  
“Why don't you send him a prayer?”   
Ai jumped out of his skin, almost falling into the grass until a large hand caught his arm, laughing kindly. “I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” the strangers voice had a slight Nigerian twang, and it was warm and smooth, nothing like Ai had heard before.

He looked up at the man with the lovely voice. He was quite young, his skin the colour of warm mahogany, a clerical collar around his neck, as well as a small, gold cross. He smiled gently at him, crouching down beside him. “I'm Reverend Peters. I've never seen you around here before.” he stuck out a hand for Ai to shake.

Ai blinked at him, taking the hand and feeling rather secure when the Reverend shook it firmly, relaxing in his presence. “Hello, Reverend.” he said softly, with a shy smile. “I don't live around here... I just...” he motioned towards his late husbands grave, sighing gently.

“I see.” he nodded solemnly. “Were you a friend?”

Ai hesitated, figuring out whether he could tell the truth, but the Reverends presence was so relaxed and pleasant, he decided it was safe to speak to him. “He was my husband.” he whispered, and as he said it, looking into the understanding eyes of the Reverend, he felt tears catch in his throat.

“My deepest condolences.” the Reverend said, laying a hand on his back. “I cannot imagine what this must be like for you.”

“You have no idea.” Ai laughed weakly, sniffing gently. “I loved him, so much.”

“Yes, my friend. I can see it. I can see it in your heart and in your soul. He meant a lot to you.” he patted his back as a few tears fell. “Though, your eyes are telling me you feel guilt. What are you guilty about?”   
“His mom...” he sighed. “She blames it on me. His death.”  
“Well, did you kill him?” he half-joked, and Ai shook his head.

“Then it is not your fault!” he squeezed his shoulder. “My friend, death is hard on us all. And at such a young age, leaving behind a loving husband like yourself. We do not know God's plan. But he does not mean to hurt us. Tell me, friend, have you lost your faith since he passed?”

“I haven't had faith for years.” Ai whispered, furrowing his brow. “Religion wasn't something I needed.”

Reverend Peters nodded. “That's OK. Sometimes it isn't for everybody. You can find comfort in other ways.” he smiled warmly at Ai. “I heard you talking to your husband. Was it a prayer?”  
“I don't really know.” Ai smiled back. “I guess I was just talking. Filling in on what he's missed. He liked it when I told him about my day.”

“What else did he like?”

Ai smiled to himself. “He liked reading old classics, and sometimes when I couldn't sleep he read them to me. He liked swimming. He liked his job. He was a trainee marine biologist. He liked cooking, which _really_ annoyed me, because he _never_ followed the recipe, but whatever he made tasted amazing.” he listed. “He liked animals, especially tropical fish. He wanted an aquarium but I wouldn't let him. He got really attached to animals so fish weren't exactly the best choice. Also, we had two cats.”  
The Reverend nodded. “He sounded like a wonderful man.”

“He was.” Ai sighed heavily, eyes drifting to the group of photographs that were stood beside the gravestone. “That's him.”   
He pointed to the portrait of him he'd taken of him on the honeymoon, looking beautiful in the sunlight, grinning at him with a glint in his eye. The Reverend nodded again. “Ah, a very handsome man. You must have looked wonderful together.”   
“I liked to think so.” he sighed, feeling his heart ache a little. “Maybe we could pray. It might reach him.”

“God will let him know you have sent him a message.” The Reverend said, nodding his head. “Even without faith, He loves all of his children. I am sure your husband is very safe up there with Him.”

Ai didn't really want to tell him he didn't believe in Heaven, in fear he would hurt the kindly man's feelings, so he just nodded, and followed him as he knotted his hands together before his lips and bowed his head, awaiting Ai to lead them in prayer.

Carrying a bouquet of a lovely array of pink and white flowers, Nagisa walked through the street which he had not trod for many years. Thankfully the florists was near the edge of town, so he didn't have to walk too far in, but it was odd, nonetheless. As he was reminiscing, peering at houses he used to wait outside of for old friends and reliving this same exact walk he would make everyday to get to school and back, his phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Hello, dear,” Nagisa chirped, rearranging the bouquet in his arms. “How are you?”

“Where are you? You said you would be home by five.” Rei sounded frantic, making Nagisa giggle a little.   
“Don't worry! I'm fine, silly.” he smiled sadly. “We took a little detour.”  
“Well, don't be long. We're meeting everyone at six.” he sighed heavily, and Nagisa could imagine him rubbing his eyes behind his lenses. “How is he?”

“Ai?” Nagisa shrugged. “He's fine. Well, not fine, actually, a little bit sad, and panicky, but other than that, he's good. He made me clean my car!”

Rei laughed. “Good! Maybe he can come over and make you clean everything else in this house that you said you were going to do _yesterday_.”

“Reiiiii,” Nagisa whined, making his boyfriend chuckle. “You can't _make_ me do it.”   
“I'm sure I can.”

“I'd like to see you try!” he huffed. “I only did it for Ai because he looked like he was going to faint. Something about clutter.”

“I don't blame him.” Rei sighed. “Anyway, I was just checking that you were OK. Have you eaten?”

Nagisa blinked. “No! Oh, dammit. It's fine. Don't worry. We'll get something.” he dismissed any of Rei's concerns with the vague reassurance. “Actually, I don't know if Ai will eat anything, you know, not by him, I guess. I don't know. I should ask.”

“Yes, do, because he can't go without.”

“OK, Mom,” Nagisa rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I better go. I'll see you later, m'kay?”

“Alright, I'll see you later. Eat something!”

“I will!” Nagisa laughed. “Love you lots!”  
“Love you, too.”

Nagisa walked down the path the way he had come, and looked down the row of gravestones where he had left Ai to find him standing with a rather tall man, who looked like the Reverend. He approached them cautiously, unsure on whether to trust the situation or not. When he got closer, the Reverend spotted him and smiled kindly. “Ah, you must be the friend.” he held out his hand towards him. “I am Reverend Peters. Wonderful to see you.”

Nagisa allowed his hand to be shook, smiling politely at the man. “Hey! I'm Nagisa. Um, Ai, I got you these.” he said gently, holding the bouquet towards him.

Ai took them from him, smiling at the gorgeously arranged coronations and chrysanthemums. “They're beautiful.” he said gently. “I'll pay you back.”  
“Don't be silly,” Nagisa smiled sweetly. “They're from the both of us.”

Ai crouched down and lay the bouquet beside the rest that had been left, before planting a kiss on his fingertips and pressing it against Sousuke's name on the gravestone, sighing delicately.

He didn't want to ruin the delicate moment, but something sparked in his head and he suddenly began to internally panic about how many hands he had touched ( _strangers hands at that),_ and where they had been. He felt a shiver of disgust crawl up his spine as he was made painfully aware of the earthy, dewy ground beneath him, and he stood quickly. “OK. We better go.” he nodded at the Reverend. “Thank you very much.”

Much to his dismay, the overly friendly Reverend took his hand and shook it warmly again. He knew he only meant well but he couldn't help but feel gross as he squeezed. “Come, any time. We can pray for your husband again.”

Ai nodded with a tight smile, and the friends were walking down the path once again, the Reverend returning to his church.   
“You prayed?” Nagisa asked, a small smile on his lips.

“Yeah,” Ai sighed. “He was so nice. He was too nice to upset. I dunno. It was kind of comforting. I bet Sousuke's looking at me as if I'm mad.”

Nagisa laughed, hooking his arm around his and pulling him in, the two walking in sync. “Probably. Oh, well. As long as it helps.” he looked around, to make sure no one was there to listen, and he leaned in. “I'd come to this church everyday just to see _him._ He's hot as _fuck_.”  
“Nagisa!” Ai hissed. “You can't say that about the Reverend.”

“Why not?” he grinned smugly. “He is. I'm only telling the truth. God likes that, right?”

Ai began to giggle. “I guess. I mean, he is. And his voice is--”  
“His accent is--”  
“ _So sexy._ ” They said simultaneously, and they had to muffle their laughter all the way to the car, before collapsing inside and bursting into a fit of giggles, the two now so exhausted and emotionally drained all they could do was laugh it off, unable to control it.

When they had finally calmed down, they sat back in their seats and sighed, deeply. “Right,” Nagisa said, buckling up and starting up his car. “We need to eat before we go.”

Ai was digging around his satchel, searching for his hand sanitizer to scrub off the days grime. “I don't...” he began, squeezing the stuff into his hands and rubbing it in thoroughly, as if his life depended on it. “I don't really eat out.”   
“I didn't think so.” Nagisa mumbled, watching him as he massaged the gel into his hands, wincing as he scrubbed a little too viciously here and there. “Your hands are red raw.”  
“I know.” Ai muttered, rubbing his fingers. “It's horrible, isn't it?”

Nagisa didn't respond, just started up the car and began their journey home, letting the radio fill in the silence once again. After driving for a few miles, Nagisa suddenly felt so hungry he knew he was going to pass out if he didn't eat. It occurred to him that he had not eaten since eleven that afternoon, and even that was just a banana, as the whole day he was on high alert, visit after visit stacked on top of each other like Jenga blocks. He and his colleague were on a constant move throughout the few areas their work was spread over to, and he wished with all his might that they would just put him back on deliveries, because not eating and always moving was slowly killing him, and the stabbing hunger pain in his stomach was confirming this fear.

“I need food!” Nagisa exclaimed, rubbing his mumbling gut. “I can't run on no fuel, I'm going to die.”

“That's rather dramatic.” Ai blinked at him.

Nagisa turned to him, grinning. “Do you know me at all, Aichirou?”  
He pulled up next to a convenience store, and Ai had no time to even ask if he wanted to buy some food for him as he was already hurtling at full speed out of the car and into the store, empty stomach thinking for him.

“Dramatic.” Ai confirmed to himself, stepping out of the car and following him inside, finding him pouring over the selection of sandwiches and pasta, eyes shining.

“I'm so hungry I could eat all of this.” he stated as Ai came closer, grabbing a sub and a pot of pasta, then moving swiftly towards the chip isle, Ai watching him with the up most curiosity.

He stared at the selection, pushing his glasses up his nose, deciding that he was also quite hungry. He was planning to have an early dinner at home, but the impromptu outing had knocked his plans side ways, so he was now here, staring at a ninety percent meat based selection of lunch deals. He decided that he would at least try and eat something from here, because he could not faint on his old friends upon meeting them. He crouched down, picking up a pot of what claimed to be courgette pasta. He examined the label, the expiry date, the ingredients, weighing up in his head whether it would be safe to eat or not.

“You getting something?”   
Ai turned to find Nagisa holding an armful of food, in addition to the sub and pasta pot, he had picked up a bag of chips, an apple, two candy bars and a packet of Oreo cookies. Ai looked at the pasta pot in his hand, deciding that this would do fine for him, but whilst they were in line, Nagisa poked him with one of his candy bars.

“Have this as well,” he mumbled through the bag of chips he had between his teeth. “You skinny bean.”

Ai accepted the chocolate from him, checking everything as he had done with the pot of pasta. Nagisa raised an eyebrow at him, removing the packet from his mouth. “Counting calories?”   
“Ha,” Ai muttered sarcastically, still scanning through the ingredients. “No. I can't eat certain things. Nothing to do with allergies.”

“I see.” Nagisa said gently, smiling sympathetically. “Well! I remembered you were veggie so that's animal free. Also, it's your favourite.”  
Ai smiled. It _was_ his favourite. He pressed two kisses against Nagisa's cheek. “Thank you.”

His cheeks tinted pink, the light kisses unexpected. “No problem.” he giggled. “No problem at all.”

The two sat in Nagisa's little car, their moods lifting as good food filled their empty stomachs, neither taking a break to talk as they chewed, communicating solely through nods and mumbled appreciations. Ai marvelled at how quickly Nagisa managed to eat – he had barely made it halfway through his pasta when he'd finished most of his own food, watching as he now munched through his chips and scrolled through his phone with his other hand.

“I've forgotten how quickly you consume things. You're like a vacuum.” Ai teased affectionately.

“I was _starving,_ ” he whined, letting his head fall back. “I'm not built to live without food for more than twenty minutes.”

Ai reached over and poked his soft stomach through his uniform. “You're all settling down chubby.” he giggled, continuing to prod. “Oh, it's so cute. You're all soft.”  
“Shut up,” Nagisa slapped his hand away, making Ai snort. “Have you ever eaten one of Rei's meals?”   
“I can't say I have.” Ai said, carrying on with his pasta.

“You have to. And when you have, you'll see why I've gotten so fat. Everyday. Everyday I eat his cooking. For a whole two years now. He's going to kill me.” he then unwrapped his candy bar and broke off a chunk. “I mean, if I don't do it myself first.”

Ai tutted. “You're not fat.” he poked his soft belly again. “It's the 'I have a long-term boyfriend' look. Anyway, it just means you're extra cuddly.”  
“That's the worst thing you've ever said to me.” Nagisa laughed. “ _Extra cuddly_?”

“Yeah!” Ai grinned. “What's wrong with that? More cushion for the pushin'.”

Nagisa widened his eyes at him as he snorted to himself at his own joke. “ _Ai_!” he breathed, trying not to laugh himself. “Since when have you said _anything_ like that?”

“Sorry.” he giggled. “Was that bad?”

“No. You're not wrong, either.”

Ai burst out laughing, hiding his mouth with his hand. “Really?” he twirled pasta around his fork. “Rei likes something to squeeze, then?”

“Shut up. God, you're so dirty.” Nagisa scolded, making Ai chortle. “Jesus, I forgot you were a kinky little shit. All blue eyed and innocent until someone mentions anything about sex.”

“Sousuke liked it.” he stuck his tongue out at him. “He liked it when I--”  
“Ah, ah, ah,” Nagisa put his hands over his ears, frowning at him. “I don't want to hear it.”

Ai continued to laugh to himself as Nagisa finished off his candy bar, unable to stop smiling as he listened to Ai's giggle fit.

“What's so funny?” Nagisa demanded, beginning to shove his trash into the plastic bag he had his meal in.

“Nothing,” Ai shook his head, calming down enough to carry on with his meal. “Don't worry.”

Nagisa threw him a sceptical look, but said nothing, beginning to crunch on his apple, eyes drifting to the rear view mirror and catching the shape of the discarded box with the corner of his eye.

“Do you want to open that box?” he asked, looking over at Ai, who was concentrating on scraping the bottom of the pot.

“Hm,” he mumbled, chewing on his final mouthful, thinking about it. “Right now?”  
Nagisa nodded, and so Ai moved to the back seat after discarding his pot into the bag, slinking through the space between the front and passenger seat like a sneaky feline. He pulled back the tape, a little scared at what he might find, stomach full of butterflies as he pulled back the flaps.

“Oh.” he said softly, staring at its contents.

Nagisa twisted himself around, leaning through the gap. “What is it?”   
“Just... old stuff.” he said, unsure on how to feel about it. “High school stuff.”

Nagisa furrowed his brow. “Like what?”   
The first thing Ai pulled out was an old football jersey. “Oh, my God.” he laughed, turning it around to reveal the back to Nagisa, who began to snort. “Yamazaki, 44. I haven't seen this in years.”

“He was massive, wasn't he?” Nagisa tweaked the green and blue jersey, the garish school colours. “You could fit both of us in here.”

Ai slipped it over his head, the garment hanging off him like a dress, even when wearing a sweater. He held out his arms as far as they would go in the little car, wiggling the drooping sleeves. “I feel like I'm playing dress up.” he laughed. He then bought the neck of the jersey to his nose, breathing in. He was bought back to sitting in the cold on the bleachers during football season, wearing Sousuke's sweaters and scarves, watching him practise every evening, sometimes with friends, sometimes on his own, blushing every time Sousuke waved or smiled at him, still in disbelief at the fact he was dating a jock, his constant state all dreamy eyed, his stomach full of butterflies at every touch and caught stare.

“It smells like him.” Ai whispered, nuzzling his nose further into the material. “Oh, man. It's weird.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.” Nagisa said softly, sitting his head in his hand, taking another bite of his apple. “What else has she gifted you?”

Yearbooks, notebooks, a folder filled with photographs, a smaller box that held a few things he'd thought he'd lost all those years ago. He retrieved a frame holding a picture of his old football team.

“Look!” Ai cried, pointing at Rin and Sousuke stood together, arms around each other, grinning at the camera. “Look at how happy they are!”

“You should give that to him tonight.” Nagisa smiled – then he furrowed his brow. “I mean, he might cry, but it's a nice thought.”

Ai nodded. He knew for a fact that Rin would cry if he gave this to him, but, in all honesty, he would cry too. He opened the folder full of photographs, sorting through them. None of them were particularly interesting to him, though some he handed to Nagisa, mainly because Sousuke looked funny in them. He went past another image of a Ski Lodge to find a picture of them both, obviously someone's sneaky shot that he decided he liked, as it had drawing pin holes in the corners. Sousuke was leaning back on his elbows, eyes closed, soaking in the sun, whilst Ai lay on his lap, glasses over his eyes whilst he read a book he didn't recognise.

“Look,” Ai said gently, turning the photo towards Nagisa.

“Ah, cute,” Nagisa cooed, smiling fondly. “Are you gonna keep that?”

Ai nodded, turning it back towards him, letting a smile lift the corners of his mouth. “I should.” he placed it back in the box. “Let's see if there are any more.”

There was one more, one that Ai remembered Sousuke taking with his camera, because his arms were longer. Sousuke was kissing the corner of his mouth as Ai was smiling, his strong arm around his shoulders, and something about it made Ai's heart yearn for him a little bit. He sniffed, wiping his eyes quickly before the tears fell, and Nagisa reached out, taking his hand. “You can stop if it's making you upset.” he said softly, watching him earnestly, concern edging his eyes.

“Yeah.” Ai sighed, slotting the photos back into the folder. “We should get going.”

He packed everything back up into the box and climbed back into the passenger seat, strapping himself in. Nagisa smiled kindly. “You're still wearing the jersey.”   
“Oh,” Ai brushed the material with his fingertips, sighing gently. “I'll take it off when we get there.”

It didn't take long for them to reach their destination, the anxiety building in Ai's gut as they got closer and closer almost driving him to another panic attack. If he had driven himself then he knew for a fact he wouldn't have gone through with it. Nagisa parked up, giving him a big grin. “We're here! OK, I'm gonna go get changed, are you coming with?”

Ai nodded numbly, figuring he could stand outside and clear his head before his impending doom. Nagisa pulled him in for a hug, holding him tightly. “It'll be all right.” he whispered, rubbing his back as he felt him begin to tremble. “We all feel nervous.”

Ai didn't reply, just squeezed him tighter, so glad that he had him by his side, so glad that he was so forward and confident.

So glad that he was his friend again.

As they ventured towards the venue, Nagisa with a change of clothes on his person, Ai holding his satchel so tightly he felt the faux leather of the strap sticking to his skin, they both spotted a familiar red head hanging around outside, face hidden by a constant stream of smoke that was coming from the cigarette held between his lips.   
Ai froze as Nagisa held up his hand. “Rin!”

Rin raised his head at the sound of his name, holding the cigarette between his fingers, waving his hand back as he spotted the blond. Nagisa pulled on Ai's hand as he crossed the street, who was now unable to comprehend that the man he'd known since infancy and swore to never smoke was now actively doing so. He didn't really know how to feel about it, much like a lot of things as he approached him, noticing his poor posture, pale skin and too long hair, which was pulled away from his face, showing off his three day stubble and the piercings he's had in his ears since he was in high school. His low neck t-shirt revealed a few new tattoos he had on his upper chest and collar bones, and his over shirt was rolled to his elbows, showing off the sleeve he'd been building over the years. Ai had no idea he'd changed this much since the last time he'd seen him. Within three years he'd turned into some kind of alternative model – from good suburban boy who loved his mother and sister to some pale, gaunt rock star who belonged in a grunge band from the 90s.

“Christ.” Rin stood up straight, blinking at Ai as if he was expecting him to disappear, like Nagisa was playing a cruel trick on him. “Shit. I mean... it's you.”

Ai nodded, a little uneasy around this dark, new Rin. “You look... different.” he tried, making Rin chuckle.

“Terrible, you mean.” he shook his head, in disbelief. “Christ. _Christ._ Where the Hell did you find him, Nagisa?”   
Nagisa laughed, winding his arm around Ai's shoulders and pulling him into him, squeezing tight. “When you need a friend, they come.” he kissed Ai's cheek, making him blush. “OK, I need to change. Look after him, will you?”

Nagisa disappeared inside the bar, leaving Ai and Rin standing slightly awkwardly in the twilight, beneath the LED sign that slowly began to fade into life. Rin offered him a cigarette. Ai shook his head, smiling uneasily. “I don't smoke.”

“No.” Rin's smile was as tense as his, bringing his burning cigarette back to his lips, Ai noticing that his hands were shaking. “You never have.”

Ai lifted his own hand, noticing that his was trembling to. He began to laugh, nervous at first, holding it out towards him. “Look.” he raised it so Rin could see how hard it was shaking.

Rin raised his own hand, nervous laughter escaping his own lips, along with the smoke, goosebumps crawling all over his body. “We're a wreck.”

“I know.” Ai took his shaking hand, much to Rin's surprise. “Gosh, you're cold!”  
Rin took a second to collect himself at the sudden small hand over his, this clammy, nervous, yet affectionate touch confirming to him that this was real, and his friend of two decades really was standing in front of him, still short, still slim, still with shining eyes and still with the same dumbass haircut he'd had for years, a familiar warmth filling his heart.. He laughed again. “Yeah. I've been standing out here for a good half hour.”

“What? Why?” Ai rubbed the rose tattoo on the back of his hand, warming his blood. “You silly goose. Honestly! Why aren't you wearing a jacket?”

Rin couldn't help himself. He moved his hand and wound his arm around his shoulders, pulling him in close as Nagisa had done, making Ai's cheeks flush angrily, eyes wide as he was squashed into his strong build. “You care too much.” he muttered, not looking at him, but he was smiling. “I missed that.”

“Well, if you want me to care a _lot_ more I think you should stop smoking.” he smiled sweetly, and Rin laughed properly this time, squeezing him tight.

“That's not gonna happen any time soon.” he removed his arm, but still stayed close, crossing his arms over. “Why were you with Blondie?”

“An impromptu visit to Sou's mothers turned into a living nightmare.” he sighed heavily, clinging to his satchel strap. “She hates me.”  
“Yeah, don't take it personally.” Rin took one last drag before dropping the butt and stomping it out. “She's a bitch to everyone now. Gou and I were driving through a few weeks ago and we thought we'd pay her a visit. To be fair, Gou had her daughter with her, but she didn't have to be so rude.”

Ai widened his eyes, completely forgetting that Gou was _Rin's sister_. Maddie was _his niece._ “Oh, dear.” he found himself saying out loud, and Rin looked down at him, throwing him a questioning look.

“What's up?”   
“Oh, nothing...” he puckered his lips. “I mean... Well... Funny thing, actually, I'm... Sort of dating her ex boyfriend?”

“I know.” Rin grinned, shrugging slightly. “She told me.”

“Right.” Ai nodded slowly, fiddling with his glasses. “I see.”

“Yeah.” he shrugged again. “He's a good guy. He means well, I just...”

“He got your sister pregnant and now you hate him?” Ai finished for him, grinning at him.

Rin chuckled. “Something like that.” he bit down on his lip, mulling his feelings on the subject of Momo over in his head. “I don't really hate him. I like him, sometimes. He's a good dad to Maddie, would do anything for her. He's a bit grating sometimes, but I suppose you get used to it.”

Ai smiled to himself, tucking his hair behind his ears. “I think he's great.” he said softly, unknowing to how dreamlike he sounded, eyes almost glowing behind his lenses.

Rin tilted forwards, peering at his face. “I know that look.” he grinned, eyes glinting. “That's Ai's signature 'I'm in love' look.”

“Shut up!” Ai cried, face going so red he felt like he was going to burst as Rin laughed. “I don't... I'm _not._ ”

Rin raised his hands, pushing himself away from the wall. “OK, sure.” he tucked his hands into his jeans pockets. “He's a good looking guy! Sort of.”  
“What does that mean, 'sort of'?” Ai demanded, suddenly becoming very defensive over his crush.

Rin snorted. “Nothing. Nothing, honestly.” he threw an arm around him again, giving him a proper hug. “I'm happy you're moving on.”

Ai was not used to Rin hugs. He never hugged. Awkward hugs, arms around shoulders, but never real hugs. He showed his affection by laughing at his jokes and complimenting his shoes and tagging him in kitten videos at three AM when he couldn't sleep, hardly ever physical with his love. Makoto hugged. Rei hugged occasionally, when he was feeling especially mushy (mostly only when he was drunk). Nagisa _mauled,_ with his constant bear hugs and streams of kisses. But _never_ Rin.

Yet, there they were, in front of a bar, sharing a hug in which he had not been expecting to be squeezed into, smelling smoke and cologne on his skin, feeling his muscles through his shirt, having never felt so close to Rin in his entire life. All Ai could say was: “You smell horrible.”

“Thanks.” Rin chuckled, squeezing him once more before letting go, hands resting on his shoulders. “You've lost a lot of weight.”

Ai frowned. “I've been hearing that all day.” he crossed his arms over, frowning sulkily. “From the chubby domesticated midwife and now the emo Hulk.”

Rin snorted, squeezing his shoulders. “OK, not the best place to get criticism.” he let his hands fall, smiling sadly at him. “Maybe Mom will have something to say about it.”

Ai furrowed his brow. “Who?”

Rin twitched his head, and Ai turned around, eyes clapping on those of forest green, so kind, so sad, filling with tears.

“Mako--”

He was silenced with another hug, but this one was so warm and natural, the body that now held onto him soft, made for comfort and familiarity, that Ai moulded so easily into it, clinging to his jacket as he felt him shake with sobs.

“Don't cry!” Ai smiled as they broke away, taking his hands and squeezing gently. “Please, you'll make me cry.”

“Sorry! I'm sorry, I just didn't think this was going to be real.” he smiled widely at him. “But it is.”

“Yes,” Ai beamed at him, which caused more tears to fill his eyes. “Would you like a tissue?”

Makoto nodded, wiping his cheeks, and Ai handed him one from his emergency packet with a smile. He turned to look at Rin, who was lighting up another cigarette, his hands shaking again.

“Hey!” Ai scolded as he took the first drag. “How many of those do you have a day?”   
“'Bout twenty.” he shrugged, and both Makoto and Ai tutted in disapproval, making Rin smile.   
“How have you been?” Makoto asked Ai, eyes still watery, but his smile was warm and welcoming. “Aside from the obvious.”

“Well, I'm surviving.” Ai rubbed his lips together, a wash of guilt filling his gut. “Listen... About... Everything...”

“No, I won't have any apologies, Ai. It's no ones fault.” Makoto interrupted. “You can't help being sick. You can't help your grief.”  
This didn't help his guilt in slightest, but Makoto's eyes were so sad, his soft, kind face so earnest, all he could do was drop the matter, nodding his head. “OK.” he looked around him, only just realising there was only one half of the usual pair there. “Where's Haru?”

“He's at an appointment. It's a bit of a secret. He should be here soon, hopefully with good news.” Makoto was smiling a little pleasantly, excitement behind his tears, and Ai couldn't quite work out why, and he didn't have time to ask, as Makoto had already changed the subject. “Should we go in?” Ai turned, looking expectantly at Rin, who shrugged dismissively. “I'm fine out here for a bit. You go find Blondie, he must have gotten lost.”

Ai followed Makoto into the loud, heaving bar, staying close to him, having forgotten what it was like to have such a huge person hiding him protectively behind their back as they pushed through crowds for him, the magic as they dispersed just at the sheer size of them. Ai hooked his arm through Makoto's as they stood in the centre of the place, searching for their small friend within the crowds.

“Can you see him?” Ai asked, pressing into him as someone squeezed past.

Makoto shook his head. “No. Let's find somewhere to sit, it's a bit crowded, isn't it?” he said a little uneasily, and Ai could feel him tense up as more people pushed past, his face tight.

“Yes. Come on.” Ai guided him to the back, the pair sitting at a large table in a quiet corner, relaxing greatly as they took their seats, breathing out simultaneously.

Makoto laughed nervously. “Are you no good in crowds either?”   
Ai shook his head, removing his bag and sitting it at his feet. “I hate them.” he tilted his head. “You were never too bad, from what I can remember.”  
Makoto turned a slight pink, the soft lights of the bar making his cheeks glow. “I seem to just get worse every time we go out. I don't know why. Sometimes I...” he stopped himself, letting out a small chuckle. “Sorry. The last you want to hear about is me.”

Ai blinked, shaking his head. “No! No, really, it's OK.” he smiled kindly. “If it's affecting you this badly--”  
“No, it's not...” Makoto knotted his brow together. “I just don't think Sou's passing has been kind to any of us.”

Ai widened his eyes. “Makoto, are you--?”  
“I'm not well.” he finished for him, a sad smile on his lips. “I haven't been for some time.”

Ai didn't really know what to say. He'd been so wrapped up in his own mind he didn't know how it had affected others. He knew for so long he was being selfish, he knew for a long time others were going through the same thing, but now, in the face of it, it shocked him. He didn't think that someone like Makoto could be in a similar situation to one he was in, yet here he was, explaining to him that he, also, was not well. For some reason, this comforted him. He wasn't the only one who was affected so badly it tipped his mental stability over the edge. Suddenly, he was no longer lonely in a world that terrified him. He took Makoto's hand in his, squeezing tight. “I'm sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Makoto smiled. “I understand why you wanted to push us away. I wanted to push people away too. But Haru wouldn't let me. He kept me together. I just wish we'd tried to help you sooner, too. I feel so guilty, all the time.”

Ai swallowed, knowing the feeling all too well. “Yes.” he whispered, clinging to his hand. “I do, too.”

“You don't need to. It's not your fault.” Makoto said firmly, green eyes earnest. “It's us. We let you push us away.”  
Ai winced, the words being said the same as Nagisa's sob-filled ones earlier. “Why are all of you so guilty? Why do you all carry so much of it?” he said, frowning. “There's no reason to. You're all allowed to grieve, you're all allowed to deal with it differently. You had Haru, Nagisa and Rei had each other, Rin had his sister. I just happened to have no one. And you shouldn't feel bad about that! Yes, I snapped. Yes, I lost it. Yes, I needed help, I still do, but I'm still here. I'm surviving his death as much as you are. We're all still alive, right? We're all still living.”   
Makoto nodded numbly, at a loss for words.

“Then we should do it for him.” Ai's eyes filled with tears. “Stop feeling guilty. Stop feeling bad that he died. He wouldn't want this. He would want us to carry on. He loved us so much, Makoto, and to live on in happiness for him because he can't is what we have to do. OK?”

“Ai...”

Ai raised his head at the voice. Nagisa stood with Rin and Rei, all three of them staring at him, as shocked as Makoto with his forceful words. He blushed, ducking his head as tears spilled down his cheeks, which he wiped away quickly.

“Yes,” Rei said gently, breaking the silence. “You're right.”

Ai didn't look up, staring at his hands instead, wringing them as they began to shake. Nagisa squashed up beside him in the booth seat, looking softer and more comfortable out of his uniform, hooking his arm through his and snuggling up to him. “No more feeling bad. It's not allowed tonight, OK?”

Ai nodded, raising his head again and addressing the table with a smile. “Right.”

Once conversation got going and drinks were flowing, none of it felt strange any more. Their voices, their way of speaking, their laughter, it all sounded the same as it had done so long ago. Ai was enveloped in so much warmth and familiarity that he didn't know why he was so hesitant to come in contact with his friends for so long. Rin talked about his travelling and why being single was better than being with someone, whilst in contrast Makoto gushed about married life for all he was worth, Ai feeling his heart glow as he showed him their wedding photographs, wishing he was there, wishing he could of taken these for them. He expressed this thought, which eventually ended up in him showing everyone the photographs he'd been taking recently for his website.

“ _'I don't like him'_ ,” Rin teased, showing him the photo of Momo he'd taken a few days ago.

Ai flushed scarlet, snatching his phone out of Rin's hand and looking at the photograph himself. It was his favourite one – he was sat on the edge of the cliff, smiling straight at the camera. Makoto and Nagisa peered over his shoulder at the photograph, the two sharing a smile as Ai clasped his phone to his chest, frowning at them both. “Do you mind?”

“Your art speaks volumes.” Makoto said gently. “Just by that shot I can tell how much he's beginning to mean to you.”   
Ai pulled his mouth into a straight line. _Damn art lecturer_ , he thought, looking back at the photograph.

“It's nothing to be ashamed of.” Rei said, sitting with his head in his hand. “It's rather sweet, actually.”

“Don't!” Ai cried, stuffing his phone in his pocket. “It's not like that.”

“He asked you to be his boyfriend!” Nagisa laughed as everyone gaped. “That's _something,_ Ai.”

Ai hid his face in his hands, hiding his embarrassment. “It's not. I don't think I'm ready for that, yet.”

“If you weren't, you wouldn't be returning his affections as much as you seem to be.” Rei stated. “Also, it seems that you're both quite smitten. Is it love, Ai?”

“ _Is_ it?” Ai repeated, and both Rei and Nagisa nodded, smiles annoyingly paternal.

“I don't know.” he shrunk in his seat, still hiding his cheeks. “Can we not...?”   
“Sorry,” Rei held up his hands. “You're right, it's for you to figure out yourself.”

The subject was moved on, much to Ai's relief. He sighed delicately, closing his eyes, and after a few slow moments, listening to his friends voices as they surrounded him in love and affection, he felt a hand rest on his arm. “Are you OK?”   
Ai raised his head to see Makoto smiling sadly at him, and he nodded, returning his gentle expression. “Yeah. Are you?”

“Yes, thank you.”

A shrill ringtone halted all conversation, and Makoto scrambled around in his pockets, obviously embarrassed. “Sorry! Sorry, that must be Haru.”

“He's a good hour late.” Rin commented, twisting his watch around his wrist. “Is he all right?”   
“I don't know.” Makoto replied, Ai noticing the waver of nerves in his voice, answering the call with the touch of a button.

The group all swapped expectant glances, but none of them knew the answers to the silent questions that were being asked, and when Makoto began to cry, none knew how to react.

“They... Really?” Makoto breathed, heart racing. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Haru replied, a smile in his voice. “Of course I'm sure. What do you think I've been doing for the past three hours?”

Makoto was shaking, he was laughing, he was crying. His friends were staring at him, bewildered at this sudden hysterical outburst, but he _didn't care._

“Oh, my God.” he wiped his eyes with his sleeve, grinning widely at his oldest, closest friends, a rush of love causing more tears to fall from his eyes and more laughter to spill over his lips. “We're... We're...”  
“We're parents.” Haru finished for him, the same excitement in his voice. “It's funny saying it out loud. Right, OK, I'm coming down. See you in a bit, OK?”  
“OK. I love you.” Makoto snivelled, and cut off the call once he got his reply, looking around at all his friends, who looked comically perplexed.

He breathed in deeply. “OK, I know... This will sound... really crazy,” he began, unable to stop the smile spreading on his face. “But ever since we got married me and Haru have been contacting adoption agencies and seeing babies from all over the place in secret and we fell in love with two girls and now _they're ours_! We have twins! Twin girls!”

The whole thing came out in one big, emotional rush, eyes wide and still spilling fat tears.

“ _What_?” Nagisa was the first to react, as the others seemed to be frozen in shock, jaws slack, shooting up so fast he almost knocked his drink over and climbing over Ai, throwing his arms around Makoto. “That's _amazing!_ Oh, my _God_ , Mako, that's incredible! I'm so happy for the both of you!”

Makoto held onto him tight in return. “Thank you so much.” he mumbled into Nagisa's shoulder. “It means a lot.”   
“Twins?” Rei asked as Nagisa pulled away with a kiss on his damp cheek. “Twin babies?”

“Yes.” Makoto smiled, accepting a tissue as Ai passed his packet to him. “Baby girls. Their names are Lilly and Daisy.”

“That's so cute!” Nagisa gushed, reclaiming his space between Rei and Ai, sitting his head in his hands. “Did the mother name them?”

“I think so. She felt she was too young, so she gave them up. We got a call a week later from the agency and as soon as we saw them... It was love at first sight.” Makoto smiled, a dreamlike look in his eyes. “We kept it quiet because we didn't know how smoothly it was going to go. Just in case, you know? But now they're ours. They'll be living with us in two weeks.”

“That's amazing.” Ai said softly, taking his hand and squeezing gently. “Congratulations.”

“Oh, man. Yeah, shit, congrats. And good luck.” Rin raised his glass to him. “If you need a babysitter, I'm all yours.”   
“You would terrify the poor things!” Nagisa cried. “At least let the qualified midwife take care of them.”

Rin rolled his eyes. “Uh, hello,” he held up his keys, waving a keyring around that stated 'BEST UNCLE', obviously a birthday present off his favourite niece. “I think this says it all.”

“An uncle and a midwife, how on Earth will we choose?” Makoto whispered to Ai as the two continued to bicker, making him giggle.

“Just give them one each.” Rei muttered dryly, crossing his arms as the two fought across him, making Makoto and Ai snort with laughter.

Once the petty argument had settled down (after Rei had threatened to bang their heads together), Makoto told the group he was going to wait outside for Haru.

“I'll come with, I need a smoke.” Rin said, rising with him.

Ai stood as well, smiling at them both. “Me too. I need some air.”

Whilst Makoto stood nearer the road, keeping a look out for Haru's car, Rin and Ai huddled together on a bench a little away from the bar, but were still able to see where Makoto was, just in case he returned inside without them.

“Can you believe it?” Ai breathed, crossing his legs in the seat, the cool metal seeping through the jacket he'd laid down before sitting, making his skin tingle. “They're going to have a proper little family.”

Rin flicked his lighter, his cigarette hanging between his lips, trying to decide if he really wanted to smoke or it was just an excuse to get outside for a little while. “I can, actually.” he mumbled, finally lifting the flame to the end of the cigarette. “They're predictable.”

Ai furrowed his brow at him, watching as he took a long, savoured drag of the cigarette, as if it were his life source. “What's that supposed to mean?”

Rin shrugged, moving it from his lips. “You know. Childhood sweethearts. Made for each other. Get married. Have kids. Grow old together. Die together. Like a romcom. Only gayer and nicer to watch.”

“I guess. But that's nice. It's nice to have that.” Ai rubbed his hands together. “I'd like that.”

“Hm.” Rin smiled slightly at him. “Yeah. I would too, I think.”

“So...” Ai said slowly, watching him take another drag. “No girlfriend? Boyfriend?”

Rin shook his head. “Nope. I've been doing fine on my own.” he stared at the burning cigarette in his hand, flicking ash. “Though, my mom doesn't talk to me any more because I used sleep around.”

Ai furrowed his brow. “That's a weird reason not to speak to you.”   
Rin swallowed, tapping his lip with his fingertips. “It's... It's a bit more complicated than that.” he took another long drag, nerves rising in his throat. “Remember when my dad died? I used to get angry over every little thing, and by having temper tantrums it helped me cope. I got all my emotions out. It wasn't healthy, cos I kept beating kids up, but it made me feel better. And when Sou died, I did the same again, but with sex. Whenever I got into a relationship I used them for sex, and for some reason I just felt better. Then I got lazy and just started sleeping around. Filling another void with pathetic one night stands. Jesus.”

His lips were quivering, and he was bouncing his knee up and down, taking another desperate drag.

“That's OK, though.” Ai said gently, patting his jiggling knee, trying to soothe his nerves. “It's not bad to sleep around. Loads of people do it.”

Rin shook his head, blowing smoke from his lips. “Nah. It is. It really is.” he raised his hand, it shaking harder than it had done before. “Look at that. Christ. I can't believe I'm scared to tell you. You, of all people.”

“Tell me what?” Ai said gently.

Rin let out a laugh, stalling the process further by dragging from his cigarette again. “My mom. She didn't know I was bi, and she caught me with a guy. Like, she came to mine. My door must have been open or something but she caught me red handed.” he bit down on his lip. “Here's the real fuck up, though, cos we were having unprotected sex, and he was carrying HIV.”

Ai covered his mouth with his hands, eyes wide as his stomach dropped. “Rin. Rin, oh, my God.” he breathed, hands trembling. “Oh, God... Oh, God... What? Why? Rin! Oh, my God.”

Rin shrugged, keeping his eyes to the floor. “It was bound to happen. I was reckless. I barely knew him. You always have that 'it'll never happen to me' mentality.” he tutted, taking another long drag.

“So you are--?”  
“HIV positive.” Rin breathed out, still shaken. “Yup. Filling the gay stereotype one fucking dick at a time.”

Ai still had his hands clamped over his mouth, shock freezing his whole body, eyes unblinking behind his lenses. They began to sting, and when he blinked, tears fell. He wiped his face quickly, but Rin still saw them.

“Don't, please, it's not that bad.” he begged, not wanting him crying over something that was no ones fault but his own.

“You could _die_ , Rin.” Ai snapped, suddenly maddened at his disinterested attitude. “It could get _really_ bad, and you could die.”

Rin wound an arm around him, pulling him in close. “I'm _fine_. I take pills. A pain in the ass cos I have to take them everyday for the rest of my life without fail, _but,_ I'm fine.” he rubbed his arm. “I'll be living for a long time.”

“You better not be lying.” Ai said firmly, wringing his hands as they shook. “Because if I get a call next week telling me you're dead--”

“I'm not lying.” he smiled sadly at him. “OK?”  
Ai shook his head, knowing for a fact that now he knew this, his brain would have something else to use against him on one of his Bad Days (another one of his therapists favourite terms). He had Bad Days almost everyday, so he didn't know what was so special about them, seeing as they were a constant.

Rin took another drag of his cigarette. “OK. Right, well, I'll text you, everyday, with the message 'I'm not dead yet' with a different emoji each time.” he smiled, squeezing him. “Is that better?”   
Ai nodded, hugging his knees to his chest. “Yeah. OK.” he snuggled into him, resting his head in his shoulder. “How long has it been?”   
“About six months.” Rin said, stubbing out the rest of his cigarette and tossing it into the darkness. “Seven months since I got caught.”

“Your mom hasn't spoken to you since?” Ai whispered. “Jeez.”

Rin shrugged. “My nurse told me I needed emotional support from her. I don't, not really. I know what I've done, and I don't blame anyone but myself.”

“What about the guy who didn't tell you he had HIV?” Ai raised his head, furrowing his brow at him.

“Oh, yeah, and him.” he sighed heavily. “I'm not gonna wallow in self pity, though. Gotta keep going.”

“Yes.” Ai nodded, smiling sadly. “There's nothing else you can do.”

Familiar laughter made them turn their heads. Makoto was holding Haru tight in his arms, practically lifting him off his feet, their joy making them glow in the darkness, the couple full of the purest kind of happiness, giddy with excitement for their new additions to the family.

“Look at them,” Rin grinned, shaking his head. “They must have waited ages for this.”

Ai grinned, a rush of love filling him to the brim. “It's beautiful.” he hopped up, pulling his jacket back on and taking Rin's tattooed hand in his, pulling him upwards. “Come on.”

Rin let himself be dragged towards the couple, full of relief. He'd always been terrified of telling anyone about his sickness, fearing they would ridicule him or ignore him like his mother had done, filling him with embarrassment and shame which he used to carry for a very long time before he worked up the confidence to tell anyone. He'd been diagnosed with it for three months before he finally told Gou, who cried for him. When she did, he thought it was because he'd embarrassed her. Her own brother, sleeping around with so many strangers he'd contracted such a disgusting STD – but she held him tightly and told him she would love him no matter what.

“You don't think it's... gross? Call me a faggot? Gou, Mom said--”  
“Who cares what Mom thinks?” she snivelled, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “She said the same stuff when I was pregnant with Maddie. Now she's just taking it out on you.”  
Rin wiped away her tears with his thumb. “So... you're not angry?”  
“I am angry.” Gou sighed, taking his hand on her cheek. “You idiot. But I don't think you're disgusting, Rin. He didn't tell you. That's awful.”

“No.” he sighed shakily. “I'm really sorry.”

Gou wound her arms around him, kissing his cheek. “It's all right. I love you, OK?”

He was able to tell everyone else that needed to know after that, each time less nerve racking than the last, as he soon realised that those who scorned him weren't worth knowing. So, telling Ai was a make or break. If he were to dismiss him, then their friendship would never be fixed, which he didn't want. He never wanted to lose him in the first place. But he'd forgotten what he was like – high-strung, old worry guts, so concerned for everyone else that his little outburst shouldn't have really surprised him.

He stood with his hands in his pockets as he watched Haru, in all his excitement, lift the tiny man off his feet and swing him around as he embraced him, Ai letting out a small yelp.

“Haru!” Ai breathed as he set him back on his feet, cheeks pink, eyes wide as the shock of his new character settled in his system. “It's good to see you too!”

Haru flashed him the biggest smile Ai had ever seen on him produce and slipped his hand into Makoto's, squeezing hard. “Have you heard the news?”   
“ _Yes_.” Ai beamed, taking his free hand in both of his and shaking it. “Congratulations. This is amazing. So amazing. I'm so happy for you.”

Haru smiled gently at him, watching his clear blue eyes as they shone behind his lenses. “Yeah.” he squeezed Ai's hand and let go. “I'm happy you're here to share this with us.”

Ai smiled widely, butterflies rushing through his stomach as he let himself fill up with the love he'd been missing for so long. “Yes.” he looked around his friends, giggles giddy. “I am, too.”

* * *

 

The rest of the night was bursting at the seams with so much elation and cheer, so many things to celebrate and so many things to catch up on the conversations never stopped, everyone on such a high their laughter filled the busy night.

“Right,” Rin tapped the side of his glass with his lighter, calling attention to the group. “I would like to make a toast.”  
“Really?” Rei grinned at him. “ _You_ would?”

Rin stuck his finger up at him, making him snort. “ _I_ would like to make a few, actually.” he raised his glass. “I would firstly like to congratulate the _most_ sickening couple in the world for their two tiny new additions to their family. We wish you all the luck in the world and we hope you'll be very happy.”

“To the Tachibana's.” Rei smiled, and the group raised their glasses to the couple with a cheer.

“Thank you.” Makoto said gently, sharing a smile with Haru. “We will be.”

Haru pressed a soft kiss on Makoto's lips, and Rin rolled his eyes.

“OK, OK, I've still got a lot to say.” he raised his glass once more. “I would also like to thank Ai for coming out tonight.”

Ai felt his whole face burn, covering his mouth with his hand as his heart jumped into his throat, not expecting this in the slightest.   
“You're a really amazing guy, Ai. You've fought and fought and you're winning back your life bit by bit. I know this must have been hard for you, but you did it. You really did it. So, this ones for you.”

Ai smiled weakly as the group raised their glasses to him, feeling his heart thump hard in his chest, not used to all of this attention on him. The whole thing seemed to last for a very long time, but eventually they put their glasses down, and looked at him expectantly, as if he was supposed to speak.

“Oh, well...” he began, blinking at them all. “Thank you... but I wouldn't have done this at all if I hadn't had Nagisa cart me around all afternoon. When you're in someone else’s hands it's hard to run away. And Momo. I think... If I hadn't met him, this wouldn't have happened. None of it. So, you should be thanking him for making contact with you all in the first place, not me.”

Rin raised an eyebrow. “I'd rather not.”

“Well, no,” Ai smiled, shrugging. “But this was all him. I couldn't have done it without him.”

“Cute.” Nagisa giggled, nudging him playfully.

“OK! One more!” Rin said, grinning at all the rolling eyes and groans. “I swear it's the last one.”

He cleared his throat, face turning solemn. “I would like to make a toast to Sousuke.” he said gently. “I hope he's doing good. Kicking ass in Heaven or where ever he is. He'd be happy to see us all here today, I think. He would be pretty ecstatic for you guys.” he smiled at Makoto and Haru. “He's put us through a lot, which is funny seeing as he's gone, but that's what this shit does to you. They say it's better to have loved and lost. And I'm glad we all got to love that dick head before we lost him. He made us all happy, but now it's time to be happy without him.”

Ai smiled shakily, chest aching. “That was lovely,” he whispered, tears catching in his throat. “And I don't know how many times I've cried today, but it's been way too many.”

Makoto wound an arm around him, squeezing him tight, whilst Nagisa held onto his hand, interlocking their fingers, smiling brightly at him.

“Sorry,” Rin smiled sadly, before raising his glass for the third time. “So, I would like to toast our best friend and Ai's lover, and I hope he hears this, because I won't be saying it again, but we love you, man.”

“For Sousuke.” Haru smiled, raising his drink.   
“For Sousuke!” the group echoed back, and as they clinked their glasses together, Ai felt a weight lift off his shoulders.

He looked around his group of old friends as they resumed their conversations, grins on their faces, joy sparking in their eyes. He felt Makoto's arm still around his waist and Nagisa's fingers within his. He breathed in deeply, chest somewhat lighter, heart a little less gloomier, now so full of love he didn't know what do to with it all.

Feelings of guilt he'd felt towards his friends seemed to have disappeared for the night, his thoughts were dulled with the loud sounds of laughter the group were buzzing with, his impulses and his unnecessary needs were under control.

He didn't think it was real. He didn't know this sort of thing really happened. He thought his doctors and therapists were lying to him when they told him.

But now, as he sat with the people he loved, he realised.

He had the first touch of what it felt like to feel better, to move on.

He knew it wouldn't last, he knew that he would feel bad again tomorrow, but he ignored the small voices that taunted him cruelly with this, and instead listened to his friends, drinking and laughing with them, not wanting to miss a single moment, not any more.

* * *

 

Rin had offered Ai a ride home, which he accepted, as Nagisa was going to stay a little longer with Makoto and Haru, and he was completely exhausted. He kissed everyone's cheeks goodbye, twice, too drunk not to care about what the silly voices in his head had to say about it. Nagisa was also a little more drunk than he intended to get and kissed him on the lips, lingering long enough to make Rei more than uncomfortable with his odd public displays affection. When he pulled away, he grinned at Rei's disgruntled face. “Look at him!” he lifted his chin, teasing him. “Are you jealous? I kiss everyone goodbye!”

Rin stood with his hands on his hips. “You haven't kissed me goodbye.” he teased, knowing for a fact this would grate Rei's nerves just that little bit more.

“ _Oh_ , Rin!” Nagisa stood, throwing his arms around his shoulders and pulling him into a deep kiss too, making the married couple splutter as Rei's frown darkened.

Rin didn't really know how to feel, but he kissed him back as he knew Nagisa would only complain that he hadn't, before pulling away quickly, eyebrow raised. “I didn't mean it.” he laughed, cupping his face in his hands. “You are drunk, aren't you?”   
“Abysmally so.” he snorted, patting the hands atop of his cheeks. “Aren't you?”   
“No, I'm driving.” he kissed his flushed cheek. “Take care of yourself, OK?”

Nagisa nodded, smiling widely at him. “Yes.” he moved Rin's hands from his cheeks and stood on his tip toes, whispering in his ear: “I love you, Rin-Rin.”

Rin found himself smiling at this, not having heard him say 'Rin-Rin' to him since they were in Middle School. He leant down and whispered into the curls above his ear. “I love you, too, Blondie.” he raised his eyes to see Rei shooting daggers in their direction, which made him splutter. “I think you need to apologise to your boyfriend, though.”

Nagisa turned his head, wiggling his fingers at Rei. “I love you.” he mouthed, blowing him a kiss.

Rei rolled his eyes, but he pretended to catch the kiss in his hand and press it against his heart, smiling gently back.

“Right, we're off.” Rin said, turning his head and chuckling as Nagisa went to kiss him again, so his lips met his cheek. “Keep an eye on him, Rei.”

“I've never kissed you before.” Nagisa whispered, tilting his head. “You're a nice kisser.”

“Thanks.” Rin pinched his pink cheek. “See you soon, OK?”

Ai waved goodbye to the couples as Rin tugged him along, before winding his arms around his and snuggling into him as they exited the bar. “Whoa,” he squeezed his upper arm. “This is a big arm you got. That's a sexy set of muscles.”

Rin sighed. _What is it with me and drunk gay men?_ He thought, letting Ai feel up and down his arm, squeezing appreciatively.

“How's the six pack? Is that tattooed as well?” he asked, snuggling into him again.

Rin shrugged with a smirk. “Possibly.”

Ai covered his mouth with his hand, giggling as he blushed. “Can I see?”

Rin lifted his t-shirt, revealing a large anchor tattoo, that went from the bottom of his chest to his belly button, and a trail of red roses that started at his left hip and went beneath his clothing, so Ai didn't know where it stopped. He touched the anchor design carefully, Rin letting out a little chuckle as his fingertips brushed over his bare skin. Ai raised his head, furrowing his brow.   
“Ticklish.” he grinned, pulling down his shirt.

Ai smiled back. “You're so pretty and lovely, you know?” he began, resting his head in his shoulder. “You could have anyone you wanted!”

Rin moved his arm around his shoulders, pulling him in close as they turned down a side street, the night a little gloomier without the street lamps hanging over them. “Yeah.” he smiled sadly. “So I've been told.”

“Then why are you single?” Ai asked, looking up at him. “A lovely man like you shouldn't be so lonely.”

“It's hard to find a date when you're carrying a life threatening STD, to be honest.” Rin muttered bitterly. “Would you date someone with HIV?”

Ai thought about it as much as he could through his drunken state, pressing his finger to his lips. “Uh... Yes.” he nodded with a genuine smile. “There would be complications but if you really liked them then why would it matter? Surely you would look past that. Well, as much as you could.”

Rin began to laugh, squeezing him tight. “Why can't everyone be like you, huh?” he kissed his head. “I wish I'd talked to you when it happened.”

“You can talk to me now. And forever! I'm not leaving ever again.” he poked the corner of his lip, which was pulled into a frown. “Smile, you'll feel better!”  
Rin gave him a weak smile, which Ai grinned back at, eyes bright.

“I parked a bit away, sorry,” he apologised as they approached his car. “I didn't want to be too early, but I guess I was anyway.”

Ai opened the door to the passenger seat. It was surprisingly clean, which he was very relieved about, other wise there would have been a repeat of that afternoon. It did, however, stink of cigarette smoke and rain soaked dog. None of his friends so far had consistently nice cars.

“You smoke in here.” Ai stated, buckling his seatbelt.

Rin was holding a cigarette between his teeth as he looked across at him. “What makes you say that?”

Ai pushed him playfully, making him chuckle. As he was lighting up his umpteenth cigarette of the night, Ai dug around in his bag, in search of his phone. He did not find his phone, but he did discover the photograph he had found in the weird box Sousuke's mother gave him (which was _still_ in Nagisa's car, Ai remembered). Ai shoved it underneath Rin's nose. He moved the cigarette from his lips, taking the photograph from him. “What's this?” he asked, blinking at it.

Ai switched on the overhead light and pointed to him and Sousuke. “It's for you!” he smiled.

He stared at the photo for a while, eyes clouding over as his mind wondered back to his High school years. His hands were shaking again as he took a long drag of his cigarette, keeping it to his lips. “Fucking Hell,” he eventually breathed, feeling tears scratch the back of his throat. “Where the Hell did you get this?”

“Laura.” Ai shrugged, watching as he tried to blink away the tears. “It's OK, you can cry. I do it all the time.”

Rin sniffed, poising his hand over his lips, cigarette burning between his fingers. “We took this in Senior year. I must have left mine at my mom's.” he stuck the photograph behind a red travel mug that sat in his cup holder. “Thank you so much. Jesus. That's taken me back.”

“She put a load of his High School stuff in there. Yearbooks, photos, all sorts. His old football jersey was in there. It was weird seeing it.”

“God, I still have mine.” he sat back, rolling down his window and flicking the ash outside. “It's funny, thinking back then. You don't expect someone to die, at that age. I've always had that attitude, like I said before. 'It'll never happen to me'. Well, it has. Twice. Fuck.”

Ai sighed softly. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I never thought I'd be a widow at twenty-five, but here I am.” he reached out and squeezed Rin's still shaking hand. “It's OK. Shit happens.”

Rin had to take a moment, for Ai had just swore out loud, which he _never_ did, before squeezing his hand back. “It does. It does, Ai, you're right. I just wish it hadn't happened to us.”

The most of the ride home was quiet, apart from Rin playing some alternative band he'd never heard of, although he'd never liked Rin's music, come to think of it, which is why Nagisa was handy to have around when he wanted to talk about Busted or Destiny's Child without being on the receiving end of a few rolling eyes and tuts.

“Why didn't you ever like Destiny's Child?” Ai voiced this last thought. “You were always listening to this crap. God, get a bit of Beyoncé in your life. Or at least _someone_ good.”

“This _is_ good!” Rin laughed, turning up the sound, making Ai frown. “I thought you liked Blink?”   
“Who?” Ai tutted, opening his glove box and shuffling through his CDs. All of it was edgy punk bands he was never into when they were big. “I think Sou liked... Who again?”   
“Blink 182.” Rin smiled.

“Yeah.” he sighed, shoving the CDs back where they belonged. “You saw them together, right?”

“Oh, God, yeah,” he grinned, tapping his hands to the drum beat of the song that had begun to play. “Best night. He got a black eye and I got a huge hickey on my neck.”

Ai slammed his hand against his forehead, eyes wide. “Yes, I remember!” he laughed. “That hickey!I remember that so clearly. It was _really_ ugly.”

“I know, it was there for ages.” Rin shook his head. “Other than that though, it was a good night. Wasn't it like the next week you and Blondie went to see um... _Busted?_ ”  
“Um, _yes_ , and we had a great time. They broke up after that tour.” he grinned at him. “What do you have against Busted?”

“What do you have against Blink?”

Ai narrowed his eyes at him. “Touché.”

Ai reached out and turned the sound down after a while, grating on his nerves a little bit. Rin turned it back up, a small smile on his face. Ai frowned at him, turning it down and keeping his hand over the dial. Rin poked his ribs, making him crease up, moving his hand momentarily, giving Rin the chance to turn it up again.   
“You're so stubborn.” Ai sighed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Hey, my car, my song volume.” Rin smiled.

Ai rolled his eyes, sitting his head in his hand. “I'll remember that.”

Once again, quiet. Ai reached out slowly, determined to turn the too loud music down a touch, but Rin caught his wrist, stopping him from doing so. “Stop it.”   
“Stop what?” Ai asked innocently, moving his other hand toward the dial. “I'm not doing anything.”  
Rin grabbed that hand instead and pinned his other arm back with his elbow, laughing. “I can't do this while I'm driving.”   
“Then let me turn it down!” Ai cried, beating off his arm and fighting it to the dial. “You annoying little shit.”   
“Oh, you're gonna insult me now?” Rin snorted, shielding his stereo with his big forearm. “Is that how it is?”   
Ai tried to pull his arm away from the stereo, but he was too strong for him, and eventually he gave up, letting out a defeated sigh. “You win.”

“Good.” Rin chuckled, moving his arm and shifting gears. “Anyway, you're almost home.”

They continued the stupid play fight nevertheless, neither looking at each other as they elbowed and slapped, Ai in a fit of giggles near the end of it. Rin pulled up a little way from Ai's house, his headlights lighting up one of his cats as they skittered across the street. He switched off the ignition.

“Get out.” Rin poked Ai's ribs again, making him laugh. “You call my music shit and fight me in my own car? How dare you.”   
“I'm sorry...” Ai pouted, fluttering his lashes at him.

Rin smiled. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Go home, get some rest.”

Ai unbuckled his seatbelt. He turned to him. “Rin, are you OK?” he asked, watching his eyes carefully.

“That's a good question.” he rubbed the back of his neck. “I'll say yes for an easier way to get home.”

Ai wound his arms around his shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. Rin held him tightly back, resting his head in his neck. Ai stroked his hair – it was soft, as if he conditioned it everyday, and it smelt of smoke like everything else of his did, as well as a sweet, expensive shampoo. Ai pulled away slightly, eye to eye with him. “You can talk to me.” he whispered “We're best friends.”

Rin's lips lifted into a half smile. “Yeah.” he moved Ai's hair behind his ear. “I know.”

Ai swallowed as he felt Rin's hand caress his jaw, thumb trailing over his soft cheek, his eyes travelling over the features on his face, pausing for a second or two at his lips, before looking back into his eyes, smiling weakly. “You better go.” he whispered.

“No, I...” he bit down on his lip. “You can kiss me. If you want.”

Rin widened his eyes at him, heart leaping in his throat. “What? No. No, I don't.”

“Then I'll kiss you instead.” Ai whispered into his ear, twirling a strand of his lovely hair around his finger.

“Ai, you're very drunk, and I think you should—”

Ai pressed his lips against his, cutting him off. Rin, once again, didn't really know how to feel. He did want to kiss him, this was true, but when he reminded himself that he was drunk and his decisions were not to be his best in the state he was in, all appeal melted away. He kissed him back, lips curling perfectly over his – once, twice, three times – before pulling away, shaking his head.

“No.” he said gently, moving away from his embrace, sitting back in his seat. “We shouldn't.”

Ai pulled his shoulders back, nodding his head. “Yes. OK. You're probably right.” he bit down on his lip. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't apologise.” he smiled. “I just don't want to kiss you when you're drunk.”

“You did want to.” Ai said, blinking his pretty eyes at him. “You wouldn't have touched me like that if you didn't. You wouldn't have touched me like you have been all night if you didn't.”

Rin laughed. “I hate drunk Ai. You're way too confident.” he shrugged, not looking at him. “Maybe I still have a bit of a crush on you. I don't know.”

Ai blinked at him, stunned. “You have a crush on me?”   
“No... Well, not really, not for ages.” Rin sighed heavily, knuckling his eyes. “Oh, man. What am I saying? Jesus. Don't listen to me. I'm just being a sad sack. Go home.”

Ai, a little confused, nodded, taking his hand and kissing his cheek. “OK. Night. Thanks for the ride.”

“No problem.” he dismissed. “Any time.”

Ai kissed his lips once more, a soft, feather kiss, barely there. “Everything will work out.” he whispered, caressing his cheek in his hand. “You'll find someone nice and you'll live in a nice house and adopt some nice children and grow old together in a nice nursing home. You will be as nice as Makoto and Haru. I promise.”

Rin chuckled. “Chance would be a fine thing.” he twitched his head. “Go on then. Out. I'll text you in the morning.”

Ai climbed out of the car and waved him off as he drove away, dropping his hand and breathing out heavily when he disappeared. He rubbed his forehead, needing to sleep off all information he had gathered that night and recollect it in order the next morning, over a coffee and some nice breakfast. He didn't even want to think about the kiss and anything after that with Rin. If he could forget that the next morning it would be a miracle. He walked to his front door, squinting through his blurry eyes as he tried to find his keys.

Yet, he found none.

Ai widened his eyes, crouching and digging through the contents of his bag, even going as far as pulling things out of it, until all of his stuff was all over his doorstep and there was not a set of keys in sight.

He must have left them in Nagisa's car when he got them out to stick the keyring on.

“ _Shit_.” he hissed, throwing his stuff back into his bag. “What the _Hell_ do I do _now_?”

He sat on his doorstep, pulling out his phone and checking the time. It was almost midnight. He looked over to the house next door. All the lights were off.

He dialled his number anyway, seeing as he was the only hope he had.

“Ai?” Momo mumbled down the phone, sleep threaded in his voice, causing a lovely shiver to shoot down Ai's spine. “Are you OK?”  
“No.” he mumbled. “I'm locked out.”

After a moment the lights were switched on in one room, and a window was pushed open. Momo's head popped out, smiling down at him. “Would you like to stay at mine?” he said into the phone, sitting his head in his hand.

Ai smiled sweetly back. “Please.”

“I guess I could squeeze you in.” Momo replied with a grin, and cut off the call, disappearing inside.

Ai stood at his front door, glasses off as he rubbed his eyes sleepily, awaiting his hospitality, and when he did finally open the door, he was wearing nothing but boxer briefs, hair wilder than usual, freckled cheeks flushed with sleep. “Hello. Good night?” he asked, leaning against the door frame, eyebrows raised.

“Shut up.” he slurred, fitting his glasses back over his face, blinking as Momo came into focus, taking in his tanned, toned, almost naked body and overly confident demeanour, looking sexy even with the horribly bruising around his eye. “Wow.”

He covered his mouth with his hand after he'd breathed his appreciation for the sleepy look Momo was sporting, blushing furiously as Momo laughed at him.

“I didn't... oh, jeez.” Ai pressed his finger to his lips, willing himself to stop talking, but his mouth just had to open one more time. “You look so hot right now.”

Momo dragged his hands through his hair as he continued to chortle, making Ai's heart thump so hard he thought he was going to pass out from the sheer sight of him. “You're really drunk.” Momo snorted. “I never thought I'd see you drunk.”   
“Just because I'm drunk doesn't mean you're not hot. You're hot when I'm sober.” Ai grimaced at his own words, biting down on his lip hard to will himself to _shut up._

“OK, come on.” Momo took his hand and guided him inside, closing the door behind them. “Do you want a shower or something?”   
“With you, maybe.” Ai had given up on himself. It was useless. The tiny part of him telling him to stop being an idiot was being drowned out by the stupid, sexual comments that were directed at Momo's V-line.

“Jesus.” Momo breathed, a small smile on his face. “Is this what you really think about?”   
“Hey,” Ai grinned at him. “Don't tell me you don't think about me too. Cos I know you. You don't think I do, but I know.”  
Momo didn't reply, trying his hardest not to laugh, guiding him into the lounge and sitting him on the sofa. “OK? Not too messy, is it?”

Ai looked around him. It wasn't _too_ messy. Well, it was – it was cluttered with his daughters toys and books, his DVD cupboard needed organising and there was dust _everywhere –_ but he shook his head anyway, too tired to complain about something as trivial as dust.

“Good. You stay here, I'll get you a change of clothes. Do you want anything?”

Ai threw open his arms, smiling at him. “A nice hug.” he mumbled, wiggling his fingers.

Momo complied, collapsing down beside him and pulling him into him, Ai twisting himself around so he was lying in his shoulder, arms wound around him. “Makoto and Haru are having babies.”

“Really?” Momo asked, laying a hand atop of his head, stroking his hair. “How many have they adopted?”   
“Only two.” Ai giggled. “Twin girls. They're gorgeous little things. Haru showed us a picture. They've got big green eyes and dark brown hair. You have to look twice because they kind of look like them, as if they've had them themselves.”

Momo smiled, twirling a strand of his hair around his fingertip. “That's amazing. Are they happy?”

“The happiest I've ever seen them.” Ai sighed dreamily – he then lifted his head, smiling at him. “I've decided I would like a coffee.”

Momo raised his eyebrows. “Have you, now?” he teased, smiling at him. “No problem. I'll bring you some clothes.”

Ai let him get up, watching him leave, peering at his ass as he walked around the sofa, biting his lip as she watched him pull his boxers down his toned thighs, the white material clinging to very smooth edge of his butt, giving him a good impression of what it looked like underneath.

Momo knew he was looking. He wasn't very subtle, even when sober. He didn't mind, either. There was a reason why he answered the door in only his underwear, and he got the reaction he was hoping for, although he wanted it to be a sober one. He found a clean t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts for him to wear, and returned downstairs with them, finding Ai huddled up in the same spot, fiddling with his phone.

“Here.” Momo handed him the change of clothes. “I'll make you your coffee. Black?”   
Ai nodded, already stripping himself of his clothes that he had been wearing for far too long, in his opinion. Momo left him to it, trying his best not to look, but he did turn his head once as he was stood with his back to him, tugging his sweater over his head. Momo didn't really know what he was expecting, but not what he saw. He was slim and delicate, his skin a creamy white, looking so soft he could just touch it and he would melt. But as he turned to pick up the t-shirt, Momo noticed blistering red and bright white patches on his upper arms and chest, as well as small, white scars. He swallowed, turning away quickly, unsure on how to react.

 _Don't_. Momo thought, walking into his kitchen and sitting his kettle on the stove. _Don't react. That's the worst thing you could do._

The more he tried not to think about it, the more he could see the scarring on his skin, so deep into the image in his head, when Ai came up behind him and wound his arms around his waist he almost jumped a foot.

“I wish I had my keys.” Ai mumbled, forehead resting against his back. “I think I left them in Nagisa's car.”

Momo smiled, patting his hands. “That was a silly mistake, wasn't it?” he said, finding it easier to speak to him like he did with his daughter in the state he was in.   
“Yeah.” Ai yawned, pulling away from him and rubbing his eyes behind his lenses. “I get so tired when I drink.”   
“Good.” Momo chuckled, turning his head to look at him, almost double taking as he took in the sight before him – his t-shirt hung off him, the hem hiding the boxer shorts he'd let him borrow. His hair had been tousled, and the way he was knocking his glasses askew as he knuckled his eyes was possibly the cutest thing he'd ever seen him do, and Ai was cute twenty-four/seven. He bought his chin up, pressing a kiss against his lips. “You look cute.”

Ai smiled at this, tilting his head. “I don't feel cute. I feel sleepy.” he yawned again, stretching his arms above his head. “Come cuddle with me.”

“Don't you want your coffee?”

“I would like to sleep, I think.” Ai nodded his head, and Momo sighed, switching off the hob.

“I'm never listening to drunk you again.”

Ai took his hands and pulled him along. “Show me your bedroom.”  
“Eh?” Momo chuckled. “It's a state, you'd hate it.”

“Too drunk and too tired to care!” Ai announced, throwing one arm in the air. “So, will you show me or not?”

It was Momo's turn to pull him along, guiding him up the stairs and across the landing, Ai looking around curiously at the pictures on his walls and stepping over more little girl toys in strewn across the place. Momo pushed open his bedroom door and flicked on the light, revealing the room Ai could only imagine a busy single father owning. It _was_ a state – there were clothes strewn all over the floor, cupboard doors hanging open, his window ledge cluttered with empty water glasses, screwed up papers in and around his bin – but his bed looked so comfortable and so welcoming, the sheets all soft and recently slept in, Ai didn't care that his mind wanted to clean, because his whole body wanted to sleep.

“I can ignore the mess for now.” Ai dismissed. “I want to sleep.”

“OK.” Momo laughed, motioning towards his bed. “There it is. You can get in it. I'm not stopping you.”

Ai moved around to the left side, his usual space, and climbed in, pulling the sheets over his legs with an appreciative smile. He tilted his head at Momo, patting the space beside him. “Come on, then.” he giggled, removing his glasses and folding them up on his bedside table. “This is your bed.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, concern in his voice. “I don't want to if it makes you uncomfortable--”  
“Ohhh, shush! Get in!” Ai moved down the bed and grabbed his hand, pulling him down a little more roughly than what Momo was expecting, the two falling into an embrace atop the mattress, Momo on top of a very giggly Ai. “Sorry.” he whispered, smile wide. “Didn't mean to pull you that hard.”

“Sure you didn't.” Momo grinned, pressing a kiss against his forehead. “You're an awful drunk.”   
“I am not.” Ai pouted, watching his eyes. “That bruise is settling now. It looks less swollen.”

“I've been putting ice on it.” he touched it gently, wincing slightly. “Still, I deserved it.”  
“Did you have sex with her?” Ai whispered, unable to control his mouth, eyes earnest. “Because if you did then I don't think I can forgive you at all.”

Momo stared at him, watching his eyes carefully. “No.” he breathed, shaking his head. “No, I didn't. We didn't do anything other than kiss.”

Ai nodded his head, raising his hand and brushing the bruise gently with his fingertips. “I believe you.” he pressed a light kiss on his eyelid, making Momo chuckle. “Kisses make it all better.”

“You have magical kisses?” Momo asked, moving from on top of him and sitting up on his elbow.

“I do.” Ai nodded with so much seriousness Momo couldn't help but laugh. “Do you?”

“Well, my kisses are known to cure all kinds of cuts and bruises.” he smiled gently.

“Mine too!” Ai turned on his side, hands beneath his head. “I always told Heather and Aaron that I was a magic healer whenever they cried about falling down, and when I kissed their grazes they just stopped crying, like I really was magic.”

Momo brushed his hair from his face, pushing it behind his ear and pressing gentle kisses over his cheek and jaw, making him giggle sleepily. “I don't need magic kisses.” he mumbled, closing his eyes as Momo's lips soothed him. “You need them all.”

“These are regular kisses.” Momo murmured, kissing the curve of his ear. “They're just as good.”

“Yes.” Ai shivered when his kisses trailed down his neck, giggling sweetly. “I like these ones.”

“On your neck?” Momo grinned, trailing his fingers over the soft skin of it. “I like those, too.”  
“Come here, then.” Ai mumbled, smiling as he felt Momo lay down beside him. “Mine are the best.”   
He pulled himself up and lay atop of Momo's chest, pressing soft kisses from his jaw to his collar bones, giggling when Momo sighed or made a little sound of pleasure, this only encouraging him to do it even more. “Is it nice?” he whispered, kissing his lips softly.

“Mmm.” Momo mumbled, opening his eyes slowly at smiling up at him, running his hand over his hair. “You're sending me to sleep.”

“Good.” Ai continued his kisses, pressing them on the velvety skin behind his ear and trailing them over his jaw. “You're cute when you make those noises.”

“Hm?” Momo opened his eyes again. “What noises?”   
“You're doing little moans.” Ai laughed as he flushed a deep red, tapping his nose. “It's OK! I don't mind if it's turning you on. Is it?”

Momo didn't reply, just frowned a little bit and moved his arm over his eyes, clearly embarrassed.

“Oh, it is!” Ai giggled, pressing kisses between his neck and shoulder, soft and gentle. “It's nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“No, but... You're drunk.” Momo muttered as he continued to move up his neck, now going painfully slow. “It's like I'm taking advantage, or something.”  
Ai moved his lips away. “Don't be silly.” he pouted. “I know what I'm doing.”   
“So?” Momo moved his arm away from his face, sitting up on his elbows. “You might regret it tomorrow.”  
“What? Kissing you?” Ai smiled sweetly. “I doubt it.”

He leant in to kiss him again, but Momo stopped him, finger pressed against his lips. “No more.”  
Ai opened his lips and bit down lightly on Momo's finger, tongue curling around his fingertip, watching him with a glint in his eye the entire time he did so. Momo stared right back, unable to tear his eyes away as Ai sucked, even making a cute popping noise when he pulled away, a grin on his face. “You're dirty.”

“What?” Momo blinked at him. “You just sucked off my finger!”  
“You didn't stop me.” he smirked, blue eyes shining. “You liked it.”

Momo's lips parted in momentary shock, looking down at his hand and examining the bite marks he'd left behind. “Who said I liked it?”   
“ _You_ did.” Ai leaned into him, their noses touching. “Your eyes never left mine, I saw _everything_.”

He pressed a light kiss against his lips, a small smile on his face. “You can't hide anything like that from me.”

Ai rolled off him, collapsing back into his soft pillows and grinning at him. “Are you a secret dom, Momo?”   
“Jesus, Ai,” Momo chuckled, laying down beside him, hands resting on his stomach. “Maybe. Maybe I like that sort of thing. Why? Do you?”

Ai nodded so determinedly it made Momo laugh out loud, moving his arm over his face again. “Oh, wow.”

“I like being controlled.” Ai grinned at Momo, who was still snorting with laughter. “I used to wear a pet collar. Not out, obviously, jeez. Only in bed.”  
“No, you didn't,” Momo moved his arm away, staring at him in disbelief, grin wide. “Tell me you're joking.”

“Nope!” Ai giggled, cheeks pink. “I was Sou's kitten.”

“Holy shit.” Momo breathed, in absolute awe at this unexpected knowledge. “Fuck. I didn't know you were into that stuff.”  
Ai turned over, facing him. “Does it intimidate you?” he whispered. “Because we don't have to do that stuff. Not if you don't want to.”

Momo shrugged. “Not really. I could try. No harm in it. Although, I don't like the collar thing. It's sort of like I would be owning you.”

“That's the point.” Ai giggled sweetly, snuggling into him and patting his cheek. “That's what makes it hot.”   
“Maybe for you.” Momo mumbled, winding an arm around him. “You literally just called yourself a kitten, for Gods sake, that's so weird to me.”  
“Ah, shame.” Ai smiled up at him. “Maybe you should try it once. Just once, and then if you didn't like it, we don't have to do it again.”

Momo knuckled his eyes. “Christ. OK. Sure, put on a collar. Whatever.” he waved his hand, dismissing his sexual demands. “Do you have to meow and shit?”   
“Do you want me to?”

“ _No_.” Momo shook his head. “No, no, no. No animal noises during sex, please.”

Ai sighed, lifting himself up, resting his arms on his chest. “Then what _do_ you want me to do?”

“Uh?” Momo widened his eyes at him. “I don't know? I'll make that decision when I get there, I suppose.”

Ai sat his chin in his arms. “You have a lot to learn.” he pressed a soft kiss against his lips. “You can just spank me for now.”   
Momo laughed, rubbing his forehead. “Right. Thanks, Ai. Thank you.” he smirked at him. “Let's hope you forget this whole conversation tomorrow morning.”

Ai yawned deeply, snuggling down beneath the sheets, curling up beside him. “Maybe I won't. Maybe shy, sober me will get very embarrassed about it tomorrow when he has to look at your face and remember he told you that he liked to be called kitty in bed.”

“Fucking Hell.” Momo chuckled, patting his hair affectionately. “OK, time to sleep now, kitten.”

“Ah,” Ai blushed, a small smile on his lips. “It sounds nice when you say it.”

Momo grimaced a little. “I wish it didn't.”

“Wanna hear me purr?” Ai teased, pressing a kiss against his neck.  
“ _NO_.” Momo said firmly, the things coming out of his mouth so odd it made him feel halfway between amazed and uncomfortable.

Ai smiled. “I can't actually purr, that was a joke.” he closed his eyes, a smirk playing on his lips. “It's actually an innuendo for hearing me moan.”  
“Do you ever stop?” Momo chuckled. “Don't get this drunk ever again.”

“No promises.” Ai mumbled sleepily, moving his head into his shoulder.

“Goodnight, Ai.” Momo sighed, closing his eyes slowly. “You weirdo.”

Ai found himself smiling at this, trailing his fingertips over Momo's warm, bare skin until he slowly fell asleep himself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry that was so long like I'm sorry mostly to myself for forgetting to sleep and forcing myself to finish this damn. I'll be taking a week or two hiatus lmao cos thi s actually killed me to write haaaaa (sort of made myself ill, not on purpose it's just kinda happened ooooops)  
> I hope u enjoyed nevertheless!!!!! i lov anything with a nagisa/ai best friend dynamic like that shit gets to me man i cant resist it  
> This will probably be the first fic i ever finish too so whaoaoao go me  
> Thank u for the support love u loads xo

**Author's Note:**

> follow my tumblr: mettatrash  
> kudos and comments are appreciated!


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